Post # 1
I’m a first time poster- so please be patient with me!
I recently ended a long-term serious relationship. In a nutshell, I was ready for an enagement and he wasn’t, and over time became very unclear about why not. About a month after the break up (we lived together for a few years), I find out why he hasn’t proposed and I understand…but, that’s not quite the issue I am having. What I am struggling with is the fact that while we were still together (living together and all) he met another woman through a volunteer organization that we both volunteer for. I was aware of her and knew that he had been communicating with him mainly because of the volunteer org. So, a week after they meet, we break up for other reasons and almost immediately it was like he was okay with everything. While I am at home crying my eyes out and heart broken, he seems fine. After about two weeks, I start snooping (wrong, I know) and discover text messages between the two of them. There were a lot of “I miss you’s” and “sweet dreams” and him calling her beautiful. I also discover that he had been going to her place a couple of times a week and I had no clue. BEST part, he had seen her the weekend we broke up! Of course, he denies all of this and says he only saw her at her place the first time they met and then he “ran into her” in an area of town that I know he doesn’t frequent. This goes on for a month and for the next few weeks, I notice that he calls her at night and only when he walks the dog. Granted, from beginning to end, this was a month..but that equaled to be about them seeing each other a couple of times a week. So, I’m aware now of what he’s up to but I don’t directly tell him..even though I suspect and tell him that I had a feeling something more was going on. The time comes and I move out and on the last day at the old place I go to get the last of my things and he breaks down emotionally..he’s not an emotional person, so this never happens. That made us closer again and we’ve been like that now for the past few months, but I still struggle with the reality of what he did with this other girl (again, he admits to nothing other than it was just a friendship). Granted, we were technically broken up when he started seeing her..but he started communicating with her while we were still together.
I am struggling on whether I should move on b/c I am afraid something like this will happen again, or if I should try and move past it and see if we can be happy together again.
On a recent and interesting note, I actually met her over the weekend as she was at an event we were at. The two of them clearly avoided each other, so two people were were “just friends” would have at least stopped to chat, wouldn’t one think?
Any words of wisdom?
Post # 3
He lied to you. And no, friends don’t ignore each other in a social situation if they are just friends. I would move on. I’m sorry.
ETA – the contents of those texts are not “friendly”, they are flirtatious and romantic. I don’t think I could ever trust him again.
Post # 4
Tell me why, if you have already had all of these problems with him, you would want to continue down that road? Things that are so obvious from the outside are more difficult to see while you’re “in love,” I know. But this is just blatant and obvious in so many ways that you need to move on. He sucks you back in, maybe out of comfort maybe because he really cares, but it’s clear that things aren’t working if “other reasons” are pointing to the clearest reason…. that he was having (at minimum) an emotional affair behind your back. That would be enough for me.
Post # 5
Do you have any proof that it was anything more than friendship? I would come clean about the “I miss you” texts that you saw
Post # 6
OP, don’t go back to him. I know its hard to move on, but its best for you. You deserve someone far better than him
Post # 7
Thanks for the responses, so far. I did come clean about the texts. He claims he knew I was snooping..yet allowed me to do it.
The only “proof” I have are the texts, a few emails I saw, and the fact that he would go out and say he was going somewhere, but then I’d read the texts and discover he was with her at that time.
Post # 8
@Rileys Mom: Did he admit, then, that he was lieing to you? Were the emails just as suspicious?
(For the record, you suspected him and snooped. I would have, also, with his blessing or not. Now you have the proof you need to make an informed decision rather than just trusting him when he says they were just friends; when obviously, they were NOT just friends.)
Post # 9
He says that things were so bad with us at home after the break-up that she was an “outlet” to talk to (though she had no clue about me) and that he needed to get out of the house. They texted/e-mailed daily, he would call her at night only and from my calculations so her about twice a week for 4 weeks. To that note, he still tells me that she was just a friend and that he was never physical with her or cared about her. Also, when I call him out on what he said in the texts, he acts dumb and then says that he was leading her on and she is the one that wanted more.
