Stress in marriage after baby

posted 4 weeks ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
1050 posts
Bumble bee

Is there anyone who HASNT had a rough spot after baby came along?? It’s a huge transition. Even just the lack of sleep is draining on emotions. I’d say keep the communication open, make time for each other (even just at home Netflix and chill nights), date nights if you can, etc. Luckily my husband is pretty kid-oriented like me and he doesn’t mind the less adventurous times that babies tend to bring, but I do recall not getting along with him when my first baby was a newborn (he used to get all stressed out when the baby would cry as if I had some magic wand to make it stop) 🙄 by the second kid he knew what to expect and this third kid was a breeze lol. Give it time.

Post # 3
Member
670 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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@lavaash:  A few questions: Do you mean sex, simply hanging out on the couch, or going on a date? Who is he frustrated with? You or just in general? Lastly, what is he doing to rectify it or is he putting it on you to solve?

Post # 4
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee

It’s a normal feeling he has.  It’s factually true that there is less quality time with you.  But it comes with the territory when you have a kid.  It’s one of the things he should have mentally prepared himself for when he thought about having a kid and during your pregnancy.  He may have soldiered on during the first 5 months only to feel that it’s no longer sustainable.

These first months were always going to be the hardest.  Now that your baby will soon be sleeping through the night (if they aren’t already), you can spend time together after the baby goes to sleep.  You can spend quality time together with the baby in tow (he should get used to that concept anyway, as your time together other than after the kid’s bedtime or if you have a sitter will have to be with your kid until the kid is a teenager).  You’re right, this was an inevitable change and he is simply having trouble handling it.

Having said all that, it’s not that I lack sympathy for him.  It’s just that this IS what it’s like when you have a kid.  Kids are a wonderful addition for many people, but they do involve sacrifices.  This is one of them.  I’ve read stories from many men complaining about vastly reduced or nonexistent friend outings once they are a father.  Their time with their spouse isn’t immune from this change.

Post # 5
Member
5793 posts
Bee Keeper

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@BlueSkies57:  Truer words were never spoken. 

It is stressful on a marriage to have a baby, particularly if the baby doesnt sleep, has colic, etc. Mine were godawful sleepers with colic. Joy. I never understand the people who think having a child will save a marriage; in all likelihood a baby will smash it to bits. 

What you need to do is keep talking, keep sharing with each other. Be honest and work together. Everything  is different, but believe me it slows down and you get better at dealing with it. It’s only been 6 months, you’re both still learning. This is the “for worse” part. You just have to get through it.

Post # 6
Member
3390 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I think this is very very common for at least the first year after you have a baby. We are definitely feeling it 9 months in. No advice but I feel you bee. 

Post # 8
Member
3383 posts
Sugar bee

This is so normal. We went through this after we had our first at around the same point in time, and it’s why we didn’t try for #2 until almost a year later than we had initially planned. I think the first few months you’re too busy adjusting to the new normal and keeping the helpless baby alive to worry much about what’s happening to your marriage. But by 6 months it starts to hit you more.

anyway It was the exact same with us… my husband was the one getting angsty about our lack of quality time. What helped us was a lot of communication and then regular date nights. 6 months was when we got our first sitter for a date night (we have no family around to rely on)… I was so nervous but it went great and after that we made it a priority to do date nights every two weeks or so. Our baby was sleep trained(ish) by then… she would go to bed around 7pm and the sitter would come after so she’d just sit on the couch basically while we went out for a nice dinner. It helped a LOT! Highly recommend.

 

also since your hubs is the one all worked up about this, perhaps he can take the lead on finding a sitter/scheduling date nights?

Post # 10
Member
3383 posts
Sugar bee

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@lavaash:  What are you anxious about specifically? I used to be so anxious about using a sitter too which is why we’d do our dates after the baby went down for the night. We also never went too far away in case something happened so we could get home quickly. After a couple successful dates I felt a lot better and started to enjoy them more and it was definitely good for our marriage. 

Post # 11
Member
5793 posts
Bee Keeper

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@lavaash:  You must get over this. 

Dont forget how important your marriage is. A lot of women feel that everything they do should be about their kids and what’s best for them. It’s too easy to relegate a husband to second place. Dont do it. Your child will be fine with a competent sitter. And you know what’s best for the child? When her parents are getting along and are close to each other.

Frankly, when I come across a mother who doesnt want to ever leave her child in someone else’s care and is fanatically worried about them, I think, “well that marriage is going to fail” – and I’ve seen it happen. It is crucial for you and your husband to have time together without the baby. You’re not just a mother.

Post # 12
Member
246 posts
Helper bee

It helps to focus on the long game. Babies aren’t forever. When my youngest was around that age, she spent four months waking every half hour all night every night (she had chronic ear infections). I moaned to my husband one night that I was spending every night with her in the spare room rather than in bed with him. He pointed out that this is a few months in a lifetime of marriage, and we have decades to spend together!

Post # 13
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee

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@lavaash:  yes I think this is completely normal, especially after your firstborn. It is a huuuuge adjustment for everyone involved. I understand being stressed about leaving baby, I’m a sahm so I was used to being around baby 24/7 and it was very difficult to leave baby with someone else. By the second I was much more relaxed about going out without our toddler and baby and with our third, I’m sure I’ll be even more relaxed. My marriage is not failing, lol. All that said, I suffered from PP anxiety and what you’re describing sounds like you might have a bit too. I’d recommend speaking with your doctor and/or a therapist, it can really help. Hugs!

Post # 15
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee

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@besotted:  Unfortunately that kind of thinking doesn’t work for everyone. It is pretty common to feel neglected in such a situation, especially as her husband has evidently been making effort to overcome this.

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