(Closed) Strongly considering proposing…

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2012

i think he has told you that he wants you to propose. 

Its not for everyone. I proposed to my man and for a while i kept it quiet thinking he would be embarrised. turns out he thought i was ashamed now i always make a point of telling people that i proposed when they ask how it happened and he always lights up with pride he loves that our story is differnt and not run of the mill. we always get such shocked reactions and i have to admit its not like we are the typical couple. 

no offence ment but if this was the woman saying these things it would be seen as almost nagging and a case of you should be on the waiting thread. 

find the right way for you and ask him 

if your dead set on getting him to ask you then maybe you could tell him that you will propose if he proposes not traditional but then you both get a proposal.

i did and im getting married in two months yay

at first it is hard i did a lot of soul serching before i realised that sometimes you have to go and get the things you want not sit around and wait for them to happen i know it sounds harsh but you get a tough skin when you brake from convention oh and you will get one or to meanies who say things about women poposing and being desperate but i just brush it off with well im still getting married so the end goal is still acheaved no matter how you get there. 

Post # 4
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I know you said you don’t want to hear, “Talk to him about it,” BUT it sounds like you’re still not sure if he’s joking. And the proposal is a big deal to you – so you don’t want to make an important decision with the feeling of maybe he’s serious/maybe he’s not. I would have a serious conversation with him about it. Has he said why he wants you to be the one to propose? Have you told him why you really want to be proposed to?

Post # 5
Member
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Britk:   I agree with duckyducky that you need to talk to him about this.  When my Fiance and I started dating, within a couple of months he started making comments to me, jokingly, about proposing, us getting married, my last name becoming his, etc.  It was a little unnerving, I’ll admit.  And once I made a comment back in reference to our future wedding, hypothetically.  He jumped on me a little and said something like, “For us to get married we have to have a wedding and for us to have a wedding you have to wait for me to propose to you.”  Which pissed me off!  I told him he’d burst my bubble that day, lol.  He apologized and later that evening I said, “We need to talk about this seriously.”  It was a great discussion.  He said he definitely wanted to marry me but that he wasn’t ready to propose yet, because of needing to get a ring, etc.  I asked for a time frame of when he felt he’d be ready, and he told me what that was. 

It was only about four months after that conversation that he asked what kind of ring I wanted, we went shopping to look at rings, he chose and purchased one (my top choice, yay).  As soon as he got it from the jeweler (being sized to a 4) he was so excited that he walked in the house (I was sitting at our dining room table opening mail, of all things) and got down on one knee.  I screamed!  He asked me to marry him and opened the box and put the ring on my finger.  I said, “Yes,” of course!  I also said, “Ok, is this the real, official proposal this time?”  And he said it was.  Not long after that we set our wedding date.

Men have a different sense of humor sometimes and it’s hard to pin them down.  I think in your case it is very safe to say your SO really does want to marry you.  He may have plans in mind or he may be saving for a ring.  You need to sit him down and have a serious talk with him.  Let him know how deeply this is affecting you and how deeply important marrying him is.  Ask him where his head’s at, seriously speaking, about your getting married.

Good luck!

Post # 6
Hostess
7560 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I would have a serious conversation with him about it. Ask him if he actually wants you to propose and why. Tell him why you want him to propose. Figure it out together.

The actual proposal can be a surprise but you just need to get who’s doing it figured out. It may not be the most romantic thing to talk about but it’s better than feelings being hurt because expectations weren’t met. 

Post # 7
Member
1405 posts
Bumble bee

I would feel like he gave me his man card if he told me to propose.  And I would also feel that he would never be able to take the bull by the horns and make important decisions in the future. 

Girls dream of the proposal.  They don’t dream of being the one to propose.  

Post # 8
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Everytime he makes the comment “I’m just waiting for you to propose” I would just say “Well then I guess we won’t ever be married” and then be like “Seriously I’m NEVER going to ask you”.  

Post # 9
Member
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Girls dream of the proposal.  They don’t dream of being the one to propose. You said it Sunflower–girl, I’m not traditional, but if my fiance wanted me to propose he’d NEVER hear the end of it and in addition to that we’d never be engaged because I personally feel like the man should do it.  Everyones different of course and some women dont mind being the proposer, to me though it seems like you’d rather have him ask you, so maybe explain to him why its important to you that he does it. 

Another thing to think about is that this proposal will always be in your memories, for instance my fiance didnt get on one knee until I jestured for him to get down there, so thats something I’ll always remember, its not that serious, but I will always know how things went down, no pun intended.

 

Post # 11
Member
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I wouldn’t propose (although to be honest after 6+ Years with my guy, I was certainly at the point of considering it… thinking “Gee, when in heck is this ever going to happen?” )

In the end, we just talked a lot about getting married, until it just naturally seemed to go the way of … “You (we) should go look at rings” (he made this remark to me on vacation after we’d seen a Bride & Groom having their pics done on the beach, and he had said “Wow we should do that sometime”… and I replied “Really?” )

So although I have a ring now (picking it up at the Jewellers this weekend), I don’t “technically” have a proposal to go with it… (at least not the down on bended knee… “Will you marry me ?” kind of one)

But all is good… he’s been telling our friends we are engaged (lol, although technically no Question and no ring on the hand as of yet), and I think he’s actually kind of relieved that he didn’t have to do the whole ta-do.

