Post # 1
Hi bees! I am sure this has been asked a million times before, but I wanted to ask with my specifics.
My bf of two years is 38. I am 33.
We have talked seriously about everything in life, and he tells me he wants to marry me have a family but a house together ect. I got to asking him about timelines and in October he said before the end of the year. Well 2018 has come and gone.
I thought maybe around my birthday in December or Valentines but nothing. I am beginning to feel he is just dangling a carrot in my face.
The only reason I am in a bit of a rush is I want to have kids and still be young enough to avoid fertility issues and be relatively young as they grow up. I feel like this window is closing if he waits another year or two.
Sometimes when we argue he says things along the lines of us not being together very long…which okay two years in your 20s is very different than 2 years in your (in his case upper) 30s. We have gone through a lot together in two years (loss of family members, illnesses, unemployment..) and spent virtually every day together. I dont understand the hold up if we are in love and I am starting to feel uneasy. I know lots of people have babies before marriage but I really want to be traditional; I was raised very Catholic.
Any advice, insight, commiseration appreciated 🙂
Post # 2
Hi there 🙂 So, i’d say you are doing everything you need to do, just don’t venture the ultimatums to him. Because then he may not take you seriously if you don’t follow them yourself. Maybe run by the conversation again, OR tell him a story about a friend that hasnt gotten married yet, and make it seem like a joke or a story that shows how strongly you feel about it without directly telling him. Itll be a subconcious thing on his part, really. Continue to check in, don’t be pushy, but check in. Maybe let him know things like “I wouldnt want a big wedding” or “I dont know why people spend X amt on a wedding..”etc… maybe that could help him talk about it more as many men worry about the financial aspects of it. 🙂
All in all, seems like he is serious about you, and it can take man some time to plan a proposal as well. Give him a little time, if possible.
Post # 3
Him making comments about you guys not being together long enough for marriage after giving you a timeline of 2018 makes no sense
I would just ask him point blank why he gave you a timeline that he seemed to have no intention of following through on.
i wouldn’t want to play games or beat around the bush, have a real conversation with him.
Post # 4
futuremrs2020 : I agree with this as well. Honestly, this may be more concrete, and direct advice. Go with this OP.
Post # 5
beekind2 : Time for a serious conversation, Bee. If you want children you need to move forward or move on. He either wants to plan a big future with you or he doesn’t–two years together in your mid-thirties is not rushing, it’s realistic.
Post # 6
It’s bad enough when someone goes back on their word to you, but even worse when that person is someone you want to have a shared future with. It’s okay to be disappointed, or even upset, that he would tell you the proposal would be happening… and then nothing. That hurts!
It’s also okay to talk to him about this in a calm, adult way. He needs to know you’re disappointed and that you’d like to have a say in your future. There’s no point in pretending he’s been doing everything right. You may love him, but after two years, it’s time to consider whether the two of you are truly on the same page.
Post # 7
I think you should just have a talk with him.Be very honest and up front. I think love is a beautiful thing,but too many times women waste their good years on shoulda woulda coulda. Besides that, there could be a real reason for his delayed proposal. The important thing is to have the dialogue.
Post # 8
Has he been married before? Has he had a long term relationship before? If so, do you know why it ended?
If he hasn’t, or if he has had a string of long term relationships, at 38, he may be something of a commitment phobe. Happy to be in a relationsihp, but not open to marriage.
Whatever the case, if children are important to you, then you have to have an adult discussion with him about it that does not end in some unresolved future date promise that keeps you hanging. Ask him to open up and be honest with you about marriage, because you really need to know. Having and raising children is a big life choice. Is he on board? If not, by staying with him, you are just postponing the heartbreak and eventual break-up.
Post # 9
It is completely unacceptable that he gave you a timeline of the end of the year and then failed to act on it. He literally let it pass and did nothing. He is clearly not a man of his word, which doesn’t bode well for the future.
Have another conversation with him. You need to let him know that you will not tolerate empty promises and it is hard to trust him now that he has already broken one timeline and figure out why it happened with him.
He should hear you out and be apologetic and be able to explain to you where he went wrong and come up with a new timeline where you can be more involved this time so you can see that he’s taking action and making progress. Do not settle for any less at this point.
If he gets defensive or does not respond the way you want, then I think you will have to just move on. You don’t have time for this.
At 33 and 38, 2 years is more than enough time to get this show on the road.
Sorry this is happening, bee. Hopefully it can be resolved and he is eager to make things right. If not, show him the door and quickly. You owe yourself the best chance at having children naturally if that is what you want. Good luck!
