(Closed) Struggling over boyfriend's past….

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 78
719 posts
Busy bee


ClaudiaKishi:  So having standards = smug, got it.  The appropriate way to avoid my smug is to skip to the next comment.  As for me rugging my smug all over you and others, you are neither the OP nor bbbria, so I don’t know what my smug has to do with you unless I hit a bit too close to home.

 XOSMarieOX:  Thank you for thanking me for my contribution of the values mismatch point.  All the best and good luck to you.

Post # 79
594 posts
Busy bee

XOSMarieOX:  The cheating would be the the only thing that’s an issue for me – if my partner had ever cheated on anyone, it would be a dealbreaker. “Cheating and beating” are my only two absolute no-no’s. The other things, though? I don’t see the problem. How many sex partners (and what acts they did) your boyfriend had has nothing to do with you, and says nothing about his feelings for you. I’m 23 and have the same number of past sex partners as your boyfriend. My partner 10 years older, so he has about twice as many past partners as I do. It has no bearing on our relationship.

Post # 81
1842 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

XOSMarieOX:  It might not be his first pregnancy, but your situation is completely different than his previous situation!  They weren’t right for each other, weren’t mature enough, etc.  It was probably a lot more scary when they found out she was pregnant than it was exciting (as I assume it is for him now!).  Having a baby with someone you love and plan to spend the rest of your life with is NOTHING like having an accidental pregnancy with someone you don’t see a future with!  Besides, he never got to see the baby being born, never saw it take its first steps, hear its first words, etc.  All of that is still new for both of you to experience together.

Post # 82
4242 posts
Honey bee

jamb:  You can think that if it makes you feel better 🙂

Post # 83
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

XOSMarieOX:  Well, for starters, I never said you weren’t ready to bring a child into the world because of your age. If you go back and read what I posted, you will see that I said you are not EMOTIONALLY MATURE enough and don’t have a grasp on the realities of life, common sense and relationships.

Your response is very defensive and it shows very much how emotionally immature you are. I don’t think it’s unrealistic for a 22 year old to have a child. I DO think that someone who will feel “insecure, angry, depressed, disappointed, etc” over someone else’s past is not in a place in their life to be able to competently be responsible for another life.

Also, the emphasis you place on the “firsts” in your lives is ridiculous. How are you going to react if your child takes his/her first step in front of him and not you? How will you feel if he gets to experience the first word and you’re not there?

I never insinuated that you would pit the child against each other. I never said that the child would be the reason your relationship wouldn’t work out. It sounds like he would, in fact, be a good father and I’m sure he’ll do whatever it takes for the child to have a great life. You, on the other hand, are the one who needs to ground yourself and see that not everything in the world happens just to hurt your feelings.

I hope everything works out for you two and I hope that starting a family together will help you see what’s important so that you can focus on your love and life together. Best of luck!

Post # 84
719 posts
Busy bee

ClaudiaKishi: And you’re still making sarcastic comments because I offered up a perspective that differed from the majority. That’s the point of a discussion forum, for people to offer perspectives for the OP’s consideration. Flaming people with sarcastic comments about high horses and smug because you didn’t like what they had to say is not. Let’s translate this to real life, in real life, if we encounter someone who looks different or has a different opinion and we’re mean to them, that’s called bullying, that’s called discrimination. Please stick to offering your own perspective and stop commenting on mine.

Post # 85
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

XOSMarieOX:  This is a expectation vs reality problem. You are 22 yo, that means you have spent most of your life with an idea of what a perfect life would look like. As you get older, you have many, many situations that butt up against “what I think it should be” vs “How it really is”. Over time you learn how to get over your expectations or really examine them to see if they are realistic for you or not. 

So for the PP who having certain sexual morals from the time she and her partner were sexual beings (ie teenagers) until meeting each other was/is very important. For her her expectations were so important that she has decided that anyone who has a past or has made mistakes isn’t for her. 

What  you are finding is that your expectations of finding someone who is similar to you (notice how all your issues have to do with how his life experiences are different from yours) isn’t quite panning out. You developed these expectations as a way to protect yourself. If I find someone who is from a good family, who didnt sleep around much, who has never lived with someone else, who has never been pregnant before…then I will have a safe partner who will never (hurt me, leave me, insert whatever fear you have). 

What you need to do (and therapy will help you do this) is explore what you unconcious expectations are. Then you drill down and figure out why they are so important to you. Then you decided if that importance is justified or not. If it is, then you only date/marry people that have that, if not you let it go.

So as an example–My expectation was–I will never, ever, ever date a smoker–EVER. My Grandfather and Grandmother  died of smoking related diseases. This was an expectation of mine. I only ever kissed one guy who smoked and it was gross, so never, ever, ever.

Then I saw a cute boy on OKCupid who smoked. I had a dilemma (my expectation vs the reality), do I contact him since I never, ever want to date a smoker. Well he was too cute and totally my type and it’s not like on-line dating ever works. So we went out, and 2 years later got married and just celebrated our 4 year anniversary. So yeah, I hated that he smoked. And we created rules so I never had to see him smoke. He eventually quit, but relapsed and quit again and relapsed and quit again. 

But I had to examine my expectations. 1) I hated the way they smelled. So we put things in place so to minimize that. 2) I am worried about losing him to smoking related diseases. Well I had a choice, never have a great wonderful guy in my life for fear of losing him *someday*. Or accept him in my life even if that means I lose him early.

You have the same choice–either accept him as he is and understand his past is what made him into who he is today. Or not accept him and walk away…

Post # 86
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015


XOSMarieOX:  I dont mean this to make you feel bad about yourself but you said you waited until 21 and are now 22 and slept with two people. He had sex at 15 and is now 24 and slept with 13.. you might find it bad but if he would have followed the same timeframe as you did then he would be at 18.. As for his upbringing, he chooses how he lets that affect him. You can meet a guy with a perfect past and they could be faithful or still cheat on you and you can meet a guy with a bad past and they could be faithful or they could still cheat on you. Nothing is 100% certain and it never will be and A+B does not always equal C in relationships. I think its good that you guys are honest with each other and I think by him being honest that it shows how invested he is with you

Post # 89
2509 posts
Sugar bee

XOSMarieOX:  It’s seems like you’re most upset that all these new and exciting experiences are your first, not his, and it makes you feel like he would be less excited or something.

1. It is not uncommon for young men, especially from an abusive home, to have multiple partners or even seek comfort in sex. I had a male friend who was like this.

2. Moving in with a girlfriend he hates for a couple months to escape an abusive home is not the same as moving in with someone you love and want to be with.

3. Having a baby with your wife/gf/fiance and starting a family is a completely different feeling and experience than having an accidental pregnancy that neither of you want and choose to terminate.

Cut him some slack and believe him when he tells you that, even though it’s not *technically* his first time experiencing this, he DOES feel different.

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