I on the other hand, am HOPING that when we pick up the ring, and he goes to place it on my ring finger that he’ll at least “ask” the magic Question… wouldn’t be the same without it

(I will be stressing that in some gentle way in a conversation BEFORE we get to the Jewellery Store)

So what to do?

Well as I said, I wouldn’t propose, because it just isn’t me… and like you I wanted to be proposed to.

So I suggest that you just keep up with the wedding talk / gentle hints etc.  He may want to be proposed to… or not (although I’d say that is really rare for a guy, more likely he has taken this position in a joking fun kind of way, because the whole idea of a formal proposal to you scares him a bit)…

You need to let him know that your being proposed to is important to you because of how you feel about the “tradition”

You might not get the whole “on bended knee” thing… and end up with something like mine… but in my opinion (and where my own head is at about doing the asking… which I see as a girl begging “begging”… not a pretty sight, so not to my personal taste) what I got in the end is a heck of a lot better than nothing

Hope that makes sense, as I said, its just my own opinion and how I feel about the whole subject (and for the record I’ve been married before, and I really pushed the proposal the first time… didn’t ask, but may have well as, and that marriage didn’t work out… so I regret having done that… looking back I think it made me look too desperate etc).  So not something I’d ever recommend

Just my 2 cents.

 

 

Post # 12
Member
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think a lot of women face this issue. I certainly thought about it, but my Fiance thought it was sad and funny that even though I’d been married twice before, no one had ever really proposed to me. He’s never been married and assumed he would be the first man to truly propose to me. When we’d been together (living together) for a longish time, I realized this proposal didn’t seem to be happening and I was hurt. He’d talked about wanting marriage – the “whole package finally” in his life since we first met. Finally I told him that I’d entered the relationship with that knowledge and had decided that it was what I wanted too, but he didn’t seem to be moving in that direction. I’d been through a lot in my long marriage and was not going to open myself for more pain. I’d learned that being alone is better than a lot of things. Obviously my Fiance figured it out and here I am 6 weeks from our wedding.

 

I’m very glad I didn’t propose to him…he had to be ready in his own time for it. Men seem to need to find their own time, but that doesn’t mean women have to hang around if it feels too long. You can make decisions about your own life. Next time he says/hints/jokes that he wants you to propose, flat out tell him you need to be on the receiving end of that question, so he’ll just have to man up and make that happen…or you might go find someone who will.

Post # 13
Member
5170 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Talk to him.

I am not sure why you are worried about him feeling “emasculated” or his buddies picking on him if you proposed. Clearly he has expressed he is not worried about it, and honestly, I feel a bit roll-eyey at idea someone would be emasculated as their partner expressed they wanted to marry them. Not every man gets emasculated by things like that (indeed, in a healthy relationship, the men I know feel incredibly happy about such things!), and if they do, I actually think they have a pretty weak sense of personal strength and awareness (and what masculinity is). I am pretty untraditional though. My husband was in the military too (as was I at one time, but long before he came into my life), and while he did end up asking me in rather spontaneous circumstances, he also said it was because I was taking too long to ask him. I know if I HAD asked him, he would not have felt emasculated, and could not have cared less (including his military buddies) about what others would have thought about it. As it is, our proposal is certainly not a traditional or overly romantic one, but it was incredibly meaningful and important to us. That is what was important!

So, this is the part that flags for me in your post. To me it sounds like you think you know better than him what he wants or needs. Not cool. He has told you he would not feel emasculated. He has told you he does not care what others think. Why don’t you believe him? You seem to be not really listening to what he is telling you, and are projecting how you think you would feel on him instead. I, and my husband, can both relate to your partner’s sentiments as we honestly do not care what others think about how we live our life, or look to others to validate our choices. Intead of imagining what you think he might feel, why don’t you listen to how he does feel?

Maybe he really DOES want you to propose. Not all girls dream of their proposal moment (I never did, since to me it was always something I felt should be more of a mutual decision), and not all men dream of proposing, and why should not men want to be proposed to, as well, for all the same reasons that many women find it important or want to be proposed to? Even if it is not traditional, it does not make it any less true for him, or any less meaningful or important, and it does not make “your” desire to be proposed too any more important either than his.

There is room for compromise here. Talk to him. Ask him if he is serious. You should be talking about marriage anyway to ensure you are on the same page, and this goes beyond talking about proposals. This is about getting past the “hints” and comments, and getting into the deep “why do we want to get married? what do we expect from marriage? what is important to us in a marriage relationship? how do plan to have a healthy marriage? As part of that, share with him how you feel it is important YOU also “receive” a proposal as it is something you have dreamed about. I have seen plenty of people arrange to EACH propose to the other. Heck, I asked my husband a few times AFTER he had asked me the first time (we both asked each other a few times, and still do despite being married!).  You can EACH propose to the other, if it is important to you.

 

 

Post # 15
Member
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

He said “Yep, just waiting on you!” and I totally laughed it off

 

That would be a great time to say something like, “Wow! So you know exactly how I feel!” Who’s going to break this standoff?  Oh and By The Way, it won’t be me honey – I’m not man enough!”

That should make it all clear, eh?

Post # 16
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

“Girls dream of the proposal.  They don’t dream of being the one to propose”

Speak for yourself, honey. Not every woman dreams of a man getting on one knee. Hell, if my Fiance hadn’t been the one to propose I’d have gladly done it. Even looked up ideas on how to do it. This isn’t 1950. Women propose to men all the time. It isn’t emasculating in any way and is actually quite romantic.

Rock on female proposers! 😀

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