Post # 10
I see a few things going on here. The first is, that he didn’t make good on his promise. Sometimes when I see people say stuff like that, I feel as though they are just trying to shut their partner up and get them off their backs. Based on your story, I feel like he was trying to do just that. I would feel terribly disappointed if I were in your shoes.
The thing I am most concerned about is that your discussions about the future dissolve into arguments. Quite frankly, if you want a life together, you shouldn’t have to argue about it.
It seems like he is pushing back with a lot of excuses. If my boyfriend pulled “oh two years together in the grand scheme of things isn’t long at all” while discussing our future I’d be livid. Its incredibly invalidating and dismissive of your time together. I would ask him if he thinks there should be an allotted period of time a couple should wait prior to getting engaged. Maybe he thinks its five years, or maybe he wants to live together first. Perhaps asking him about what he needs in order to feel comfortable about marriage might put you on the same page, because as of right now, you two dont sound like you agree on what your future should look like.
Talk to him, express your feelings, and stand your ground. I would hold off on babies for now. If he wants them before getting married to you, I would walk. I wouldn’t trust him to stick around for a child if he couldn’t commit to you knowing full well that marriage was an important factor.
Best of luck. You got this.
Post # 11
ifoundtheloml0705 : The not keeping his word is concerning, but I agree w/you about saying that OP doesn’t have a future w/him. If he uses that argument, that sounds like he is stringing you along until he dumps you.
Post # 12
Two years is more than enough time to decide whether or not someone is right for you, especially in your 30s. Sounds like he’s getting cold feet or he just doesn’t want to commit to you. I would make it clear to him that you don’t want to stay in this relationship without a commitment and see what he says to that. Personally though, I don’t think it’s a good sign that he’s making excuses – the right man would be excited and enthusiatic about getting married.
Post # 13
Thank you ladies for all of your insights, really helpful 🙂
He has had a few other longer term relationships, measured in years not months. I have never really gotten the jist of what happened to the last one, something along the lines of they grew apart. I have never pushed the issue because in my mind to some extent the past is past, and he is such a good partner for 98% of things that I don’t mind not knowing.
We have been living toghether since like month 4. We moved pretty fast because we have just clicked–as best friends and lovers since day 1. That is why it is so confounding to me that he is making me wait when he knows how IMPORTANT having kids is to me and that I want to do it like yesterday. Again I would be sitting back gladly biding time if in my 20s but right now, gosh if he makes me wait another 6 mos-1 year for the proposal, then a couple months (AT LEAST) to plan a wedding, then start TTC, then 9 months for baby–that puts me well into 2020 and my 34th year AT MINIMUM. He knows I want a backyard wedding (CHEAP) and I can’t count how many times I have said please don’t buy an expensive ring ect ect. He makes a great living and knows I want things inexpensive so money is not the hold up.
I think two (slighlty over by a few months) is plenty of time to have gotten engaged and be in the next stage now. We have spent literally every day together. I have seen so many people do fine after getting engaged after a few months-1 year. It is just very frustrating because I have good intuition and I don’t think his feet dragging bodes well for it ever happening. His parents were divorced when he was young but old enough to remember and I think it has scared him. Also a few of his best buds are in contentious divorces at the moment so I am sure he is thinking WTF.
If this wasn’t such a great relationship and I didn’t cherish us together so much I would walk. 99% of our convos about the future are cheery and hopeful; it’s just lately when I am upset about something else that the engagement thing has been coming up as it is just starting to really bother me since so many opportunities to propose have come and gone (bday, anniversary, ect ect)…hopefully that makes sense.
I guess I just have to let go of my timeline a little bit longer and then go from there. Relationships are about some sacrifice after all, right?
Thanks again bees 🙂
Post # 14
“I guess i just have to let go of my timeline a little bit longer then go from there. Relationships are about some sacrifice after all, right?”
No. Not when it comes to sacrificing your fertility.
And what timeline?? He hasn’t even come up with a new timeline with you. You’re waiting for nothing
Post # 15
Have you sat down with him yet to ask why he missed his own timeline and to let him know that this is causing you concern given your own timeline for children?
He has clearly not prioritized the engagement so far, so you are doing yourself a disservice to keep sitting around assuming he will propose soon. He probably won’t, and 6 – 12 months from now, you’re going to be even more concerned than you are now. Talk to him, set a new timeline, and make it clear to him that this isn’t something he can just blow off again.