(Closed) Struggle with fiance in wedding planning

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@cmdeibler:  

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@KsoontobeN:  So I just have a few suggestions, because just like you two ladies…I had such a difficult time getting my FH to care or even contribute to the wedding. However, after trying different approaches/things we (actually me) have found some things that work.

 

Few tips:

1. Remember that your FH is a MAN. This seems obvious, but honestly to most brides to be, we forget. Men could really care less about the details. My FH thought the ONLY thing he had to do was show up to the wedding and say I DO! ha! Are you kidding me? However, once I realized that he didn’t and wouldn’t care as much as me, I started picking and choosing details that I wanted to discuss with him… the venue, food, cake, music his attire, car rentals, etc. The other details…Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, flowers, etc. I talk about with friends/family. If he asks, I’ll tell, but there is NO POINT in stressing yourself about getting his advice, when honestly he probably doesn’t care and on your wedding day… he’ll be too focused on you to think about the flowers, Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, programs, and all of the other small details.

 

2. Explain to your FH that wedding planning is great preparation for your ACTUAL marriage in terms of communication. During the beginning of planning, I would have a screaming match (by myself because FH clearly wasn’t listening) about him not taking the wedding seriously and how it hurt my feelings. He didn’t get it! However, after I sat him down and told him that depending on HOW successful we are at planning this one day event may determine how we communicate during our marriage. For instance, I told him that in our marriage, we would have to agree on how to discipline our children, choosing a house, decorating, etc. If we could not both learn how to communicate with one another so that both parties are understood and no one’s feelings are hurt..then we were in for a rough ride. I also reminded him that a “happy wife= a happy life”.”lol. After this talk he saw the light and has made a more conscious decision to actually engage in wedding planning. Laughing

 

3. I would pick and choose your wedding day talks/activities wisely. I normally let Fiance know ahead of time when we need to do something wedding related (cake tasting) and the day before I give him a soft reminder/speech about why it is important. (Do you want to hear your mom complain about how disgusting our cake is? or do you want to spend this much money on a disgusting cake?)

 

Also, I would suggest choosing one day a week  that you set aside with him to focus on wedding stuff. For instance, my FH and I choose Sunday’s to get things done. He is willing to sacrifice this one day to focus on the wedding and it helps because (as he says) “I’m not bothering him with all of the details every day”

 

4. I could talk forever ladies! Sorry! Last thing, maybe you all could work on giving your FH a to-do list that you both agree on. My FH has to get all addresses for his family, find officiant, choose counselor, decide on guestbook, music, and honeymoon. Yes, my list is 10,000 times longer, but it’s something!

 

 I hope this helps!

Post # 18
Member
2119 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

SimplyKia‘s advice is great!

KsoontobeN  Thanks for the extra info- wow, only 4 months away! Congratulations on your upcoming wedding day! As others have said, some men really aren’t interested in the small details, but please don’t be upset or depressed about this… just remember it doesn’t mean he’s not interested in the wedding or interested in you!!! I’m sure he’s really excited about the wedding and has been fantisizing about is saying ‘I do’ and putting the ring on your finger a lot, but probably assumes all the little details are irrelevent/easily done :S Or perhaps he thinks by letting you choose everything you’ll be happiest on the day and has no idea how stressful that is!!

I’m sure you feel underappreciated and stressed out by it all, and this is only going to lead to more arguments with your Fiance so I would suggest getting your best friend,  mother, WHOEVER to share the burden with and to have fun planning with! Perhaps a friend who’s already married and wants the buzz of planning a wedding again!!

Post # 19
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My Fiance is the exact same way! Anything I do, he won’t give me an opinion, and if I make the decision myself he later freaks out because he hates it. He acts so uninterested too. I as well am a full time student, and with two volunteer jobs and an upcoming internship. I don’t think many guys understand how stressful wedding planning can be. We’ve been engaged for 6 months and I gave him 2 whole things to do since then, neither of which he has done. Oi…

I’m sorry you’re having problems with your Fiance. The best thing I can think of is sit him down and explain to him why this is so important, and how it involves him just as much as it does you. If he truly loves you he should understand at least. It may not completely change his attitude about it, but it’s always worth a try.

