(Closed) Struggling over boyfriend's past….

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 92
Member
719 posts
Busy bee

 

XOSMarieOX:  I did not claim to have self-respect, implying that you do not.  I just re-read my comments to be sure.  I used the word respect once to say that I would not respect a guy with a complicated past. 

I see nothing wrong with the tone of my original comment.  I see everything wrong with the tone of the sarcastic remarks that I received in reply, granted from only 2 people, but nevertheless.

Post # 93
Member
2121 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Coming from someone who is a flip flopped version of you (I have had way more partners than my fiance – 11 vs 1), please please please try to move past it. The numbers, the “experiences”, everything. It’s not worth it to dwell on past relationships – everyone has them, and getting hung up on them does neither of you any good. Luckily my Fiance did not have a problem with my past, nor did I have a problem with his relative lack of a past. Everyone is lopsided. All his past experiences have made him into the man you feel you click with now.

Post # 94
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

XOSMarieOX:  

Personallt, make like Frozen and Let it Gooooooo. My Boyfriend or Best Friend has had 15 times the number of partners that I have. He’s been engaged, he’s lived with a girlfriend who was not his former fiancé, he funded an abortion for a one night stand because he knew that she couldn’t afford one and it would ruin her life even though he was about 95% sure it wasn’t his baby. He wasn’t faithful and he’s broken more than a few hearts. 

But if I would have seen all of those things and run I would be missing out on so many things. My partner who stands beside me no matter what, who picks me up when I am down, who kisses my forehead at 5:30 every single morning before he goes out and works long hours in the heat and bitter cold to help provide for myself and my son, who helps with homework, who folds the laundry because I hate that part, who keeps me warm in our bed at night, who cuddles and watches sports with me, who has been my backbone when I was sure I didn’t have one anymore. He’s not perfect. Neither am I. Our relationship isn’t perfect. But it’s ours. And no matter what happened before he’s here with me now and he’s committed to me. If we get married it will be our first wedding, our first house we purchased together and if we are lucky our first pregnancy we have together. I’ve got a child. But if it happens watching my husband and my son hold our child will be without a doubt one of the happiest moments of my life. 

It is all in how you look at it. Chin up, have some ice cream (pregnant eating is guilt free) and cherish the moments you have together. 

Post # 96
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

 

XOSMarieOX:  Why does the previous pregnancy bother you? Let’s dive deeper into that. “Because I’m not the first” Does that mean that only the first is special? You werent the first person he watched a movie with either, so does that mean every movie watching experience isn’t special? What about having a 2nd kid with him. Well, you can just tell the kid, “Sorry, just get used to the fact that you are the 2nd kid and just aren’t as special as the first, since the first is the only one that is special and is just better than you”

The cheating can be a concern, but it’s not like he is a serial cheater. He made a mistake, we all make mistakes. The fear is that since he cheated once, he might be more likely to cheat again. I think that in cases of non-serial cheaters, there is just as much a chance for a person who as never cheated to cheat as it is for a person who has cheated once to cheat. 

You have to make peace with the fact that there is a chance he will cheat. Not because there is anything wrong with him, just that he is human and we ALL have a chance that we will cheat–yes, even you. If being with someone who might cheat is so devestating to you, then you shouldn’t be with anyone. You don’t deal with the fear of cheating by having “proof” that they won’t cheat. You get over the fear by realizing that even if they do cheat, you will survive. 

Post # 99
Member
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

XOSMarieOX:  Its hardly his second pregnancy, he got someone pregnant.. They had an abortion. Your the first pregnancy, she was the first abortion. I fail to see how this would be bothersome.

People have pasts, if the complexity of this is causing you so much upset, you need to seek therapy or cut ties.

Post # 101
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

XOSMarieOX:  To give you a visual and hopefully a giggle… When I get upset about something silly my 6 yo DS and my 6 foot 2, 220, hairy, bearded, jeans and hoodie wearing boyfriend pretend skate around our house singing let it go.

As far as the ice cream I’m very jealous. Enjoy it!

Post # 104
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

XOSMarieOX:  My Fiance lived a long time with his ex.

NEVER in my whole life it ever crossed my mind ‘oh he has lived with someone before and i have not, must be not special to him’. I know he had several relationships – might be 4-5 (Im guessing) and he’s my firstest man ever. We have been together 11 years now – like one and only tue love. :o) I know eveything with me was different and new to him – the house, the dating, everything.

 He is with you and not with them for a reason.

‘the past is in the past’ ( Another Frozen fan, here! 🙂

Post # 105
Member
2510 posts
Sugar bee

XOSMarieOX:  I can see how those thoughts would pop up in a new-ish relationship.

1 – Am I special to him? Do I satisfy him enough? Would he had been better off with one of his exes? Does he think about them often? Etc. His exes are his exes for a reason. If he’s like most people, he probably doesn’t WANT to think about them.

2 – Is he excited about being pregnant with me? Was he glad that I didn’t have an abortion like his ex? Is he happier in this circumstance than in the past? Ask him! You’re having a baby together, you can have these serious discussions. Encourage him to be genuine with his feelings without getting upset. For example, it’s normal to be scared or nervous about your first baby rather than over-the-moon.<br />

3 – I know marriage has come up for both of us in our past? Is this real for him too? Am I the one he wants to spend his life wit is he just saying that to make me feel better? Am I different to him compared to the others? Do I stand out to him in such a larger crowd? This is only something you two will be able to decide together. Does he make you happy? Does he make you feel special? Do you reciprocate?

 

Even if some of his experiences aren’t new they’re new WITH YOU! That makes them special! Enjoy them!

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