(Closed) Struggling during my first year of marriage. Please help.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
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4055 posts
Honey bee

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sophie23:  Have you considered/would he be open to counseling?

Post # 3
Member
2170 posts
Buzzing bee

I would encourage you to seek couples counseling for both of you to learn how to communicate properly for the other person. If counseling is not an option, there are lots of books out that can help as well. 

You have to make sure he is just as willing and committed to working on your marriage as you are. If he doesn’t think anything is wrong, or refuses to change his behavior then it becomes a different situation. 

Does he know how unhappy you really are? 

Both of you will have to work on changing to make this marriage work. For example, you can work on not taking every word he says to heart since you know he doesn’t think before he speaks. He can work on thinking before he speaks. If you both do that, then the times he hurts your feelings with his words will be less. How exactly to do that, is for another person to say. 

I can completely relate to the gaming thing. My husband does this as well but will turn it off so we can watch movies together and have time with each other. I would try to be honest with him and again, come to a compromise. If he uses the gaming to decompress after work, come up with an amount of time that won’t bother you for him to play his game, and then the two of you get to have time together. Or it could be that you would rather him help you with dinner and have your time together earlier in the night, then he could play for however long before he goes to bed. I’m not a fan of saying he can’t ever play the game and should get rid of it. He works hard and deserves to do what he wants with his time off just as you do. But finding a way to compromise so you are both happy is essential. 

Can he see a dr about his meds explaining they are affecting his sex drive and he would like to try a different dosage/medication to see if that would help? 

Feeling like you aren’t connecting is important. Try to find ways and activites that will help you connect in your time together. Walking in the evening, or cuddling & making out might help while he works on getting his sex drive back. 

Again, its important that he is willing to admit there are things that need to be worked on in order for any of the issues to get better. I know a lot of guys don’t want to go to therapy so there are things you can try before getting to that. Its also how you bring things up, I think. Explain that you are feeling disconnected from him and that you love him so much and want to get that back. Don’t just start telling him he needs to play his game less, like a demand. Open the converstaion up saying “I feel that you are spending all of your free time playing that game and I would like us to find time to spend together reconnecting. What kind of suggestions or ideas do you have for us to be able to do that?” This is after you explain how unhappy you really are feeling. 

Sorry this response got so long. I am also in my first year of marriage and working through a lot of the same issues. I hope some of this helps, at least don’t feel so alone. Good luck, bee!

Post # 4
Member
6240 posts
Bee Keeper

Do you think you could show him what youve written here? Do you think it might help him understand how youre feeling? (You don’t have to tell him you’ve posted it online)

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Profile Photo UK-bee.
Post # 5
Member
1502 posts
Bumble bee

I am very similar to you in that I am very sensitive to words and my DH is not.  I had similar issues as you with my DH, esp since he grew up in a family of people with very thick skin and my DH is a very masculine guy so being “sensitive” with emotions is not his forte.

One of the best advice I can give you is, you need to stop telling him every single time he says something insensitive that he was wrong to say that and that it hurts your feelings (i.e. putting the blame on him).  Instead keep your communication very simple like, “Ouch that really stings. I feel terrible with what I just heard” and see what he says.  If he says, “Well that’s just how you’re taking it” then flip it around and ask him (in as calm and neutral tone as possible), “Well babe I know you didn’t mean to hurt me.  But how would you like it if I told you I think you only rate as a 6 (make it lower than what he rated you) because you’re not that tall, you have a gut, your posture isn’t great, and you’re not that athletic/active.  True hot guys always have all of the above.  How would that make you feel if I said that to you?”   The point is, don’t make him wrong by blaming him and making it about how sensitive your feelings are (he will only get defensive and then become exasperated that you are “too sensitive”)  but instead create a scenario where he feels how bad it is to be at the receiving end of his carelessness.