Post # 20
Member
1132 posts
Bumble bee

@KsoontobeN:  Hahahaha, this sounds exactly like me (I’m not a Pharmacy student but i’m a registered Pharmacist…go figure!)

I had this problem with my fiance and i just accepted that he doesn’t care about the colour of my Bridesmaid dresses or what sort of centerpeices we had but i played into what he was interested in. He is interested in planning the honeymoon, the cocktails and drinks and his bucks night so i don’t even bother with i, i just let him stress over that.

I honestly think it’s the best way to go. No matter how much you try and engage them, they just wont be interested in the small details.

Post # 21
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@KsoontobeN:  I had the same problem with my Fiance. Eventually, I sat down and told him how I felt and that I needed his respect and opinion. This is as much his big day as it is yours, so let him know you want it to be special for him, too. You’re going to be doing nearly everything together for the rest of your lives…might as well start now! Good luck, and congratulations! 🙂

Post # 22
Member
5183 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@KsoontobeN:  “Did he forget that HE was the one who asked??” Sure, he was the one who asked. He was the who asked you to be his wife, not get into Little details about the actual event. I went through the same thing with my husband. He wanted absolutely nothing to do with the wedding plans, not the food or venue or even the guest list. It was all up to me and our parents. He’d snap at me every time I requested his input. It was like “I told you I don’t want to be involved. I trust your judgment. How many times to i have to tell you that? Why do you keep nagging me!” I’ve come to realize it’s true. The little things that excite us as brides are more like Annoyances to them. I wouldn’t want someone consistently yapping in my ear when I’ve told them multiple times that I don’t care. Just roll with it. Maybe you can drop subtle hints to keep him in the loop, like leaving brochures on the table where he can see them. Don’t keep fighting about it though. It’s not worth risking you resenting each other.

Post # 23
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

This is what I did:  Come up with few options on the veune and reception places and let my Fiance to pick.  True, it take lots of time to do all the research and planning, but I find it is so much fun.  I picked what I like and give pro and con to Fiance, this way he feels he is involved in the process.  If he doesn’t have time to go through what you give him or he doesn’t care, then you just pick whatever that appealing to you the most.  I won’t bother him with little detail like flower, wedding favors, centerpiece…etc.  Men doesn’t care this kind of thing.  Remember that his lack of interests doesn’t mean he love you less or he doesn’t want to marry you, this is just simply not that important to him as it is to you. 

Post # 24
Member
4428 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@KsoontobeN:  aww I’m sorry your going Thur this (hugs) my FH and i went Thur something similar i would ask about dresses and other girlie things and he reminded me that hes a guy 8p so now i only talk to him about the other stuff i know he does not mind about like the cake tasting,venue, the caterer tasting ( he loved that one and and had a lot to say i let him pick the food) the honeymoon ; ) and i had him sign all the contracts with me so he would feel apart of things but other then that I’ve been taking care of everything with our wedding and we got into a few spats and finally he said all i want to know is what time to be waiting at the end of the isle for you ; ) all i want to do is make you my wife. so now i just do what i want with the wedding planning. i really wanted us to do it together but i have learned most wedding things are just not for guys ( unless there gay) and we get along much better with the wedding stuff. i also have had no help from my BMs or Maid/Matron of Honor they have school and work, kids so i cant blame them. try to include him in the things he takes an interest to regarding the wedding. like the food part lol men love food and sweets the rest is up to us that’s what the Bee is for to give our poor guys a break lol he loves you and wants to marry you. the wedding planning is not a mans thing (unless you man is David tutera) lol don’t doubt his commitment to marring you over the wedding planning.( i almost started to do the same thing) but also weddings are a lot of $$$ most men cant wait for the wedding to be over Caz of all the $$ being spent. my FH hates to spend $$ he cant wait for it to be over so we can start keeping $$ in our account again. calm down try to relax he loves you!

