Struggling to choose bridesmaids…help!

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
933 posts
Busy bee

It’s unreasonable for your Fiance to expect you to both have an even number of most treasured friends.  Sides do not have to be even.  You should each pick the friends/ family members who are closest to you and most supportive of you. 


Also, I know you’re excited to ask the girls but 18 months out is WAAAY too early.  I would wait until a year out to ask them.  If you want to hang out with them more, do it because they’re your friends, not your family.


re: cousins, with the additional information it doesn’t sound like they are super close to you or your Fiance. I would not ask them unless your relationship(s) grow much closer in the next six months.  Plus, their drama sounds awful. You do not want that stress in your wedding!! 


re: estranged friend,  wait.  See if your relationship continues to mend and how you feel about her at the one year mark.  Don’t ever ask someone because you were theirs. Relationships change over the years and that’s ok.

Post # 17
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

evagria :  Please don’t try and match numbers. You really, really don’t want someone who’s “kind of a pain” in your wedding party. You said you have 3 “for sures”. That’s your answer.

Honestly, I’ve seen so many weddings where things turn into a nightmare because one side or another has added a person or people to make it even. It honestly and truly isn’t worth it. PLUS, if you have fewer and X dollars to spend on wedding party stuff, you can spoil your 3 important ladies. It will be much more about wanting to thank them and celebrate with them rather than any obligations around what you pay for/gifts for everyone in the wedding party.

Post # 18
1365 posts
Bumble bee

evagria :  Everybody else has covered the “don’t choose people just to make even sides” thing (I wholeheartedly agree), but also, please don’t choose your bridal party this early. Eighteen months is a LONG time and things could be 100% different with these relationships in that time. In general, it’s best to ask your party 9-12 months beforehand. I’d enjoy being engaged and going along with the planning right now, and hold off asking at all for at least another six months. If you’re asked about it, just tell people you’re in early stages of planning. 

Post # 22
12134 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Your Fiance is misguided. It is in no way obligatory to have even sides. Traditional etiquette makes it quite clear that your wedding party should consist of those closest to you, even if the sides are uneven. No one should be there to serve as a prop. 

Post # 23
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

evagria :  Yes! I was going to add that you could include them in other ways if you wanted to 🙂

I really do think it’s important to surround yourself with people that are going to make you feel good during the planning and on your big day.

I think I saw another bee (probably more did too) on waiting to choose bridesmaids. I also agree with this wholeheartedly. I’m getting married in August 2018 and as eager as I am to ask my lovely ladies, Fiance and I are holding off on asking our wedding parties (with siblings as an exception as they won’t change and were starting to worry we wouldn’t ask them!). We know that friendships can really change and a couple of friends who we really would like to ask now are going through big, lifechanging events. We’ve seen some changes in these friendships (it oddly worked out where there’s a potential groomsman and a potential bridesmaid in virtually the same situation) and so we want to see how things go over the next little while. I’m really eager to ask my friends, but I’ve seen how beneficial waiting can be.

Post # 24
9 posts

evagria :  Picking bridesmaids can be stressful. Don’t go wild and have too many! 6 and under is usually a safe number and managable. Once you get your girls, keep them informed and “in-the-know,” by using Bridesmaids Newsletters. They not only help you stay on track but they help the bridesmaids feel connected to you and the wedding!

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