- 7 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
I just got back from a two week trip to China, which was really fun and relaxing. While I was gone my boyfriend and friends painted my kitchen (which really needed it!) so that was a nice surprise to come back to.
But today I feel sort of hopeless. I am thinking it may be related to not getting enough sleep because of jet lag.
While I was gone, my boyfriend got official confirmation that he’s been laid off. He has no job, no health insurance, and no job prospects. Also he’s not exactly detail oriented so I worry that he has support opportunities he’s missing related to being unemployed. He should get his first check in a few weeks and he has savings but it’s depressing and disheartening for both of us that he is jobless. He didn’t really like his job and he’d been searching for a job since the beginning of this year. In the past eight months he’s applied to many jobs & gotten some call backs and interviews but no job offers. Also his criteria for which jobs he would apply to has broadened a lot in the past few months. Once or twice he’s said he’s want to get married within a year of getting a better job. Since his job search has gone on for so long I wonder if he’ll ever get a job.
Recently I got fed up with his hemming and hawing and said I didn’t really want to marry him anyway. I’m still not sure. Sometimes I feel like if we’re going to break up I’d rather it happen sooner so I can date more while I am young!
I have been trying to be compassionate and less judgmental towards him. I guess it seems like he thinks I am going to be angry and judging him even when I am not, which is frustrating and requires a lot of patience. Also I’m trying to figure out in myself if I would want to marry him, which is hard because he’s not at his most appealing, being unemployed. The one good thing is he’s getting a lot of exercise, haha. He gets very discouraged when he hears back from someplace that they’re not going to hire him, and it throws off his whole job search when it happens.
Moving in together was a big mistake, but I don’t think moving out will fix it. If one of us had unlimited cash I might try to move out, but it’s not really a priority. Also I don’t want to leave him – he’s a good partner for the most part, but we really don’t see eye to eye on getting married and that’s a source of tension and frustration. For me, I feel like I don’t want to give my whole self to him since he doesn’t want to be married to me. But I think about how giving he is, and I don’t think he’d let something petty affect his actions the way I do. He’s willing to talk about the future but our talks tend to be pretty repetitive – I want to get married, he doesn’t, nothing changes. That’s our standard talk about the future.
Anyway, I am bummed about coming home and being so happy but then just being reminded about our issue. Someone brought the book, “He’s just not that into you” to our house and I opened it to the chapter “He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to marry you.” After reading a few pages I was so mad I stopped reading. I’m trying to destress by avoiding situations that I know will make me anxious, like reading that book!