 

 

 

Post # 25
Member
3352 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

drives me nuts when someone contributes nothing, says they don’t like the decision, but doesn’t offer another option or a solution. nuts, I tell you.

Post # 26
Member
182 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Been there, and how. Hugs. This is tough one, but not abnormal (I think the suggestion above to go to counceling over this is a bit over the top).  My Fiance didn’t want to deal with details but wanted to have a final say before we paid for anything. I am like – really? I do all the work, you do nothing and then you reject what I like and again you do no work it’s up to me to come up with an alternative?  Fortunately his sister (my BM) talked some sense into him. We also practice appointments to discuss wedding stuff. It worked out well. Once we did a few major things (booked church, venue) from seeing how happy I was he also kinda got excited.  He also vastly overestimated how much his family would help with logistics, I am glad I wasn’t holding my breath on that one.   Bottom line – don’t talk about wedding all the time, schedule time for discussions, and write down important decions – like with the venue, for your collective memory and accountability. Good luck!

 

Post # 27
Member
4428 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

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@strawbs:  thats men lol were there Super Women lol we do everything and they have a comment about it and then have the nerve to forget all about when you asked there opinion?!?!  and were the crazy ones lol.

Post # 28
Member
4428 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

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@annabelle_lee:  i really like that set a time to talk about wedding stuff with the FH ; 0my FH sister had a talk with him too caz he was toOoO involved at first and he was driving me crazy.

but after she and his mother talked to him things have been great thank God!

Post # 29
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

This might help, if you can get him to have a single conversation with you without frustration:

I have an Fiance with very similar tendencies – I get much frustration, eye rolling, and “I don’t care”, but then suddenly he has a very strong opinion.  I was going to handle it by making a list (in Excel, but I’m a nerd) of things that needed deciding.  Then I was going to have him mark each one 1, 2, or 3 (or whatever), 1 being I don’t need to be involved, 2 being I want final approval over your choice only, and 3 being I want to be a part of the decision.  You can even do this verbally with him.  That way, when he says WHY DIDN’T YOU LET ME VOTE ON NAPKINS?? or “why are you bothering me with this??” you can say “we discussed this, and said you didn’t want in/you wanted final approval” and he really has no place to criticize you.  Not to say it won’t happen any way, but you will have concrete proof on your side.  :-p

That said, it turns out my Fiance is so solidaly in the “I don’t care” camp on ev-er-y-thing, so I’m just making all the decisions myself.  He didn’t have a real opinion on even the venue, even though he let me drag him out to the final two options.  I’m seeing the bright side as less conflict for us!  We just have to accept on some level that they don’t care as much as we do, and that’s fine.  There will be plenty of things for me to zone out as well.

Post # 30
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@KsoontobeN:  ya’ll need to talk and get on the same page, yes the wedding is only one day, but this could be an indicator of things to come, will he be like this with other things (kids and such)  talk talk talk!

Post # 31
Member
719 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

We’re all about the short lists over here. FH doesn’t want to sit and do a TON of stuff with me, but once I’ve narrowed down choices, he’s good to look a bit of this and a bit of that.

Example: I went ahead and put together a bunch of pictures of centrepiece inspirations that I liked, and then showed him. He picked from there a few that he liked, and told me what he didn’t. This worked because since it was a short list, I already liked everything anyway. Then I was able to go from there.

It’s stressful; it’s hard when you feel like you’re going it alone. I’ve had moments like that lately too, with our date approaching. At the end of it all, it won’t matter. I’m not willing to have this wedding planning wreck our relationship. It’ll all be fine.

(I know this is an old thread, but I’m sure other Bees will still find it helpful.)

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