I have used this “mirroring” technique on my DH all the time and it works like a charm.  He used to say the exact same things as your DH and used to never understand how much it hurts to be at the other end of his insensitive comments.  So these days, I don’t get upset or “cry” to him and have discussions about what a insensitive jerk he is.  I instead use the tactic I gave above.  What really works with my DH is you have to make your “mirroring” more worse than what he says to you (since their hurt feeling threshold is higher).  So if your DH said you’re only an “8” then tell him he’s only a “6” and point out his flaws that he’s sensitive about.

I’m definitely not trying to say go “tit for tat.”  But what you’re trying to do here is to flip the situation around so that they experience “what it’s like to be in your shoes.”  But do this in as neutral calm voice as possible otherwise he’s going to feel like you’re attacking him and now he has to one-up you.  Also, I always phrase my sentence with “Honey I know you didn’t mean to be mean/hurt my feelings, but how would you like it if I said/did ______________ (fill in the blank) to you?”

Post # 6
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

 I agree with 

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UK-bee:   If he were to read this, it may help him. Catch him when he is in a pleasant mood and say that you’ve been having a lot of trouble lately and feel like you aren’t being heard so you wrote down as if you were telling someone and would like him to read it. Don’t question him about it, don’t talk about it right after if he doesn’t want to -just let him read it and absorb it. If my husband wrote something like that it would make me shape up right away. 

Post # 7
Member
1071 posts
Bumble bee

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sophie23:  My advice is counseling. Military One Source will give you 12 free sessions. 

Post # 8
Member
3313 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

So in my opinion men in general don’t think before they speak. Where as some do more so. I think you need to seek couples counselling, plan to get a night a week as a date night where you have no mobile on, tv on unless you are watching a okanbedvin movie. No PC and xbox. They bath together, curl up in bed ect or go out to eat . I also think you need to set a side a night when you find a hobby or class to do together. Plus you just need to learn when to ignore him and when to fel upset as his words aren’t ment or spoken with malicious intent. When I got married my husband said stuff about my size just without thinking and it would kill me. But over time I just got use to it as him saying he loves my body and it was me being over sensitive insecure ect.

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sophie23:  

Post # 9
Member
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Okay, my response is probably not going to be the most popular, but here I go nonetheless:

You do sound extremely sensitive, ridiculously so in fact, to the point that I doubt I could ever be friends with you – you’d drive me crazy.  I would feel like I was walking on eggshells around you anytime I opened my mouth.  And if for whatever reason we ended up living together – as college roommates or something like that, perhaps – I would avoid talking to you by going keeping myself occupied, whether by playing games, reading, “working” on the computer, or whatever.  My guess is that is what your husband is doing too.

I think your marriage is in serious trouble – neither of you are happy, and he seems to have given up trying.  I think you should get into individual therapy to work on your sensitivity / insecurity issues, and you both should get into marriage counseling ASAP.   You have to realize that the world is not going to tip-toe around you to avoid hurting your feelings.  Your husband may try (or he may not – I wouldn’t), but his friends, and your friends, and the rest of the world simply won’t.  And the sooner you start to deal with the reality the better.

(I am also quite sure that these same issues were present before you got married, but for whatever reason you ignored them or told yourself they would get better.  But I guess that is a moot point now.)

Post # 10
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2005 - A Castle

I tend to agree with MelissainNC on certain points. You both sound a tad on the immature side. I know because I was you 10 years ago. My husband (also military) is blunt. He rarely sugarcoats things and for someone with a sensitive side, it comes off as mean. I won’t say I learned to live with it, however, as time went on, I became more confident in myself. That confidence allows me to process the things he says as truth or allows me to roll my eyes at his comments and move on with life. 

I also don’t think this is new behavior. It’s just more evident now that the wedding and all the planning that keeps your mind occupied is no longer there. 

