(Closed) Strippers, bachelor parties, and trust issues- discussion

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I completely agree with you on the "last hurrah" — the commitment starts way before the wedding ceremony.

I’m okay with the guys getting together to celebrate the groom, and the girls doing our thing too, separately or together, just as a traditional extension of the wedding activities, but I don’t see a need for it to include anything you’re supposedly giving up after you marry. 

Excellent points & well put. 

Post # 4
Member
700 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

What a well-written post.  I personally don’t care if my fiance goes to a strip club for the Bridal Party, but that’s my own personal thang because well…I guess I can’t really explain my feeling on this as well as you have for your view point, but it just doesn’t bother me.

I’ve read posts on here before where women sound irrationally upset about this topic, but I think you’ve done an excellent job in explaining sound viewpoints.  I think this post will be helpful for the women who feel the way that you do and have not found a way to sound rational about it. 

Kudos!

Post # 5
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I think a man whose friends take him out for his bachelor party is entirely different from a guy who frequents strip clubs.  The latter is skeazy and you’re right, you wouldn’t be marrying that guy.  However, for a guy whose friends want to take him out, I just don’t think it’s worth getting upset over.  I mean, yes it’s gross, and I even think that it’s pointless (the guy gets all, how do I say it, excited and there isn’t much he can do while in the club).  However, I would not tell my fiance and his friends that they couldn’t go to a strip club b/c of the way I felt.  Case in point, my friends took my fiance to Vegas and of course they went to a club.  Would I tell his friends, who spent the money to fly all the way out there, stay in a nice hotel, and take him out (to other places as well) that they couldn’t go?  Heck no!  That would just make everyone upset and uncomfortable, and quite frankly they’d probably do it anyway and then there would be guilt and trust issues.  Who wants that?  I think it has nothing to do with having a perfectly good set of boobies back home, or the last hurrah…it’s all about male bonding, as neanderthalic that may be.   I say just let him have fun and have him take a long hot shower afterward. 

Post # 6
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I have to agree with LrnGemini on the point that someone who frequents a strip club is completely different than his friends taking him out to a strip club for the bachelor party.

The Fiance is the youngest and the last to get married; the famous bachelor party between the "men" in the family has turned into a tradition of sorts. They go across the border to Hard Rock, the father pays for a ridiculous amount of steak & booze. Then they go to the strip clubs where the brothers pay some woman who is WAY too old to still be at a strip to give the groom a lap dance. Personally I find it funny and yes 1 or 2 of the brothers have gotten a little overboard due to booze.

I think it all boils down to trust honestly. I trust the Fiance, I know he will hate every second of the strip club portion but would love being out with his brothers, dad and good friends. He would much rather do something crazy for his bachelor party like skydiving (which he’s already done and most certainly not doing right before we get married!! Ack!). But you know what as pointless as we think the strip club thing is it’s become a tradition and it all just boils down to them going out and having fun. Could they have just as much fun elsewhere, certainly.

I’m not really sure I made my point. But what I’m trying to say is trust is the key. I know no matter how drunk the Fiance gets he’s not going to stick his hand out and try to grab some girls boobys. I know when the brothers pay some old chick to give him a lap dance he’ll probably just stick his hand out to shake her hand afterwards and say thanks. The last bachelor party he ended up sitting there with another stripper having a discussion with her about how she’s trying to pay her way through college, etc. Anyway, I trust my Fiance, he comes back from each bachelor party taking a HOT shower to get the germies off then gives me a kiss goodnight as he climbs into bed.

Post # 7
Member
700 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Yes, I agree that often a batchelor party has little to do with groom-to-be choice.  There are usually several other guys involved who are gungho for naughtiness and see the strip club as a rite of passage before marriage.  Often the groom gets into trouble when he’s simply along for the ride.

I’d like to pose this question:  If you gals were taken on your batchelorette party and a male stripper shows up, are you going to stop the party, kick the stripper out, and insult your friends who have spent money, time, and effort to arrange the evening? 

I don’t think these people are setting the brides and grooms up for failure…I think it’s all in good fun. 

Post # 8
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

ahahhahaha. Jennybride! SUCH a good point. I will bet my bottom dollar that if any groom tried to tell their bride they cannot have a male stripper at her bachelorette party she will most likely tell him to stuff it. And get all 21st century power woman. Whether they wanted one or not. But I bet anyone would not like the fact of their SO telling them they cannot do something.

P.S. Kiddingly, my Maid/Matron of Honor & I told the Fiance we were going to have male strippers at my bachelorette party. He found it hilarious.

Post # 9
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee

I couldn’t have made this post any better than the OP did.  I feel the exact same way and have gone to making myself sick over the topic as FIs friends don’t care for me at all and I know they’ll pull some BS like this just to hurt my feelings.  I have issues with it for some more personal, emotional reasons and Fiance knows these.  However he won’t tell them or her to stop if they do it at his bachelor party so I guess I just have to feel like poo and deal with it.

