(Closed) Struggling over boyfriend's past….

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 108
Member
3787 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

 

XOSMarieOX:  Sounds like lots of your major concerns all boil down to one common theme: You dont fully trust that he’s with you because he wants to be. Looking at the “overanalytical questions” you posted to Playdohpants, lots of them have that common theme, so forgive me if I’m misinterpreting them. Do you think your Boyfriend or Best Friend is as into you as he says he is? why do you think he would tell you things (that he’s happy/chooses you over the other women/is excited for your new baby) if he doesnt truely mean them? I think you need to take what he says at face value, shut the door on the past and STOP bringing it up. Move forward and enjoy this next, NEW chapter of your lives together and just appreciate that you love eachother for exactly who you are, and choose to be with eachother because thats what makes you happy. Stop questioning it and waiting for the other shoe to fall, you’ll ruin things if you dont just step back and learn to enjoy!

Post # 110
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

XOSMarieOX:  to me it partly seems like you are now worried that you are not special/different/unique enough for him.  Of course you are! You are you and no one else can ever be as you as you. Clearly he LIKES you. 

 

I think he sounds like a stand up guy. He respected the right of his ex girlfriend to make a tough decision about whether she was alright with being pregnant. He is taking steps to be a good parent to your baby, and suggesting the two of you get communicating with a professional who will help make that easier. He once made a drunken mistake and took immediate steps to make his life right Once he soberly thought about what happened and why.  Have you ever seen the movie Chasing Amy? You kind of remind me of Ben Affleck in that film.

Post # 112
Member
3787 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

 

XOSMarieOX:  I think all these concerns you have are stemming from your own insecurities about how deserving you are of his attention/love/devotion. If he’s assured you that you are special/wonderful/beautiful/etc. enough for him, you need to believe him. It’s really important to forget the past and move forward. You are not in competition with anyone, he’s choosing to start a family and have a life with YOU, you have to leave the past in the past! I promise, the less you focus on the stuff that you cant change (his past and the things you dislike about it), they less they will matter.

My Darling Husband has a shady past, but I dont know much of it. I have a shady past, but he doesnt know much about it – know why? Because who I was is not who I am, and it has no bearing on me now. there were things about Darling Husband that used to really cause issues for me, but they werent anything he could change (also, the past). Me focusing on it would make it WAY more of an issue than it ever was, so I stopped focusing on it. Dont ask questions you dont want to know answers to. Ask him to not give you information that isnt useful or helpful to you. move forward and leave all this crap behind you, you dont need it and its not doing anything positive for you now.

And for goodness sake, stop thinking about his exes! He cant take them back, dont make him constantly apologize for things he did that didnt actaully affect you and had absolutely nothing to do with you. His past is HIS past, not yours 🙂 dont get the 2 mixed up!

Post # 113
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

XOSMarieOX:  my fi has a child, has been engaged, has lived with a partner, has cheated and had slept with over 100 girls by the time he was 18 (including a few of my friends). My number is pretty high for a female (around the 30 mark) but i have never done any of those relationship things before. I am 23, hes 27.

I would be lying if i said i didnt bother me a little in the beginning, mainly because i was insecure about just being another notch on the belt, or the cheating thing, but now weve been together for almost 4 years, he is such an amazing attentive person who treats me like a princess, and wwve both made huge progress on the people we are… it just doesnt feel relevant anymore. I feel like time makes these feelinga go away. But you should not be making him feel ashamed and realise this is 100% your issue and not his.

 

Post # 116
Member
3787 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

 

XOSMarieOX:  What-ifs dont really matter because they didnt happen. Sounds like he would have supported her and the child, but it never got to that point. I can guarantee you this his experience with you and your baby is far different than her and her pregnancy. You actaully are his “first” in this experience, she didnt make a choice to get pregnant (I assume), so blaming her for “stealing your first with him” isnt really fair. Your situation and that situation is liek comparing apples to oranges.

So what are you going to do now, how are you going to resolve this in a healthy way and move forward?

Post # 118
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

XOSMarieOX:  just to clarify; did this cybersex involve webcams? Because in my mind, your guy slept with women with whom he had a relationship. You on the other hand, had online virtual sex with random guys you didn’t know. AT ALL.

I’m not trying to shame you or anything but just point out that you may be overreacting – you have a past also. I think maybe hormones could be at play from the pregnancy? Pregnancy made me slightly nutty 🙂

Btw, I’m like you – I wanted to know everything about FI’s past, and I told him mine. There were a few things that I didn’t bargain for but others that just surprised me! Your guy wasn’t running around with randoms, it sounds like he was attached. And that’s actually a good thing. 

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