Post # 91
Sara1923: You are completely right. I think I try to make the equation perfect, when obviously that is not how it will or ever be. He reassures me that he would never do that to me or anyone else again. He said he felt horrible for it and it took a toll on him considering he ended it that night/morning when he could have kept it going. However, I think the relationship was over and since she always convinced him to stay he used cheating as a way/excuse to get out of it (which is wrong, but still.) She still wanted to be with him after the fact and after her lying about being pregnant when she wasn’t.
He is definitely honest. He told me that if I ask, he will tell me. But now he is being more cautious because of the issues that are arising with the questions that are being asked. Not like he is trying to hide it, I think he is just afraid of the answers hurting me even though they are honest.
Post # 92
XOSMarieOX: I did not claim to have self-respect, implying that you do not. I just re-read my comments to be sure. I used the word respect once to say that I would not respect a guy with a complicated past.
I see nothing wrong with the tone of my original comment. I see everything wrong with the tone of the sarcastic remarks that I received in reply, granted from only 2 people, but nevertheless.
Post # 93
Coming from someone who is a flip flopped version of you (I have had way more partners than my fiance – 11 vs 1), please please please try to move past it. The numbers, the “experiences”, everything. It’s not worth it to dwell on past relationships – everyone has them, and getting hung up on them does neither of you any good. Luckily my Fiance did not have a problem with my past, nor did I have a problem with his relative lack of a past. Everyone is lopsided. All his past experiences have made him into the man you feel you click with now.
Post # 94
Personallt, make like Frozen and Let it Gooooooo. My Boyfriend or Best Friend has had 15 times the number of partners that I have. He’s been engaged, he’s lived with a girlfriend who was not his former fiancé, he funded an abortion for a one night stand because he knew that she couldn’t afford one and it would ruin her life even though he was about 95% sure it wasn’t his baby. He wasn’t faithful and he’s broken more than a few hearts.
But if I would have seen all of those things and run I would be missing out on so many things. My partner who stands beside me no matter what, who picks me up when I am down, who kisses my forehead at 5:30 every single morning before he goes out and works long hours in the heat and bitter cold to help provide for myself and my son, who helps with homework, who folds the laundry because I hate that part, who keeps me warm in our bed at night, who cuddles and watches sports with me, who has been my backbone when I was sure I didn’t have one anymore. He’s not perfect. Neither am I. Our relationship isn’t perfect. But it’s ours. And no matter what happened before he’s here with me now and he’s committed to me. If we get married it will be our first wedding, our first house we purchased together and if we are lucky our first pregnancy we have together. I’ve got a child. But if it happens watching my husband and my son hold our child will be without a doubt one of the happiest moments of my life.
It is all in how you look at it. Chin up, have some ice cream (pregnant eating is guilt free) and cherish the moments you have together.
Post # 95
playdohpants: Thank you! I think I constantly am over thinking about all of the situations.
1 – Am I special to him? Do I satisfy him enough? Would he had been better off with one of his exes? Does he think about them often? Etc.
2 – Is he excited about being pregnant with me? Was he glad that I didn’t have an abortion like his ex? Is he happier in this circumstance than in the past?
3 – I know marriage has come up for both of us in our past? Is this real for him too? Am I the one he wants to spend his life wit is he just saying that to make me feel better? Am I different to him compared to the others? Do I stand out to him in such a larger crowd?
Those are just the few thoughts.
Post # 96
XOSMarieOX: Why does the previous pregnancy bother you? Let’s dive deeper into that. “Because I’m not the first” Does that mean that only the first is special? You werent the first person he watched a movie with either, so does that mean every movie watching experience isn’t special? What about having a 2nd kid with him. Well, you can just tell the kid, “Sorry, just get used to the fact that you are the 2nd kid and just aren’t as special as the first, since the first is the only one that is special and is just better than you”
The cheating can be a concern, but it’s not like he is a serial cheater. He made a mistake, we all make mistakes. The fear is that since he cheated once, he might be more likely to cheat again. I think that in cases of non-serial cheaters, there is just as much a chance for a person who as never cheated to cheat as it is for a person who has cheated once to cheat.
You have to make peace with the fact that there is a chance he will cheat. Not because there is anything wrong with him, just that he is human and we ALL have a chance that we will cheat–yes, even you. If being with someone who might cheat is so devestating to you, then you shouldn’t be with anyone. You don’t deal with the fear of cheating by having “proof” that they won’t cheat. You get over the fear by realizing that even if they do cheat, you will survive.