Edit to add: we did go to counseling after his first tour overseas. It helped because he was able to hear things from a nonbiased third party about his behavior. I could tell him until I was blue in the face, but when he heard it from someone else, that’s when he realized. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  dracarys.
Post # 11
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

It sounds like your husband has gotten comfortable and selfish. He’s not trying to keep you anymore, not going out of his way to cherish you. But it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, just that he’s grown a bit lazy. I think marriage counseling could really help you both. You could learn some tips and tricks for becoming a bit less sensitive, and tips like Shina’s for communicating your feelings to your husband in a way that doesn’t immediately make him feel defensive and dismissive. Likewise, hopefully hearing from an objective, outside party that he needs to be less defensive, less dismissive, and less diminishing, and that he won’t have a quality relationship without putting quality time into it will help your man be a better husband. The person to go to about your husband’s ED is your medical doctor – his meds may need adjusting. If your husband is not willing to talk to his doctor about this, again, maybe hearing how important sex can be for a relationship from an objective party like a relationship counselor will convince him that seeing a doctor for his ED is important for your marriage.

Post # 12
Member
262 posts
Helper bee

 

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MelissainNC:  I feel like there is a logical disconnect here. You said you didn’t think your response would be the most popular, implying that you believed the majority of people would disagree with you. But you went on to say that you were like her husband and thought the OP was the problem and was too sensitive. So, if most people disagree with you, and your perspective is that the way you and her husband are is not a problem, it stands to reason that you are aware most people do see that level of bluntness as problematic. So, is it possible that OP in not too sensitive, but that both you and OP’s husband are too insensitive? 

My opinion is that there’s likely responsibility on both ends, like in most relationships. A good counselor can help. Working on OP’s issues can help. But pointing out that you wouldn’t be friends with the OP just seems mean to me.

Post # 13
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 10, 2016

I agree with the comments about seeing a counselor, but I just want to add in that a red flag popped up for me when you said that he will make hurtful comments and then later deny that he said them. That’s called gaslighting, and it’s an abuse tactic. I definitely think that needs to be addressed right away, preferably with a professional counselor. 

As for being sensitive– some people are. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and nothing you have to try to “fix.” If he isn’t willing to consider your feelings before he talks, then he isn’t being a good partner. Relationships are all about compromise and communication. He’s got to put in some more effort and stop denying his hurtful behavior.

Post # 14
Member
1832 posts
Buzzing bee

If I could, I’d just reach out and give you a big mom bear hug. My DD has said a few of these same things!

She is married to a Sergeant First Class in the Army, and her mama (me) retired as a Sergeant First Class in the Army.

I was a single mom with 2 little girls so no Army stuff ever came home with me. It was all about girly stuff and being mom. Her DH (who is a seriously awesome guy) is 40 and first went into the military when he was probably 19 or so. She was used to coming home to a place where mom talked civilian and now she has a husband who drives down the highway looking for exit 4 Alpha or 13 Bravo. He has never known much else as an adult besides the military and didn’t realize that he needs to come out of that world when he hits the front door. I know they have made strides there, but I keep my nose to myself.

First off – grab those 12 sessions from Military One.

One of the biggest things that jumps off the screen at me is that he is only 27 and having problems sexually. I can guarantee he isn’t confiding in a work buddy about that one. He is trying to deal with something that is so critical in men and to be his age and having difficulty makes me wonder if he isn’t using the xbox to hide from you even more.

Marriage is a tough transisition. Military life is a tough transition. Call Military One asap as I truly believe that is the gateway to getting some help for both of you.

FWIW – SIL also has an xbox and DD is a fulltime student. He only plays if she is studying – otherwise they have an agreement that it is family time. Please make that call today!

Post # 15
Member
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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Soph45:  To clarify – The only way I am like her husband is in my inability to tolerate overly sensitive people.  I would not have ranked my FI’s looks with my friends, and I would not tell my Fiance that I would take points off for his height (he’s only 5’8″).  I do not think that I am like her husband, and I didn’t say I was.  

Having said that, if my Fiance ranked my looks, and decided I was an 8 because he had to take off 2 points due to my height, my response would have been to say something like “Hey – I’ll take an 8 – that’s far prettier than most non-models out there!  And I’m fun-size!  At least I can wear heals without being taller than you!”

The reason I knew my response would not be popular is because I have found that, for whatever reason (and I have my theories but I won’t bother going there now), on this site many of the women tend to be far more sensitive than the vast majority of women I know in real life. 

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