Post # 31
No, a healthy baby is certainly fantastic but it’s not “all that matters.” Remember as the mama you are at least one third of the trifecta—mama, dad, bubs : )
I agree with PPs to not feel bad that your husband is doing so much. I think it’s great and in my anecdotal experience many men are actually grateful for an opportunity to contribute meaningfully. They couldn’t do much during the pregnancy so now it’s their chance to shine! I had an emergency C section too following an induction. Afterwards my husband said it was the feeling of helplessness that was the worst. Being able to pitch in feels much better.
Please take care of yourself and keep talking about your feelings. My C section was nowhere near as long and traumatic as yours, but as far as the feeling of disappointment that things went so far off the rails from the plan and the nagging feeling of “what if I held out a bit longer for vaginal birth” and already looking towards next time (“VBAC!!”)…I get these feelings. You’re not crazy or weird for having these feelings. Your mind just needs time to heal too same as your body.
Post # 32
I can unfortunately relate to all of the emotions and feelings you are battling. I had a failed and forced induction that resulted in an emergency cesarean after 4 hours of pushing in a 24 hour labor.
I will be honest, it takes a long time to wrap your head around. I personally dove into nursing my daughter as my redemption, it felt like the “One thing my body did right” since I felt like such a failure. I’m a pretty no-nonsense person and won’t allow anyone to give me the “Healthy baby is all that matter” schpiel. A healthy baby matters, but it defintely is not all that matters. In the early months post partum, I really dove into nursing and participated in La Leche League and local baby play groups. Seeing other moms and talking about it helped. I am now two years postpartum and am seeking a VBBAC next month, but it is not an easy decision.
I recently read and highly reccomend “Cut, Stapled, Mended” by Roanna Rosewood. I’m not a big reader but I have never related to a book quite that way before. Take care of yourself and do what you feel you need to. Talk to friends, family, providers. Sending love and hugs!
Post # 33
- Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017
Congratulations on the birth of your baby!!
I’ve not had a c-section myself but I wanted to chime in and say not to feel bad your husband has to do a lot. Even if you hadn’t had surgery you should be taking it easy regardless, giving birth no matter how it happens is a huge physical recovery and leaves you in pain, sore and achey, emotional and freaking exhausted. Your husband being active now will allow him to bond with the baby you’ve already been bonding for 9 months, so I’m glad he’s stepping up. Take this time to heal physically and mentally, soak in your newborn baby and accept and ask for help- you deserve it!
Post # 34
I went through a very similar thing with my first baby. I actually had an amazing start to labor and then she got stuck sunny side up at 9.5cm for over 4 hours, and I was having HORRIBLE back labor despite an epidural. So we went to c section, during which I had a bad uterine tear down to my vagina (my OB said she’d let me VBAC though as there’s really no data to say it wouldn’t be safe), and my daughter got cut with the scalpel on her arm.
For several weeks I felt tearful about the delivery. People kept saying “just be happy you and baby are healthy” which made me feel guilty. I honestly think it’s two separate things – I mourned the loss of a birth experience I so wanted, but of course I was thankful medical care could keep us both overall alive and well.
I think ink a big part of it for me was baby blues as now a year later I feel ok about my birth story. Having a c section doesn’t define me as a mother, and shouldn’t be considered a poor outcome.
Post # 35
camenae : gardunobee23 : MrsYoshida : newmombee :
thank you so much for the kind words. I feel like I’m coming out of the fog a bit- I think I was definitely having some baby blues, compounded by the c section recovery and catheter (which I was able to have removed much earlier than expected!!). I also read “cut stapled mended”- I read it in a day during feeding and naps. I couldn’t put it down! Thank you for the recommendation.
Post # 36
Hey just want to say thank you for putting this post out there, I wish I had had the courage to say that this was how I was feeling 13 weeks ago when I had my baby girl. These comments have been really helpful for me to read and I’m grateful for the positive and honest conversation that your post has started. I echo a lot of the previous posters comments so I won’t repeat but you’re definitely not alone. I found the debrief with my midwife about a month after really helpful (NHS offer it and a copy of your notes for free). I have to say that every Tuesday (the day she’s was born) for the first 10 weeks or so my husband and I would celebrate her birth (the normal ‘yay she’s six weeks old today’) but we’d also take time to talk about how we were both feeling about the ‘traumatic’ birth we had. 13 weeks on and after lots of honest conversations and crying, I’m feeling a lot better and barely think about my ‘failed birth’. Anyway I’m rambling, keep talking, you’re allowed to grieve for the birth you wanted but never had. Lots of love to you bee. Be kind to yourself xx
Post # 37
I’m so glad to hear that this was helpful
for you. This is a great community and you’re right- we’re not alone. I’m so sorry you had a difficult birth, but it’s also wonderful to hear that it’s getting easier to cope with.
What was your debrief like- what did they discuss with you? So far, I’ve had an incision check with the doctor who did my surgery. He’s a very kind person and I could tell he was also not happy about how things went for me, but we didn’t really talk in too much detail. I have a six week appointment with another doc in the practice, the one I originally liked the most but who ultimately gave me a hard time about wanting to push back my induction. I want to talk more about what happened but I don’t want to lose my cool.
Post # 38
Im from the UK and the debrief service through the NHS consists of a 1:1 meeting with a midwife who goes through your labour notes. It’s not the same midwife that I had during labour. She sat us down and read through what happened pretty much minute by minute. We could ask questions and she explained a lot of the reasons why I had to have an emergency c section. Unlike some PP I wasn’t induced, I went into spontaneous labour at 41 weeks and things were going really well (got to 10cm on gas and air). However the baby’s heart rate dipped so I had to get out of the pool and be monitored. The doctors then couldn’t agree how far dialted I was (one said 7cm, one said 8cm and one said 9cm). They took some samples from her head which came back poor. Plus there was meconnium in her waters. My body started pushing but I was only 9cm so wasn’t allowed. They gave me an epidural to reduce the pushing sensation but once her blood results came back they decided to do an emergency c section (she was born 9 minutes later!) I was put under a GA and felt so drugged when I woke up. My memories of the first 12 hours with her are so vague. But like a PP said, breastfeeding has felt like my redemption and has helped my bond with her. I’m moving around pretty much like normal now which is amazing. I remember not being able to laugh or cough. My husband had to help me sit up in bed, pass me the baby, and then put her down again. I had no confidence in my own ability as a new Mum and spent a long time feeling like a failure. I cried when i heard my friend had her baby naturally. But, in a way I feel like I got so far and I still went through the physical nature of labour I just didn’t actually push her out! I’m probably a stronger person now and my husband and I are probably stronger than we would have been if it had gone ‘smoothly’. I’m also starting to realise that everyone’s births have their downfalls, even the vaginal births. It’s taken a while to heal physically and emotionally and now all I am is grateful and accepting of my c section as otherwise my baby girl would not be here. I hope you can find some peace too. It’s definitely not a quick fix but the more you talk and understand what happened then the more you will heal.
Post # 39
Oh I’m sorry OP. Having to wear a catheter is really annoying and not at all what you expect. I wound up getting a hemmorhoid from pushing so hard and it was impossible to sit down for 2 weeks. Just enjoy your little one. Take care.