(Closed) Struggling to forgive

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 1
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

How do you forgive your grandparents for missing one of the most important days of your life, your wedding day? It’s been five months since my wedding, and I’m still struggling with that question.

 

Here’s the background of it: My cousin had a baby while she was in med school. Because she was too busy with med school to raise the kid herself, her parents are basically raising him themselves. She’s now doing her residency at a hospital close enough to her parents that she can take care of him when she has time off, but her parents still watch him the majority of the time. My uncle had a high school reunion the same day as my wedding, so he and my aunt RSVP’d no, and my cousin had to work that day, so she RSVP’d no as well. However, instead of my aunt staying back from my uncle’s reunion to watch the kid, they asked my grandparents to watch him.

 

Granted, at the time that they asked, they hadn’t recieved the save-the-date or invitation for the wedding yet, but, once they found out, they didn’t attempt to make any other arrangements so my grandparents could be at my wedding. My grandma called me a couple of weeks after they received my invitation to let me know that they couldn’t attend my wedding because they’d be watching my cousin’s kid. Thankfully, I wasn’t able to answer and she had to leave a message, because I was absolutely devestated, and furious.

 

I was (and still am) mad at my grandparents for chosing their great-grandson over their grandaughter’s wedding, at my aunt and uncle for not making other arrangements, not leaving it up to their daughter to find a babysitter for her son, and for my aunt not staying abck from the reunion to watch him, and mad at my cousin for getting knocked up in the middle of med school and being unable to raise her own child (unfair, I know), and for not trying to make other arrangements.

 

Am I being selfish for being mad? I can’t help it, as I feel like they chose my cousin’s son over me on the most important day of my life. Because of this, I’ve not seen or spoken to my grandparents, aunt and uncle, or cousin since I received the news. I know that my wedding was five months ago, but it still hurts. It would be one thing if my grandparents couldn’t make it because of health reason, but that was not the case. How do I forgive them and move past this? I keep trying, but it just hurts so much.

 

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Post # 3
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@lilsistam:  I don’t blame you (at all) for being incredibly hurt. I’m even surprised that an uncle would choose a high school reunion over his niece’s wedding (unless it was not a close relationship?). But by staying angry over it the only person you are hurting is yourself. You can bet that they aren’t aware/care how you are feeling. Try not to let it keep eating away at you.

Post # 4
Member
1886 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@lilsistam:  if you haven’t already, tell them exactly how you feel. Get it out. Tell them how much you missed them there. Just once though – and then hear them out. Have they ever apologized? Have they tried to reach out to you? 

It may be that the relationship is never the same again – but will you regret cutting them off after they’re gone? Only you can answer that. You don’t have to forget – but you can choose to move forward. 

I would be super hurt too. I’m sorry. 🙁

Post # 5
Member
1938 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@lilsistam:  Personally I think you are totally justified in your anger. We had a similar situation happen (sort of) for my wedding. 

 

DH’s grandfather’s wife (DH’s step grandma) is really obnoxiously protective of controlling of him. As soon as she found out we were having the wedding were we lived and not where they lived (where Darling Husband grew up) she just flat out said that it was a shame they couldn’t come to the wedding. 

 

First she blamed it on not wanting to drive in the city, but they could have found a MILLION other relatives that would have been happy to bring them (its only 3 hours away really)… 

 

Then she blamed it on the grandpa’s health and that he couldn’t handle breathing in the city, but our wedding was up a canyon on a mountain WAY above the city…. 

 

We went to visit them a few months ago and DH’s step grandma raved all about the trip they took to Oregon (we live in Utah)…. she had to DRIVE in the city to get to the airport and they stayed in the city there so DH’s grandpa in a city just fine! 

 

But it was different because it was to visit HER grandson… not even a wedding, just a visit! Darling Husband was so hurt when we got in the car… he is usually so kind of understanding but that hurt him and I don’t think he is over it. 

 

So anyway, I would be mad if I were you too!!!! 

 

Post # 6
Member
11419 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@lilsistam:  Could they have brought the child with them to your wedding, or was that not an option?

Post # 7
Member
46597 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@lilsistam:  Of course it hurts. You love your grandparents. They love you.