He is so tired of hearing about this from me, but I’m still struggling (obviously). I think that he was coming on too strong for her and she backed down, just the timing of it all is suspicious.
If age makes any difference here, he’s abou to turn 31.
Post # 10
Do you want a relationship where you feel compelled to snoop?
Does it matter whether he admits it if you know it and don’t trust him?
He didn’t want to move forward with you before, but now that he has been “caught” he does? That doesn’t make sense to me. If he doesn’t want to move forward, he just wants you back, then you would be changing your mind regarding moving forward/engagement for a man that rebounded VERY/TOO quickly when you broke up and a man you don’t exactly trust.
Post # 11
@Rileys Mom: This is the part I don’t understand. Men who need to find another woman as an “outlet”. If he truly loves you, he will confide in you. Even if that means he tells you something that you don’t want to hear like “I’m feeling confused about our relationship”. It’s a cop out excuse and I hate it. At 31, he should know something about treating someone with respect.
And why would he “lead her on”, then? In that case, he has no respect for any woman, period.
ANd calling her “beautiful” sure sounds to me like he wanted something from her in trade for those compliments, if you know what I mean.
If she shot him down and he ran back to you, I would slam the door on his face.
I’m sorry for the tough love but he shouldn’t be annoyed with you, he should bend over backwards to prove to you he loves you and wants to be with you. Men who get “annoyed” just know they are guilty and sick of trying to fix it because the woman is smarter than he is so they are trying to turn the tables and make you seem like an annoyance. Hugs to you.
Post # 13
At the very least, he was emotionally involved with this woman. All the calls and texts prove this. Whether or not he was physically cheating, who knows? I suspect so, but again, unless he confesses we won’t know. Honestly, I’d kick him to the curb. He lied to you many times and refuses to confess, even when confronted with the evidence. I don’t care how tough things were at home. That is not an excuse to call/text another woman. It’s just not.
Post # 14
No, I don’t want a relationship where I feel compelled to snoop. That is my fear right now, that I am always going to be questioning him and being “that” fiance or “that” wife who becomes controlling about who he sees and what he does. Prior to this, we had no issues like this and I never would have imagined him going to another woman.
He has admitted that it was a huge mistake and he wants us to work out (granted, we still have a few other issues, but this is my focus now). I just don’t see how someone can be with someone for as long as we were together and than BAM, start something up with someone else.
I am SOOOO very tempted to ask her about him and while I even met her over the weekend, I didn’t ask her anything, only inserted that we were dating when she met him, but didn’t elaborate.
I need the tough love, that’s why I am here! Also, we broke up in March, I moved out exactly a month later, and we’ve been seeing each other some, but I still struggle with it 4-5 months later.
Post # 15
Seems like if you give this man an inch he takes a mile.
Calling another woman while taking the dog out for a walk is not only a really low blow but extremely pre-mediated, in the sense that he took advantage of the situation knowing he would be alone and free.
Do yourself a favor and don’t fall into his emotional advances, I think you will have an extremely hard time trusting this man and considering how far he took it with another woman its not a good sign.
I know there are other Bees whom have grown from infidelity and stuck together, and they may be able to offer some awesome advice should you really feel you want to work it out!
Post # 16
I would think that this would still hurt if he had met her soon after we broke up, but the reality that he met her while we were together and then we happen to break up and he starts seeing her is heartwrenching. I tell him now that my fear is that we’ll argue and have bad times and that I am afraid he’ll go and find another “outlet”. I feel that he didn’t physically cheat on me, but I really feel that he’s not telling me exactly what went on with them, even to today, he tells me that it was “none of my business” because we were broken up.
Just so upsetting- we were together for years. He admits to the mistake, but hasn’t completely come clean about everything and that’s what I want.