(Closed) Struggling to forgive

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@lilsistam:  I don’t blame you (at all) for being incredibly hurt. I’m even surprised that an uncle would choose a high school reunion over his niece’s wedding (unless it was not a close relationship?). But by staying angry over it the only person you are hurting is yourself. You can bet that they aren’t aware/care how you are feeling. Try not to let it keep eating away at you.

Post # 4
1896 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@lilsistam:  if you haven’t already, tell them exactly how you feel. Get it out. Tell them how much you missed them there. Just once though – and then hear them out. Have they ever apologized? Have they tried to reach out to you? 

It may be that the relationship is never the same again – but will you regret cutting them off after they’re gone? Only you can answer that. You don’t have to forget – but you can choose to move forward. 

I would be super hurt too. I’m sorry. 🙁

Post # 5
1938 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@lilsistam:  Personally I think you are totally justified in your anger. We had a similar situation happen (sort of) for my wedding. 


DH’s grandfather’s wife (DH’s step grandma) is really obnoxiously protective of controlling of him. As soon as she found out we were having the wedding were we lived and not where they lived (where Darling Husband grew up) she just flat out said that it was a shame they couldn’t come to the wedding. 


First she blamed it on not wanting to drive in the city, but they could have found a MILLION other relatives that would have been happy to bring them (its only 3 hours away really)… 


Then she blamed it on the grandpa’s health and that he couldn’t handle breathing in the city, but our wedding was up a canyon on a mountain WAY above the city…. 


We went to visit them a few months ago and DH’s step grandma raved all about the trip they took to Oregon (we live in Utah)…. she had to DRIVE in the city to get to the airport and they stayed in the city there so DH’s grandpa in a city just fine! 


But it was different because it was to visit HER grandson… not even a wedding, just a visit! Darling Husband was so hurt when we got in the car… he is usually so kind of understanding but that hurt him and I don’t think he is over it. 


So anyway, I would be mad if I were you too!!!! 


Post # 6
11343 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@lilsistam:  Could they have brought the child with them to your wedding, or was that not an option?

Post # 7
46329 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@lilsistam:  Of course it hurts. You love your grandparents. They love you.

Are you able to put yourself in their shoes? They made a promise to provide child care so your aunt and uncle could go to a high school reunion- a promise made BEFORE they knew the date of your wedding. They probably tried all sorts of ways to get aunt and uncle to make alternative child care arrangements, but at the end of it all, the grandparents  felt forced to keep their commitment. It’s likely how they were raised.

By the way, once you knew of their conundrum, did you extend an invitation to them to bring the child? (we don’t know the age of the child.)

What it comes down to is you have a choice. You can choose to empathize with their situation and forgive them for not attending your wedding, or you can choose to let this make you a bitter person for the rest of your life. 

Be the better person and welcome your grandparents back into your life. Time passes quickly and you may soon find yourself wishing that you had done so, but no longer having the opportunity.


Post # 8
9515 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

A stupid high school reunion over your wedding?! Are you sure there is not more to the story?   I don’t know how you explain it short of dementia or some kind of pre-existing resentment or indifference between family members.

My suggestion is to tell them all exactly how hurt you were and are.  In your place, I would have spoken up at the time.  Where were your parents in all this? What was the relationship like between you, your parents and these family members before this happened?  

Was this one of those “child free” wedding issues?

Post # 9
9627 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I agree with a PP who said talk to your grandparents about how you are feeling, and how them missing your wedding made you feel. I would be upset too, but honestly? They did the right thing. They had made a commitment for that day before they even knew about your wedding, so they fulfilled that commitment, which is the right thing to do. But why couldn’t the baby’s dad watch the kid?

ETA: As for being mad at your aunt, uncle and cousin, that is a bit much IMO. As you said they didn’t know about the wedding when the reunion was planned and booked. So that lets aunt and uncle off the hook, of course your aunt would choose to go with her husband to his function. As for them asking the grandparents to babysit, I am sure that’s perfectly normal for them to do. Since they are the normal babysitters and were unavailable, who would be next on the list of potential people to look after the child? A complete stranger they would pay or a family member they can trust who had nothing else on that day. As for your cousin, being mad at her for having a child is ridiculous. I think you need to let this go, they all only found out about this wedding AFTER they had plans set in stone.

Post # 13
9515 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Are some of you kidding about honoring a preexisting commitment to babysit for a *HS reunion* ahead of a granddaughter’s wedding?!?!  Not in my universe.  IMO a rational grandparent would have said we’re going to the wedding, you will have to make other arrangements or one of you will have to stay home with the baby.  

As I said,  I think there must be more to this story.

Post # 14
988 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I get that you are hurt. It’s understandable. However, step back for a moment and think about how things could be – your grandparents are no longer living and never had the opportunity to attend your wedding, much less be a part of your life since you were ten or eleven. I would give anything to have my grandparents back. So forgive me if I think you are being somewhat ungrateful and bratty. You haven’t spoken to them in months because of this?? 

Post # 15
1151 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@lilsistam:  The fact that they’ve made no attempt to apologise is appalling.. they’re adults and they should know better. I’m sorry this tainted your most special of days. If you feel like you can, I think you should bring it up with them and let them know how you feel. If you’re still feeling hurt after all this time you clearly need to get it off your chest.

Your feelings are certainly justified, particularly if as you say, you thought you were close to them. Any one of them could of stepped up and made other arrangements and I think it’s really poor of them that they didn’t.

Post # 16
9627 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I do agree that they should apologize for missing the biggest day of your life. They could have brought the child with them to your wedding, although I can understand driving themselves that far at their age could be a bit much.

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