Stressed out, want the wedding to be OVER

posted 1 year ago in Family
Post # 32
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969 - Montsalvat, Victoria

Hi OP, just writing to say I think you handled that conversation really well! Also I recently got married and 100% did not pay for every little thing for my bridesmaids – I covered the girls shoes, hair, jewellery and gift boxes but they all paid for their dresses, make up, nails and bachelorette party. I think you’ve been really transparent and reasonable with your Maid/Matron of Honor and it’s not like you’ve sprung this up from out of the blue re: what she needs to pay for. Even if she runs in different social/financial circles to you she certainly isn’t schooled in manners – I find it really rude her comparing your backgrounds because in reality it has nothing to do with anything. You could be quite well off financially but still not want to pay for your bridesmaids dresses and that would be totally OK too! Agree with some of the pps though, this shouldn’t be your hill to die on. I also love that your having a wedding that you can afford and aren’t going into debt for it, imo that’s the smartest way to plan a wedding! Enjoy your special day and remember that all this drama will pass and you’ll be left with (hopefully) only amazing memories 😊 

Post # 33
2806 posts
Sugar bee

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gcontreras :  I’m so upset on your behalf. Your friend is conpletely and totally in the wrong. In the USA, it is customary for the bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses. Makeup and hair should be paid for by the bride only if she dictates the bridesmaids get it professionally done. She can say it’s not about the money, but that’s clearly a lie. Obviously she’s used to being pampered and spoiled, and it’s made her a brat. 

Post # 35
578 posts
Busy bee

I don’t like how she keeps trying to rationalize her behavior by saying you two come from different backgrounds. It doesn’t matter what your background is, everyone should be aware that people are different, not all families are the same and not everyone’s circumstances are the same. My parents are well off and I grew up priveleged. But I’m certainly aware that many people aren’t that lucky and not everyone can afford the kind of lifestyle I grew up with. I would never expect everyone to have an elaborate wedding just because my family could afford to have one.

Your friend is conflating wealth and generosity, but they’re not the same thing. Her family might be overly generous when they host an event, but that’s only because they can afford to be overly generous. She wasn’t brought up to give more than she has; she was brought up to spend money like a rich person. Maybe she doesn’t realize that it’s not possible to give more than you have? You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Even if she thinks paying for the bridesmaids hair and makeup is the right thing to do, she must realize that not everyone has that kind of money. It boggles my mind that she doesn’t understand this.

Post # 37
6037 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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gcontreras :  ok well then that’s completely different. Are you sure you really want her in your party? She sounds kind of awful.

Post # 38
1220 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

It sounds to me like you still want her in the wedding, and she still wants to be part of it. I think once you meet in person to clear the air, you’ll know for sure if she’s still in your bridal party. Hopefully she comes to see how unkind she’s been. Money can’t buy you class, that’s for sure.

I don’t know how many weddings she’s been in that weren’t her own family, but I’ve never once been a bridesmaid in a wedding where dress, shoes, hair, or makeup were covered by the bride. That’s a UK think, not a US thing. When I have been a bridesmaid, my friends have been great (like you!) about letting us pick our own outfits within a color scheme, do our hair how we want, etc. They gave the bridesmaids gifts but I don’t think it was anything I ever wore or used again, to be honest.

After being in a number of wedding parties ourselves, my husband and I decided not to have a bridal party for our own wedding, in part to avoid putting those costs and expectations on our friends.

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