- 4 years ago
- Wedding: December 1969
Okay, so this is going to be kind of long… but please bare with me…
My boyfriend and I have been “dating” since the middle of March 2014 and we officially became “exclusive” in April 2014. So, we have not been together a crazy long time… but we have this amazing connection that makes it feel like we have been together for years…
As always, my curiosity got the best of me early on when I asked him how many partners he has had.. or how many girls he has had sex with… Yes, quite a bold and personal question… but I was curious and well… I was not quite prepared with the answer. Which, I should have been if I was to ask such a question. His answer was 13 girls/woman… they were all relationships… some long and some short… At first this didn’t bother me, but it started eating away at me later on… as I will get to that here in a little bit…
We became closer and my curiosity got the best of me once again… we had a “pregnancy scare” and of course, I was freaking out. I lashed out at him saying, “You have no idea how this feels” or something dramatic like that… and he replied back saying, “Yes, I do.” Of course, in my distress I had him explain to me what exactly had happened… He said that this particular girlfriend found out she was pregnant two months after it happened but wanted an abortion… he helped pay for it because it was what his mother wanted him to do. She did not want him to have a baby with this girl, nor did he but he would have been fine if she had had it also. He claimed that he didn’t even think it was his because he thought she was cheating on him especially since after they broke up she immediately was in a relationship with a new guy.
Onto another sore subject, out of 13 relationships he ended up “cheating” on one of his girlfriend’s by kissing another girl while he was drunk at the bar. Later that night, he broke up with her because of the guilt. This girl, according to him, was an emotional train wreck. She lied to him about being pregnant when she found out later that she was not even able to conceive children. He was unhappy and tried to break the relationship off prior to all of this, but she always convinced him to stay. I will admit, I was a little hesitant with this one because I did not want him to cheat on me and I do NOT believe in “once a cheater always a cheater” so, I have no doubts that he would cheat on me.
Anyway, all of this was brought up at different times in our relationship. I was out of town for a month of it due to family emergencies our of the state. That is when I started feeling really depressed about how many girls he had been with. Although they were all relationships, I still felt this depressed feeling. My current boyfriend was not my first, but he was my second. I have had vaginal sex with two guys and messed around with a total of three guys… two of them being my ex and current boyfriend and one being a weird fling… which is another long story in itself… In addition to that, I cannot say I was a complete saint. I felt sex was such a precious thing that I didn’t want to just have sex with anyone, so I turned to the Internet to fulfill my sexual needs without having sex… so, if I were to include the “cybersex” – which sounds really creepy for me to see it typed out – would be around the total of 13-15 different guys. My current boyfriend is bothered by this, but he accepts all of me for who I am now and not what I did back then.
My boyfriend and I grew up in very different households. I was raised in a great home. My parents were and still married… I had a baby brother…. we had a good Christian background, etc… on the otherhand, my boyfriend was raised in a divorced home (his mother cheated on his father), his mother had an abortion previous to his older brother, and he just recently found out he has a half-sister from his father and another women when they were dating back in high school. His dad was kind of physically and emotionally abusive to him and his brother and his mom was never really around too often to raise them. So, they were kind of left to their own devices on figuring out life.
So, here is my dilemma. I need some serious advice in all aspects of my issues… I say “my” because he cannot change his past and nor can I. We both regret the decisions we made and he even told me today at lunch that if he could go back in time he would find me sooner before everything had happened. I love this man with all my heart, and I know that he loves me. He fights for me everyday… claims that all of his other relationships were nothing compared to what we share… I know he is being sincere and I know he has changed from his past. He regrets many things, especially since he realizes how much his past hurts me. Which is sometimes hard for him to understand because he hasn’t really done anything in the present for me to distrust him, or feel indifferently towards him it is just his past is eating me alive.
First of all, I feel our sexual pasts are significantly uneven… he has had sex with 13 girls while I have only had sex with 2 guys… I didn’t have sex till I was 21 while he was having sex at the age of 15! Crazy. I feel insecure, angry, depressesed, disappointed, etc when I think about it… I try not to think about it, but something always seems to trigger the thoughts and then it just webs out from there.
Secondly, he has already been through a “partial” pregnancy with someone else… until she got an abortion. So, I believe it was most likely his, but there is a chance that it wasn’t. However, we just found out in August that we were pregnant. I was a mix of emotions.. excitment, scared, depressed… I felt like this is a moment that you experience with someone for the first time and I felt saddened that it was a first for me and not for him… he tries reassuring me that this was a completely different situation. He actually wants to have a family with me and be married one day and that past girlfriend was someone he did not want that with.
Thirdly, his “infidelity.” This one is slowly starting to bother me less because of the circumstances and the fact that he had only kissed her. If it had went any farther than that then we probably would not be together at this moment. He deeply regrets it. He went through that when his parents divorced and had been cheated in several times by different girlfriends prior. I know he has no intentions of cheating on me nor wants to ever cheat on anyone ever again. He knows how much it hurts and he realized how much it hurts someone else and how guilty he felt and he wanted no part in it ever again.
Lastly, I just found out tonight that he had lived with a girlfriend for about a month because he wanted to move out and away from his mother but he hated living with this girl so he moved out. He told me that it was for a short period of time and that they had separate bedrooms (no clue why.) This hurt because this would be another “first” for us because he already experienced it with someone else and I hadn’t. Even though it was short lived, it still hurt me. He tried to reassure me again telling me that this would be different. He wants a family with me, and our own place, with our own bed and to be together in one room, etc.
His past was way before he met me. We are still pretty young though. I am 22 and he is 24. I just feel so bombarded with all these thoughts and emotions. I hate making him feel bad for his past because it is obvious that he regrets a lot of it, especially since he knows how much it affects and hurts me. I know some things I may be being a little over dramatic because I tend to over think many things, but sometimes it just gets hard and I wish my mind would rest. He has a pretty extensive past, but if you take it all away he is a wonderful, changed man. He loves me more than words could ever describe. We had a sonogram today, and the whole room lit up when he smiled when he saw our baby for the first time (man, he was so excited. He had been waiting for this day for a while.) You would think that would be enough to stop hurting, but this hurts like a bitch. Some days are good and some days are so, so bad. He tries hard to reassure me and is willing to whatever it takes to make our relationship work. We are looking into counseling, but until then… any advice?