Post # 97
jamb: Sorry to have put you on defense, I just wanted to clarify what you had meant by the respect factor. Thank you for clarifying, I now understand what you were saying.
I understand, but the way it comes across may have looked that way to certain people. I just took it as it is.
Post # 98
stephncollins: Thank you for the post! I am definitely working on it. I know how hard it is for him to relive the past because of me, so I have been trying to refrain myself from bringing things up.
Post # 99
XOSMarieOX: Its hardly his second pregnancy, he got someone pregnant.. They had an abortion. Your the first pregnancy, she was the first abortion. I fail to see how this would be bothersome.
People have pasts, if the complexity of this is causing you so much upset, you need to seek therapy or cut ties.
Post # 100
Can.I.Be.Mrs.C.: Thank you for sharing all of that. I really appreciate it. Funny thing is boyfriend knows that I love Frozen and he actually said the same thing to me. You are right though, it is about perspective. Sometimes his past overshadows all of the nice things that he does for me. Especially sticking by my side during all the ups and downs of life. He tells me he wants this through thick and thin. I feel like he believes we are already married with some of the stuff he says to me – even though we decided to wait for marriage until the issues were resolved or under control and after the baby is born to see how we work together as parents.
Haha as far as the eating ice cream thing, I will definitely do that!
Post # 101
XOSMarieOX: To give you a visual and hopefully a giggle… When I get upset about something silly my 6 yo DS and my 6 foot 2, 220, hairy, bearded, jeans and hoodie wearing boyfriend pretend skate around our house singing let it go.
As far as the ice cream I’m very jealous. Enjoy it!
Post # 102
KoiKove: I was just focusing more on the big first stuff, not the smaller stuff such as movie watching, holding hands, etc. But, I see your point. As for the child, that is not what I am saying either.
I agree, however, that anyone even the most noble can cheat. I am not omitted from this either. I guess it is just the overload of it all if he had just cheated and that was it then it would take time, but I could cope. If he had just slept with 13 girls and that was it, I could cope. I guess the stress of all of it feels like it is weighing down on me. I know people make mistakes, and I have made plenty -just different ones.
We are both willing to work, especially now that we are having a precious baby together. But if it ends up not working out then we will be great at co-parenting. He is going to be a wonderful father and I know that he will make the right choices when our baby is born and growing up. So, no matter the outcome I have one less thing to worry about when it comes to our baby. But, as of right now, we want each other and we want to make it work and try counseling.
Post # 103
KC-2722: You are right. It was just the initial part. The finding out, etc. I probably am overreacting. Part of it is probably jealousy. Which I guess can be viewed as irrational, but I guess she didn’t get that far with him but I did. Seeing his face light up when he saw his baby move around was pretty great to see and she didn’t get to see that.
Post # 104
XOSMarieOX: My Fiance lived a long time with his ex.
NEVER in my whole life it ever crossed my mind ‘oh he has lived with someone before and i have not, must be not special to him’. I know he had several relationships – might be 4-5 (Im guessing) and he’s my firstest man ever. We have been together 11 years now – like one and only tue love. :o) I know eveything with me was different and new to him – the house, the dating, everything.
He is with you and not with them for a reason.
‘the past is in the past’ ( Another Frozen fan, here! 🙂
Post # 105
XOSMarieOX: I can see how those thoughts would pop up in a new-ish relationship.
1 – Am I special to him? Do I satisfy him enough? Would he had been better off with one of his exes? Does he think about them often? Etc. His exes are his exes for a reason. If he’s like most people, he probably doesn’t WANT to think about them.
2 – Is he excited about being pregnant with me? Was he glad that I didn’t have an abortion like his ex? Is he happier in this circumstance than in the past? Ask him! You’re having a baby together, you can have these serious discussions. Encourage him to be genuine with his feelings without getting upset. For example, it’s normal to be scared or nervous about your first baby rather than over-the-moon.<br />
3 – I know marriage has come up for both of us in our past? Is this real for him too? Am I the one he wants to spend his life wit is he just saying that to make me feel better? Am I different to him compared to the others? Do I stand out to him in such a larger crowd? This is only something you two will be able to decide together. Does he make you happy? Does he make you feel special? Do you reciprocate?
Even if some of his experiences aren’t new they’re new WITH YOU! That makes them special! Enjoy them!