Post # 1
hey fellow brides,
So our wedding is in less than 3 months and I seem to be the only person who is trying to get everything done in a timely manner and have a to-do list of about 25 items (and I am freaking out). We have been engaged for almost a year and at first, whenever I started talking wedding planning, my fiancé would say “can we talk about this later.” At the time, it was fine, but he kept pushing it off almost every time I brought it up as the days passed and his response and flippant attitude got really old, really fast. He tells me he wants to be involved in choices but he cannot be bothered to help make any, making it hard for me to finalize things without his involvement but whenever I try to bring it up I get shut down or I hear a bunch of “yeah, sure, ok, whatever.”
This past week I have really been feeling the stress of this wedding and getting these items checked off our list. I have expressed to him on multiple occasions how stressed out I am and that we need to get stuff done ASAP and that I would like his help, but he isn’t actually doing anything to help me and doesn’t offer to make the time to get things done with the wedding planning he claims he wants to be a part of. I am literally at my wit’s end with his lackadaisical, unenthusiastic, and procrastinatory (is that a word? Lol) attitude toward our wedding planning and I am about to start making decisions for the both of us because if I don’t, NOTHING will get done. I also expressed to him that the push back I get from him makes me feel like he doesn’t want to marry me anymore. He of course told me that wasn’t true but that is how I really feel right now.
I am crazy stressed out and the fighting and hurt feelings I have right now aren’t helping with anything. I have literally done all the work and planning and heavy lifting for our wedding and he hasn’t done jack. Has anyone else had similar experiences or could offer any advice? I thought this was supposed to be fun, but I because of this I am resenting my fiancé and I don’t want to feel that anymore.
(Note: we have been together for 6 years and lived together for about 5, not sure if this additional info is relevant for any advice)
Post # 2
I feel like this is more a fiance issue than a planning issue. Despite telling him MULTIPLE times that you need his help and you are starting to resent him and feel like he doesn’t want to marry you, he still does jack shit. That is awful. He needs to step up his game because right now you are feeling an immense amount of pressure and as your partner in life, he needs to support you and help to relieve that stress and pressure.
I would sit down, face-to-face, no screens on, and nothing to distract you two. Be 100% honest and tell him exactly how you feel. Look him in the eyes and tell him about the resentment that is building. Tell him about the fact that you are feeling alone in this process. Tell him that you aren’t excited to marry him anymore because of this. Tell him it makes you feel like he doesn’t prioritize you. To him it probably feels like just a big party that you two are throwing and he probably isn’t interested in the planning aspect, but in reality it is so much more than a party. This wedding symbolizes the start of your lives together as husband and wife. That is flipping huge. His reaction to you telling him all this will tell you a lot about his priorities.
Post # 3
My fiancé is the same been engaged a year and a half wedding in 3 months and he never wanted to be apart of anything, and still doesn’t, just make all the decisions alone, he isn’t the only one like this, trust me, my fiancé hasn’t done anything, it was a fight just to chose a wedding song bc he was busy watching sports or whatever
Post # 4
Every time I ask him something about the wedding he also says he doesn’t want to talk about or whatever, some guys really don’t want to
Post # 5
Don’t pay attention to him, do it alone, I’ve learned that guys are totally different then us, if you have a real guys guy who watches sports and stuff like that, it’s not you, that’s what I thought too I always asked him it’s like your not excited, but he said that’s not true, so just come to realize they are guys, and wedding planning doesn’t do for them what it does for us, some guys like it some guys don’t
Post # 6
You can either keep stressing that he isn’t helping you with these details, or you can go ahead and plan them alone without his input. If he doesn’t like them, that’s really just too bad – but if he isn’t detail oriented, he probably won’t notice.
Post # 7
Oxsparxxo : So then in the future when there’s something important it’s okay for Darling Husband to ignore his wife’s needs because he’s a ‘guys guys and likes sports?
Post # 8
Oxsparxxo : No offense but this is terrible advice. “Oh he’s just a guy’s guy”. Yeahhhhhh right… I married a guy in the Navy, definitely a “guy’s guy” as you put it, and when I needed his input he gave it. He knew it was his day too so he gave input when I needed it. If my guy was ignoring me because he was immersed in some sports shit, you bet I would have problems with it.
Giving guys excuses for being assholes because he’s a “guy’s guy” is right up there with “boys will be boys”.
Post # 9
Yeah no. It’s not ok for him to blow off your stress and needs, esp not for a joint thing but no matter what, a life partner is someone who will support you even when they aren’t into what you’re doing.
doesnt mean he has to be into weddings, but he could help you just because he loves you.
Also calling bs on your Fiance demanding to have a say but blowing you off every time you ask for input.
He’s not doing partner well right now.
Post # 10
- Wedding: April 2017 - Kaneohe, Hawaii
Is he stressed about something himself? My Darling Husband was the same way when we were planning but only because he was going through some stress at work and literally could not focus. So we did a majority of the planning during the weekends when he was off work! Just give him the minimal amount of work, something he really has to be a part of and do everything else yourself. Good luck!!
Post # 11
Oxsparxxo : I feel sad for you. I can’t imagine what life will be like making big decisions if your Fiance is like that now. That sounds like a horrible way to live.
OP, My Fiance isn’t detail oriented, and I’m the organiser in the relationship. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t contribute. You could try what we do and see if it helps- I’ll make a few suggestions on something that I like (say a wedding cake) and say ‘which one do you like best?’ If he doesn’t like/agree with any of my choices, I then leave it to him to come up with suggestions or preferences and the process reverses. Even when he says ‘I don’t mind, love, you choose’ I still ask for his preferred option because I appreciate his input and respect his preferences. He’s happy to leave me to sort the bulk of things out (he’s quite laid-back) but I’ll give him one or two things and say ‘these are your responsibility’ and leave him to get on with it.
Interestingly, our relationship is on a similar timescale to yours and Fiance is definitely a ‘man’s man’- we’re farmers.
Post # 12
Wow you are all so disgusting and judgemental what a nasty nasty community
Post # 13
You should all be ashamed of yourselves, so nasty you people talk to others. Op if I was you I wouldn’t take advice from people who talk down to other people like that, you should all be embarrassed! Bullying!
Post # 14
ark2b17 : I can see how this would make you feel like the wedding isn’t important to him! I agree with the PP who said it’s time for the two of you to sit down and talk. Use the “I feel” statements. Tell him how it makes you feel that he isn’t involved. I’m more the planner in our relationship, but Darling Husband still helped me with wedding and honeymoon details.
Post # 15
Oxsparxxo : No one is bullying you. You just gave terrible non advice, its not bullying to point out what you said was bad advice.
You basically told her that her feelings of stress and wanting her FI’s help don’t matter because sports “or whatever” is more important than her emotional well being.