- 6 years ago
- Wedding: October 2012
I’m new here; and really needed to vent. Thoughts are welcome but please be kind. I’m getting married in a month, and it seems that all of the wedding drama hit the fan at the two-month-out mark (which, from what I’ve been reading in past archives and hearing from recently wed girlfriends, is quite normal!). To preface; there is nothing world ending written below, just general frustration and dealing with folks who don’t feel they’re being rude when in my view, based on how I was raised, they ARE being crazy rude.
Fiance and I are paying for most of our wedding out of pocket. My family is not in the position to pay for a wedding, so it wasn’t even a question. We don’t make a lot but we love our jobs; and we’ve been planning and paying for this wedding for the better part of two years. It’s been tough and we’ve been strapped, but we’re both very excited and it will all be worth it on the day!
One: The decision not to have plus-ones (excluding couples we know, or those who are married, etc). We made this decision early on due to financial constraint as well as not wanting “flavor of the week” dates in attendance. It has been fairly difficult to manage – even though our RSVP cards specifically had the guests name typed on it followed by “Accepts with pleasure” or “Declines with regret”. A few weeks ago, FI’s Aunt contacted me and demanded to know why so-and-so wasn’t invited. The person she was inquiring about was someone that I personally had never met and therefore had no idea existed – Fiance was working at the time so I couldn’t touch base with him at that moment, but his Aunt was flabbergasted that this person wasn’t invited. When I stammered and tried to explain our situation, and said that I needed to talk to FI; the phone call caught me completely off guard considering I don’t know this person nor whom she’s calling about. She said in response to my explanation, “Well. THAT’s going to be a problem.” She then wanted to know why this other person’s name wasn’t on “The List” that we were given. I replied, “I’m sorry..?” as I was confused to what she was referencing. She replied, “The lists that both families gave you of whom to invite.” Again, I had to explain to her that Fiance and I created the guest list ourselves within our budgetary limits. We have since taken care of the issue, but honestly, how rude can people be? (Note: Aunt is very, very well off financially – and from what FI’s family explains she exhibits this type of behavior often.) We had other people whine about it to others until it gets back to us, call either sets of our parents, ask both of us ad-nauseum, and whip out the ever-loved “Well, TRADITIONALLY it’s done this way..”. Oy.
Two: Father-In-Law recently had major, major surgery, and Mother-In-Law is trying to insist that he not only walk his mother down the aisle, but HER down the aisle as well. Fiance and I are floored that she would try to even have this be “a thing” considering Father-In-Law cannot get around on his own yet and is still in healing stages. Just inconsiderate in our opinion.
Three: (Long, my apologies) We are very much regretting ever asking my B & SIL to have their kids in our wedding. I guess we were just so excited at the time, and we knew the kids would be too (they are age 5 and 8) that we didn’t think about what would follow. To note, I used to be very, very close with my B but ever since he married SIL he’s been a different person. I can’t even get him to meet up with me for lunch, he’ll just spit out “I’m too busy”. My SIL I am not close with at all. She’s manipulative and loves to make snarky comments at your emotional expense. I’m normally not a pushover, but for the last 8years I’ve bit my tongue to avoid any odd family situations, though at this point I know I should have said something much earlier. When Fiance and I announced our engagement, instead of a congratulations, from my B we seriously got a “What, did you knock her up?” This was incredibly hurtful to me being that I used to be so close to him, and it really gave my Fiance an idea of what we’d be working with. Again.. we should have said something then, and not asked the kids to be in the wedding.
We asked B & SIL weeks before asking the kids to be in the wedding, to make sure they were OK with it, that they were supportive and understood, etc. However, ever since then it has been an uphill battle. Try to schedule time to go shopping for the Flower Girl or Ring Bearer, and they’re “Too busy” or the time/day is too “Inconvenient”, “Why did you choose THIS place to get your tuxes, it’s so expensive” etc. Nonstop comments from her about how she doesnt like this, doesn’t like that, trying to tell me how inconsiderate we’re being by having our wedding mid-week, etc. FI and I try to be very good about making our intentions and ideas very clear to those who were in our wedding party. Nobody else seems to have a problem with things. But now, a month out, my B pulled the kids from the wedding as he claims he wasn’t aware of the day & date of our wedding, nor that the kids would have to be pulled from school early to be on-site for preparation; claiming that he would not risk them not getting a perfect attendance reward at the end of the year. We have given them all of the information that we’ve had, as soon as it’s been made available to us. We understand that people need to make appropriate arrangements and we don’t expect folks to bend over backwards; but we’d explained the basic details to them over a year and a half ago about what would be expected (not just in time, but in cost.. and we’ve been insanely cost-conscious for everyone involved. When we can save on things, we take it as we can!) We have a full-day photographer, we were paying for the 5yr old to get her hair and makeup done (mostly for the fun and dress-up of it all) as well as other things that are happening the morning-of. There are a lot of details I’m not describing here, but both Fiance and I are so upset and stressed over the situation (nor do we want any BS from either of them at our wedding.. we want to be happy, not made fun of, nor treated like we don’t matter) that we’ve uninvited B & SIL.
Our Maid/Matron of Honor and Bridesmaid or Best Man have been incredible as has our Coordinator, thank goodness.
In the end, we don’t expect everyone to like our decisions, but we do hope that people respect them or at least understand that this is the biggest day of our lives. To note, I honestly never thought I would ever get married… I’m 33. I know it’s not like I’m ancient, but my relationship history before Fiance was horrible and I had resigned myself to the idea that I’d never be married.. and honestly, I was ok with it. I had plans for myself on where I’d go, and what I’d do.. etc. Nobody could have ever told me that Fiance would end up with me; we were best friends but I never, ever saw this in the cards. We are incredibly blessed and lucky to have what we do.
A side thought that I’ve had on the brain recently.. we were thinking about the phrase that starts, “Do unto others..”. We’re all supposed to be “the bigger person” and not let someone’s actions affect us, right? But at what point are we allowed to call someone out on their actions and tell them, Hey.. this is bull? Certain things we’ve come across in the wedding process, it seems like people expect us to stick our feelings in the corner and not show them, even when folks are blatantly rude, inconsiderate, etc. My girlfriends and my parents keep telling us “This is YOUR day. Yours and FI’s. It’s okay for you to do what you want!” So darn it, we’re taking the bull by the horns and we’re not afraid to break a few hearts at this point. Not to turn into the people who’ve wronged us, but simply to take back what is ours, in this most special day. Neither Fiance nor I are worried about the actual wedding day, particularly; we know it will be amazing and whatever happens happens; but we just don’t want B & SIL to even be there. Not to mention any gift they give, they’d hold it over our heads for the next several years (been there and done that with them, too.)
Rant/off. 🙂 Thanks for reading, if you made it this far!