Post # 10
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I agree that strippers are wrong.  Of course I think they are always wrong, male or female.  Investing money in strippers is not only degrading to the bride, it’s degrading to all women.  It objectifies them.  So true feminism would be to make that point, not to say that if he’s going to get a stripper, so am I.  Or I am an empowered woman, therefore if he tells me in his honest heart that he doesn’t like the idea, I’m going to tell him to stuff it.  I think it could cause some communication problems if I didn’t listen to him openly, and instead got defensive and went out doing just the opposite.  How do you want him to treat you when you want to honestly tell him your opinions on something, even if it’s not about strippers?  What if you really like the name Dylan for your first born son , and he says you’re not the boss of me?

I don’t think not liking strippers has to do with trust issues either.  It might be the reason for some people, but not all.  Watching naked people for sexual pleasure is sinful.  (for men or women.)  You can think I’m a wet blanket, that’s fine.  But try not to make general (armchair psychologist) statements about why some people have problems with this.  Also, sometimes the "trust issues" might be with the groomsmen not the groom.  The groom might not want strippers but the other guys do, or want to embarrass him, etc.  I’m sorry going around saying "I don’t care about the bach party, because I trust my guy", sounds judgemental, and a little like you’re trying to say you have a better relationship than people who don’t like strippers.

And yes, if my friends went against my wishes and got a male stripper at my bachelorette party, I would leave the room, until he was gone.  No joke.  If they deliberately did the opposite of what I want, they deserve that awkward moment.  But we’re not talking the wrong drink, a different color or whatever.  For me it’s a moral issue.  You shouldn’t mess around with people’s wishes there.

Post # 11
Member
700 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Wet blanket wasn’t the phrase that came to mind.  I totally agree that people need to be careful about making generalizations, however crowning acts with the SIN stamp is doing just that.  I love this open forum that we have started here, and I hope it continues for everyone to feel comfortable to post their view point. 

Post # 12
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Sorry Jenny, saying people have trust issues if they don’t like strippers is judging them.  Saying watching strippers is a sin, isn’t judging people.  It’s judging an act.  At no time do I think that watching naked people dance, could be OK.  However, clearly, someone can not like strippers for reasons other than lack of trust.

If you think I am judging the act of stripping or watching strippers, you are right.  I am not judging the people.  Judging people is what’s bad, not actions.  After all we are supposed to place judgement on actions, right?  That’s how we know it’s wrong to steal, murder, cheat etc.

Post # 13
Member
700 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree that not all those who protest going to a strip club are grappeling with trust issues.  Some are, but not all. 

And I’m going to go ahead and say that it’s incorrect so say that sin stamping isn’t judging.  And yes, judging acts not people is the correct wording.  Could you identify what you are judging (people or acts) in the following excerpt from your first post:  "I agree that strippers are wrong.  Of course I think they are always wrong, male or female."  Just wondering. 

The wording in your any post that cues the readers that it’s an opinion is "I think". 

 

Post # 14
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2009

I find the phrase "strippers are wrong" quite interesting.  It fascinates me that people can look upon this profession in the way that they do.  The idea of everything being a matter of perspective didn’t dawn on me until recently, when I watched a television show where prostitutes are revered members of society (Firefly, the movie ‘Serenity’ was based on).  It reminds me of the way that I was once horrified of the ‘C-word’ until I moved to England and discovered that while it is still a bad word, it is not even close to as horrid as it is in the US.  I think that it’s all a matter of what you are exposed to.  I am of the camp that actually encouraged my husband to go to the strip club with his friends on his bachelor party.  I knew that nothing was going to happen that I would object to.  I have actually been to a strip club with previous boyfriends, watched them get a lap dance, and thought nothing of it.  It was actually funny to see how uncomfortrable they got. 

This is not to in any way imply that those who think differently than I do are wrong in any way, shape, or form.  We just think differently, that’s all, and I appreciate that.  If anything, it’s great because it gives me something to think about on a lazy Saturday morning! 

Post # 15
Member
700 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

We aim to please, meganmp1!  🙂

Post # 16
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

My husband would be REALLY uncomfortable in a strip club.  He was one of the last of his circle of friends to get married and NONE of their bachelor parties involved strip clubs.

If he had a friend whose bachelor party was a strip club, I’m not sure he would even be willing to go.  If he did, I would be alright with it.  I’d probably even be alright with him getting a lap dance because of how awkward and uncomfortable it would be- he’d be so embarassed it would be comical.

However, if he were the type to really ‘get a thrill’ from strip clubs I would not be OK with him going.  For 2 reasons.

1.  I certainly would not be OK with our hard earned money doing into the g string of a stripper!  Those things can be expensive and I would resent him spending our money on it.

2.  I would feel like it was a step in the direction of infidelity.  If he’s comfortable paying a woman for any kind of sexual behavior I would worry he would eventually go to far and pay for sex, or get used to the idea of getting sex from other sources.

I know #2 isn’t necessarily true or accurate, but it’s how I would feel in that position.

I can understand why women get upset over this.  I’m thankful it’s not something I’ve had to deal with personally.

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