- 5 years ago
- Wedding: December 2014
DH and I have been together for over 3 years and married for about 8 months. We did not live together before marriage mostly because he is in the military and could not move off base until we got married. He has always made me happy and I love him very much but we are in a hard place right now and I do not know what to do.
There are two issues that are really making me unhappy.
We have serious communication issues. I am a pretty sensitive person. My love language is Words of Affirmation; I place high value on DH’s words and I put a lot of thought into my words before I speak. DH says the first thing on his mind with no regard to my feelings no matter how many times I tell him it’s hurtful. We have had endless hurt feelings and arguments this year stemming from his words. I also have some body image issues which DH knows about. We were in the kitchen one night when DH asked me what I would “rate” his physical appearance on a scale 1-10. It was a silly question so I thought he was joking but he kept asking me. My answer was something along the lines of “You’re my 10, I think you’re perfect, I wouldn’t change anything about you.” In all honesty of course DH is not perfect but I think he is so handsome and perfect for me. After I told him my answer, he told me he would deduct 2 points from my scale. I had not asked him what my “rating” was so I was pretty surprised that he blurted that out. I asked him what was wrong with me that would make him deduct points and he noted my height. I’m 5’0 and he said “super hot” girls are tall. I later found out that the guys at work were “rating” each other’s wives which is what sparked this conversation. DH could not understand why I felt this was inappropriate or why his words hurt my feelings even though he knows about my body issues. This is just one example but when something like this happens DH says I twist his words or he says “I never said that”. When I try to tell him that he hurts my feelings he brushes me off and tells me I’m too sensitive. That’s his “out” every time. According to him he never says anything hurtful. I’m just too sensitive.
He is also really hard to talk to and anytime I try to tell him I’m upset about something he gets extremely defensive and turns it around on me. I can never say “Hey I’d really like this to change” without it turning into a huge fight.
Second, I am all about unwindiing alone and having my own hobbies; I go to dinner with my friends a few times every week and I also blog and create products for my Etsy. I definitely understand having hobbies that are important but all DH does is play his xbox. Before we got married he didn’t play. The first few months of living together he started playing for a few hours every week which was fine. A few months ago he bought a new game and now he is completely obsessed and he plays for hours and hours everyday. We do not even spend Friday nights together anymore unless I nag him not to play his game. He will come home and start playing around 5 and log off at 9. I feel like we don’t spend time together anymore and when we do, I have to ask or it’s late at night when he’s ready to watch TV. I’ve told him how I feel but he continues to play his game excessively.
I was initially attracted to DH because he was responsible and mature, he made me feel special and he made spending time with me a top priority. I feel like these things have changed since we got married and I don’t know how to deal with these changes. In addition to the above issues, DH has been on meds this year which have decreased his sex drive dramatically. We are having sex about 1/3 of what we were before we got married. He encourages me to still initiate but now he’s having trouble performing (he’s only 27). I just feel like we don’t connect anyone and everything is falling apart 🙁
I don’t really know what I’m looking for. I guess I just don’t know what to to. I just want us to have a successful, happy marriage and right now I feel like we’re failing.