Are you able to put yourself in their shoes? They made a promise to provide child care so your aunt and uncle could go to a high school reunion- a promise made BEFORE they knew the date of your wedding. They probably tried all sorts of ways to get aunt and uncle to make alternative child care arrangements, but at the end of it all, the grandparents  felt forced to keep their commitment. It’s likely how they were raised.

By the way, once you knew of their conundrum, did you extend an invitation to them to bring the child? (we don’t know the age of the child.)

What it comes down to is you have a choice. You can choose to empathize with their situation and forgive them for not attending your wedding, or you can choose to let this make you a bitter person for the rest of your life. 

Be the better person and welcome your grandparents back into your life. Time passes quickly and you may soon find yourself wishing that you had done so, but no longer having the opportunity.

 

Post # 8
Member
10277 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

A stupid high school reunion over your wedding?! Are you sure there is not more to the story?   I don’t know how you explain it short of dementia or some kind of pre-existing resentment or indifference between family members.

My suggestion is to tell them all exactly how hurt you were and are.  In your place, I would have spoken up at the time.  Where were your parents in all this? What was the relationship like between you, your parents and these family members before this happened?  

Was this one of those “child free” wedding issues?

Post # 9
Member
9667 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I agree with a PP who said talk to your grandparents about how you are feeling, and how them missing your wedding made you feel. I would be upset too, but honestly? They did the right thing. They had made a commitment for that day before they even knew about your wedding, so they fulfilled that commitment, which is the right thing to do. But why couldn’t the baby’s dad watch the kid?

ETA: As for being mad at your aunt, uncle and cousin, that is a bit much IMO. As you said they didn’t know about the wedding when the reunion was planned and booked. So that lets aunt and uncle off the hook, of course your aunt would choose to go with her husband to his function. As for them asking the grandparents to babysit, I am sure that’s perfectly normal for them to do. Since they are the normal babysitters and were unavailable, who would be next on the list of potential people to look after the child? A complete stranger they would pay or a family member they can trust who had nothing else on that day. As for your cousin, being mad at her for having a child is ridiculous. I think you need to let this go, they all only found out about this wedding AFTER they had plans set in stone.

Post # 10
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Lollybags:  I always thought that I had a close relationship with this aunt & uncle, but obviously not close enough. It did hurt me that they would choose a highschool reunion over my wedding, but since he was in charge of it, I was understanding, especially since they didn’t know our wedding date when he was planning it, as we had a relatively short (5 months) engagement.

Post # 11
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@nightborn:  I’ve thought about telling them how I felt, but I don’t want to cause issued for my dad with his family (it’s his parents, sister, and brother-in-law). They’ve never apologized, and they’ve made no attempt to reach out to me since the wedding.

Post # 12
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Brielle:  yes, they could have. The child was invited to the wedding, and my grandparents knew that. They thought it was too far, as it was a 2 1/2 hour drive from my aunt and uncle’s, which is a 2 hr drive from their place. They didn’t want to do that much driving in one day.

Post # 13
Member
10277 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Are some of you kidding about honoring a preexisting commitment to babysit for a *HS reunion* ahead of a granddaughter’s wedding?!?!  Not in my universe.  IMO a rational grandparent would have said we’re going to the wedding, you will have to make other arrangements or one of you will have to stay home with the baby.  

As I said,  I think there must be more to this story.

Post # 14
Member
986 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I get that you are hurt. It’s understandable. However, step back for a moment and think about how things could be – your grandparents are no longer living and never had the opportunity to attend your wedding, much less be a part of your life since you were ten or eleven. I would give anything to have my grandparents back. So forgive me if I think you are being somewhat ungrateful and bratty. You haven’t spoken to them in months because of this?? 

Post # 15
Member
1150 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@lilsistam:  The fact that they’ve made no attempt to apologise is appalling.. they’re adults and they should know better. I’m sorry this tainted your most special of days. If you feel like you can, I think you should bring it up with them and let them know how you feel. If you’re still feeling hurt after all this time you clearly need to get it off your chest.

Your feelings are certainly justified, particularly if as you say, you thought you were close to them. Any one of them could of stepped up and made other arrangements and I think it’s really poor of them that they didn’t.

Post # 16
Member
9667 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I do agree that they should apologize for missing the biggest day of your life. They could have brought the child with them to your wedding, although I can understand driving themselves that far at their age could be a bit much.

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