Post # 1
Fiance and I just got engaged on Friday, but I have been thinking about this since we first started getting serious about the idea of marriage.
I have always imaged that my little sister would be Maid/Matron of Honor. We’re only a year and a half apart in age and have always been really close. She is also very creative and has a sharp eye, I believe she would be extremely helpful in planning my wedding. The only problem is, she really doesn’t like Fiance. He annoys her and as I’ve posted before, everything he does is wrong. She would be happy to completely ignore him, but she can’t always do that. She’s the type of person who doesn’t have a whole lot of tact — she doesn’t think before she speaks, and has a hard time keeping the venom out of her voice at times, so it’s pretty obvious when she doesn’t like someone.
I know she wants to be Maid/Matron of Honor and I really, really want her to be, but I’m concerned. The biggest concern I have at this point is the toast that the Maid/Matron of Honor and Bridesmaid or Best Man are supposed to give. Now, where I have said she lacks tact and doesn’t care to sugar coat things, she does understand what an important day this is and I DO believe she’d be able to deliver a nice speech. But what can she say about my Fiance when she doesn’t like him? And I worry that she won’t be able to keep her tone right– I don’t want her to be talking about my marriage and have her words dripping with disdain. I know my Fiance would rahter not have her as my Maid/Matron of Honor but he understands that it’s my choice and that this is very difficult fo rme.
I am going to have to talk to her about this. I thought maybe I could just sit her down, calmly outline my concerns and see if she can allieviate any concern and make my choice from there?
I don’t want to have to hurt her and choose my friend instead. I also considered just eliminating the speech portion of the evening, but Fiance wants them. I also thought about not picking a Maid/Matron of Honor, but then when FI’s best man makes a speech, it will be odd if someone from my bridal party doesn’t make one. I just don’t know what to do about this. 🙁 ANY advice in this area is welcome.
This topic was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by alynn91.
Post # 2
I highly doubt your sister would make a venemous or hurtful speech. Everyone can put on a good show in a 3 minute speech.
I’m sure you’d have a very hurt and upset sister if you chose to not have her stand next to you on the most important day of your life. If I were you, I’d pick my sister and trust that she’d act like a mature adult during the speech.
Post # 3
I’m in a similar situation where my best friend, who I always thought would be my maid of honor even before I met my Fiance, is very very blunt and is not afraid to speak what’s on her mind. Which is okay – but she can be very hurtful and lacks a filter. I’m honestly considering not having a maid of honor, because I feel like SOMEONE will be hurt and I would rather just avoid this mess all together. I know it’s not traditional, and it might cause some drama anyway, but that’s always an option!
Post # 4
I would choose my sister… there are also ways around the speech, like she can say, she’s seen how happy he makes you, etc…
Post # 5
I’m having trouble thinking of who would be my bridesmaids at all, to the point of considering not having a bridal party. My SO told me he wants groomsmen, though. If I do end up having my cousin as a Maid/Matron of Honor or Bridesmaid or Best Man, I wouldn’t ask her to make a speech. Make sure the Best Man knows he’ll be the only speech so it’s not totally one sided, and let that be it. No one remembers who gave speeches after the wedding anyway.
Post # 6
Agh, I really feel for your situation! Does your sister have a genuine complaint against your Fiance – as in, he’s treated you badly – or is it just that their personalities don’t mesh well? If he’s going to be in your life for hopefully the rest of it, you may want to talk to your sister about trying to like him more, at least as your husband-to-be, even if he isn’t someone she’d choose as a friend. Maybe she would be willing to make an effort in the interest of family harmony, learn what you love about him, and try to set aside her annoyance and dislike.
Post # 7
Well, you could always have her as your Maid/Matron of Honor, and have someone else from your side give a speech, whether that’s your mom, dad, another bridesmaid, etc. Or you could just tell your sister your concerns. Plenty of MOHs have given speeches at weddings where they didn’t like the grooms; they just talk about the bride and their friendship/memories instead.
Post # 8
I agree. Someone else could always do the speech.
In any case, usually the speech on the bride’s side (whether it’s Maid/Matron of Honor, bride’s father, or anyone else) is usually mainly about the bride, with a bit about the couple at the end. (And the best man’s speech is mainly about the groom).
