(Closed) Stressed Out Bee. NEED YOUR OPINION

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2565 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

When people plan a destination wedding, they have to accept the fact that not everyone they want to be there is able to make it.  For her to tell you to put off buying a house so you can afford her wedding is really inappropriate.

If you can’t fit both weddings into your budget, I don’t think it is unreasonable to pick one.  Which one you attend is up to you should you go this route, so I won’t comment on that.  But don’t let anyone pressure you into choosing one (ie one was your Maid/Matron of Honor, but the other is family) or forcing you to go outside your comfort zone with your budget and attend both. 

Post # 4
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

That decision is really up to you. Prioritize and weigh the importance of each. Ask them if they have any alternative plans for persons who cannot afford their weddings, such as skyping the ceremony or something. You could do this if you decide to not attend one or both of the weddings.

If you would be attending both, you could probably check with your bank or financial institution to see if they offer any good small loan packages that would help you with the cost. 

I live on an island and the local credit unions offer a package where you basically save some of the money that you are paying back to them.

It is horrible when you make your plans and another person (or persons in your case) throw a pitchfork in the middle of it… anyway, thats how life goes. 

Post # 5
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

This really sucks. I wouldn’t let this derail your home buying plans, though.

I think family is most important, so if your brother wants you to come, I’d definitely do that one. I agree it’s super awkward with your Maid/Matron of Honor, though. Ugh.

Could you scale back your own wedding plans or maybe take the trip to Thailand a bit later?

I would probably opt to skip the MOH’s wedding but I certainly don’t envy your position 🙁

Post # 6
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I would just not attend both weddings, honestly. I would maybe pick just one, if I could swing it. It would break my heart, but it would break my heart even worse to have to delay my own life goals of starting a family just to attend a party. I know if I was the MOH/brother in this situation, it would kill me knowing that my best friend/sister was attending my wedding at the cost of delaying starting a family – and I certainly would NOT want them to go into debt over it!

I think if I had to pick between the two I’d have to choose my sibling’s wedding, but that does kind of depend on your relationship I suppose.

Post # 7
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

That is a really unfortunate situation. However, your Maid/Matron of Honor may just have to learn the hard way that planning an expensive destination wedding isn’t necessarily something everyone she loves can be on board for. It’s part of the reason many people that WANT a Destination Wedding do not do one (ahem, me.)

That being said, I would do your wedding and honeymoon as planned. I would also attend your brother’s wedding because, well, that’s family and it is also a month later giving you more time to add to your savings. If you could swing it by cutting small costs for your wedding that may help you be able to attend both?

I also find the house buying comment super inappropriate, assuming she wasn’t joking? Her wedding does not “rank” above your life-building with your future husband…weird.

Post # 8
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

I”m sorry that your in this situation 🙁

In the long run, I’ll bet it’ll matter more to you that you were at both weddings (these aren’t random friends, they are your brother and your bestie) than spending an extra 6 months or whatever saving.

I’d also say that living in an appartment is not really a reason that you have to delay getting pregnant.   

Post # 10
1367 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@cbgg:  +1


OP there will always be houses but the experience of seeing your loved ones get married is something you can never get back.

Post # 11
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@ChelseaBells:  I don’t think you need to feel selfish – at the end of the day then know that by choosing a Destination Wedding they will have some people who can’t make it.  As long as you’ll feel peace with the choice you’re making the right decision.

Post # 12
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

@canuckandakiwi:  +1

I agree. I know it is disappointing to wait another year but it is only a year and often the time flies by! I don’t think there are any wrong choices here but if I were in your shoes I would probably wait a year for the house, go on the honeymoon, and go to the two weddings especially as going to the weddings will solidify your relationships with those particular couples.

However, something to consider is if you are going to resent going to the weddings if it means you have to put off buying a house for a year. B/c if you really think you are going to resent going that might sour your relationship with your friend and your brother which wouldn’t be good.

I’m sorry you have to make these tough decisions and wish you all the best!

Post # 13
2952 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 1998

@ChelseaBells:  I think you need to attend both because I think you will end up regretting it if you don’t. Yeah it really sucks but these things happen sometimes in life.

Destination Wedding can be a real burden and if its not family or a really close friend I wouldn’t attend. Not because i don’t want to but I just can afford it. 

Post # 14
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Are you sure both destination weddings are booked? I’ve been planning a Destination Wedding and now I think I’m cancelling it and eloping instead. My friend went from planning a Destination Wedding to planning a wedding, then postponing it. So.. DWs are really hard to plan and maybe they won’t be doing it after all?

Honestly, I think you should attend both weddings and the one I would not attend if I had to pick would be the brother because he planned his second and you already made plans to go to the other one, PLUS he’s having an at-home reception (which is super common and I’m not sure that you should be upset about that?). 

Also, you can’t be upset that they chose to have a Destination Wedding. There are a ton of reasons why people do them and just because you chose to spend a lot of money on your wedding so that it would be easier for other people to come, doesn’t mean that you should be upset that other people are spending less on their wedding, even if it makes it harder for you to come. At the end of the day, I spent $1500-2000+ attending my friends weddings and they were in NY (one was where I lived, one was after I moved to SC), so attending weddings in general is expensive.  I do think it’s understandable not to be able to do 2 DWs 2 months in a row and I think that if it was important for your brother for you to be there, he would be more considerate of the date and plan it a little later. I know I’m planning mine around school schedules so that certain people (teachers, grad school students, etc) can attend my Destination Wedding wedding (well.. when I was planning it… still deciding on the elopement thing). 

Personally, the thing I’d give up is a honeymoon. I’d turn one of those DWs into a minimoon and you can always take a honeymoon much later.

Post # 15
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I don’t see why its such a biiiiiig deal to just delay your house hunt. Yes, that sucks, shit happens that causes a blip in your plans  but I’d much rather be there for a once in a lifetime event of a loved one than missing out because you must have a house next year. 

Post # 16
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I would delay buying the house, or come up with a plan that would enable you to look for a house in the timeline that you want without depriving you of attending either wedding. On the bright side, if you postponed a year, inevitably you should have a bit more in savings for a deposit, even with subtracting the estimated $7k.

If it was me, I would regret missing a wedding for whatever reason, especially if it was my brother.

There are always houses for sale, but weddings are a once-in-a-lifetime event.

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