- 5 years ago
(Sorry I rambled on for so long, I’m just upset)
A little background info first. My dad is an alcoholic and has been for as long as I can remember. He deals with depression and has always been DEAD SET against getting professional help, and self medicates. When he drinks he goes into rages, and those are pretty much the stand-out memories from my childhood. My mom suffers from depression as well, and from that combined with my dad’s drinking and verbal and mental abuse, she had become a shell of a person by the time I was in my teens. My parents had separated by this point, but my dad was still always around our house. I would come home from school to find my mom in bed, assuming she had been there all day. I would do my homework and make myself dinner, and try to make her get up and eat something but she usually wouldn’t, and I would go to bed.
I would often wake up in the middle of the night to the sounds of her crying and arguing on the phone with my dad, and before long he would show up at our house drunk and out of his mind trying to break the door down (he kicked it in more than once). I would cry and scream and plead for him to leave, he’d eventually pass out on the couch and by then it was morning and I had to go to school.
Both of them, multiple times, have called me or approached me in hysterics telling me that they are going to kill themselves. Even when I was a young child.
My dad got a girlfriend at some point so luckily his focus wasn’t on my mom anymore, but both of my parents still had their own problems, only separately.
Even though I have made him sound like a monster, my dad is the most kind and caring person in the world when he is not drinking, but he has a huge problem, and he knows that. Recently his girlfriend left him and he has completely broken down. He allowed his sister to take him to a psychiatrist and they put him on an anti-depressant and scheduled weekly counseling sessions. He went for about a month and was doing AMAZING, but then he just didn’t want to go anymore, and he stopped taking his medicine, and he’s right back where he started.
As for my mom, she is doing terrible as well. She cleans houses for a living and she has back problems, so it is hard work for her for very little pay. She moved in with my grandmother a few years ago to save money and also to take care of her mom who has health problems. My mom went back to school and graduated last year, that was a HUGE deal and probably the most difficult thing she’s ever done, but she finished and I am so proud of her. Unfortunately she has not been able to find a job and it’s time to start paying back student loans. These pressures combined with taking care of her mother and several other family members is crushing her. Now her car has broken down and she doesn’t have the money to fix it…and just doesn’t know what to do. She is back in her terribly depressed state…staying in bed all day.
I don’t know what to do. I have my own job, husband, life. But I love them and if I don’t do everything I can to help, who will? I am an only child. I know they both need quality, professional help but there is no money. They both tell me that I am the only good thing in their lives, I am the only thing keeping them alive. They say they don’t want me to worry, but I can’t just go about my life and ignore their suffering. I just want them to be happy, they’ve never been happy. I am terrified that one or both of them is going to die. I am only 23 years old and I am just so exhausted. 🙁