Post # 9
You could have two maids of honor. My best friend couldn’t choose,so she chose both her cousin and I… Yes, there are ways around the speech… you could just nix them. Not every wedding has speeches. Don’t feel obligated to do any one tradition. I’m sure you could explain all of this to your sister, she should understand… As long as you tell her as nicely as possible. I would hope she wouldn’t have the audacity to sabotage your wedding, no matter how she feels about your fiancé You could tell her to only speak about how she feels about you, your relationship as sisters, and how much your happiness means to her as a guideline… Then, have his best man mirror that type of speech. For instance, she could say ” I’m glad you finally found someone who makes you happy, and that is all that matters to me.”
Post # 10
Sister! She will ALWAYS be your sister, no matter what. You never know what the future holds for your friend. Ask your sister to consider you and your FI’s feelings and make her your Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 11
One, your wedding part does not have to help you plan your wedding, so please don’t use the reason that she has a sharp eye as a way to pick your Maid/Matron of Honor.
Second, no one HAS to give a speech at your wedding. If the Maid/Matron of Honor wants to give a speech she can, and really it should be more of a toast because a speech, to me, indicates many minutes of crappy inside jokes that only a handful of people will understand.
Third, your sister does not have to be a fan of your Fiance to be your Maid/Matron of Honor.
Personally I wouldn’t talk to her about how she feels. She doesn’t like him and that is that. I would trust her to act like an adult on your wedding day and if she does give a speech to refrain from saying anything nasty about your Fiance. But if she does, in the end, it will make her look bad, not you.
Post # 12
I actively hated my sister’s Fiance (now husband) and was her Maid/Matron of Honor. Once they got engaged, I realized they were in it for the long haul and I had to suck it up. I still don’t prefer him and we’ll never be besties, but I certainly wouldn’t have given a hateful speech (they are non-traditional and did not have toasts, first dances, etc.). I think if you want your sister to be your Maid/Matron of Honor, you should ask her anyway. Hopefully she will put her feelings aside and be an adult about it.
Post # 13
I think your sister is the way to go. It sounds like you’ve previously openly discussed her dislike for him with her?
Is your sister the type that would actually go off and say something rude in a speech? If you truely believe this then don’t pick her; but, most people would not behave like that in a room full of people. Otherwise I think picking her is a good idea. She is your sister and will always be your sister.
Post # 14
If you’ve always wanted her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor and you two have a good relationship and bond, I think you should try trusting her with it and discussing your concerns. Once she is Maid/Matron of Honor she might change her tune about your Fiance. She might begin to accept that he is going to be her Brother-In-Law. Try saying to her honestly “I always thought you’d be Maid/Matron of Honor though I am concererned that you don’t like __ very much and that might make for an awkward speech… but I do really want you to be the Maid/Matron of Honor, can you reassure me?” Also consider how much worse her attitude may get if she is NOT the Maid/Matron of Honor. Then she really really won’t like him because he got in the way of what was always supposed to be her Maid/Matron of Honor bonding experience with you… I might worry more about having her sulk as not Maid/Matron of Honor then not be perfect as Maid/Matron of Honor. I think if she’s deeply a good person and loves you, she’ll be fine as Maid/Matron of Honor. Remember no situation is perfect. Weddings are NOT perfect. Accept that now to have a better time with yours
Post # 15
I say go ahead and go with your sister. You can have the conversation with her about her feelings or not. It seems to me like you to have already had that talk, so maybe it is not necessary. If you are going to discuss it with her, I would do it during the same conversation -but before actually requesting- as your wedding\maid of honor duties.
Maybe something like take her to lunch or coffee or to grab a glass of wine and discuss how excited you are about the wedding and how important it is to you that your two families come together in a cohesive way that makes you feel as though you are all one big family. I think this would be a good lead in to talking about how happy you are and how excited you are to be planning everything and how important this entire day is and how important it is for you that she is there with you for every step of the process.
Ultimately, I feel like if you and your sister are that close, she will not do or say anything at your wedding that will embarrass you or be disrespectful to your fiancé\future husband and his family. If anything, she can give a very genuine and sentimental toast saying that you deserve to be happy and loved and that even though she and your fiancé have not always seen eye to eye, she knows that he loves and respects you and that those things are the foundation for any great relationship and that she wishes both of you a long life full of happiness and love. Certainly that’s true whether she likes your future hubby or not.