(Closed) Struggling to forgive

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 20
Member
9873 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

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@lilsistam:  So the childcare was in another room, it wasn’t that the children were sitting with the adults/guardians at the wedding? Because that might explain why the grandparents were uncomfortable going with the child in tow. Leaving the child with a stranger may have been something the family agreed not to do and didn’t feel right about. But I agree that they should have done so if they felt comfortable driving that length of time, or had somebody offering to drive them.

Post # 23
Member
9873 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

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@lilsistam:  Like I said I would probably be upset too if I was in your shoes, your wedding is a big day and it was important to you for your grandparents to be there! But my rational/logical side disagrees, based on what I have posted so far as to their being uncomfortable leaving a child with a stranger. Where’s the child’s dad in all this?

ETA: And I am guessing this is their only great grandchild, whereas you are not their only granddaughter. I am not saying what they did is right, but as they only have one great grandchild it could be why they chose him/her over you.

Post # 24
Member
9873 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

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@lilsistam:  Ok so the children could still stay with them? Maybe they didn’t understand that, maybe they took it as ‘the children can come, but if you choose the option of bringing them, that option involves them being left with a stranger in another room’. I’m not saying that is the case, just maybe how it was perceived. But if they knew that clearly they could bring the child with them and still look after the child themselves, and had transport provided, they don’t really have an excuse.

Post # 27
Member
9873 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

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@lilsistam:  Ok well I don’t have any other explanation 🙁 That sucks, maybe try reaching out to them for coffee to talk about it or something?

Post # 28
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee

@lilsistam:  That really stinks 🙁  My grandparents missed my wedding too.  My wedding was out of state and my grandparents told me it would be too difficult to travel, despite my parents making every attempt to help them.  Then about a month after the wedding my grandparents took a trip out of state, like seriously?  I wont lie, I’m still pretty upset about it, but I keep it to myself.  They’re old.  They’re my family.  I love them and it’s not worth being mad at them during the time I have left with them.  I hope you find it within yourself to forgive them, even if you can’t forget it.  

Post # 29
Member
403 posts
Helper bee

I’d call them. It’s the holidays. I’d give my right arm to be able to call my grandparents, they are all gone. Don’t waste any more time on this. 

Post # 30
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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@weddingmaven:  Are some of you kidding about honoring a preexisting commitment to babysit for a *HS reunion* ahead of a granddaughter’s wedding?!?!  Not in my universe.

None of the replies you are referencing are mine but actually some of us were raised on “A person is only as good as their word.” and that carried down from the grandparents.  Hard core, serious… you say you will do something you do not break your word unless you are physically incapable of doing what you said you would do… doesn’t matter what it is, what else comes up that you would rather do.  I realize this may sound crazy, but in some families/generations/areas/businesses it’s a really important thing and a person’s worth is based on how good their word (promise/commitment) is.  Besides if he’s running it, it’s likely pretty important that he be there to see it through, and his wife would likely be with him.
 
OP: The uncle/aunt not going when they (he) had a prior commitment is understandable.  I also feel the grandparents are too… they commited to childcare prior, but there could be a host of other things that also played a factor, like really not being comfortable driving that long in a day, it could even be a reason they won’t say or share.
 
I do understand your feelings, and why you feel that way, they are valid.  I would handle it by saying “I love you two so much, you are so important to me and I really missed having you there when I got married.”.  No judgement, no drama… just you love and missed them… phrased however you would say it.  If they just go “meh, didn’t care”… I’d be pretty pissed and hurt… but it’s more likely they will say something like “We’re so sorry we couldn’t make it, we love you, you know that right?”.   I know these are good/bad outcomes and the wording would be different for your family… but still… it does not hurt to express that you love them and really missed them being there… just don’t make it a guilt trip.  Because really the older you get the more hassle taking care of a child and travelling are (on their own much less combined).  And there may be reasons you don’t even know and they won’t tell you (but that have nothing to do with you).  Lives and living can be so complicated, especially as you age. 
 
You’re understandably hurt because you wanted them there, and you may never really know all the reasons they didn’t… but that doesn’t mean they suddenly don’t love you if you’ve always felt they loved you before.  Don’t shut them down or out unless they say something like “We never really loved you and didn’t care to go support you.”.  You only get so many grandparents and their lives only last so long, you could really regret shutting them out.

Post # 31
Member
13994 posts
Honey Beekeeper

@lilsistam:

Some more questions:

Was the phone  message you got from your grandmother  a flat out  NO or is it possible  she  was talking about obstacles,  and wanted  you to call her back to talk to discuss?  TBH, I can’t believe that she would leave that kind of message on your phone and not talk to you, personally.   However, upset and hurt as you were, I still think she deserved a return call. I can’t help but wonder if something was lost in the translation. 

 Do you know if your grandmother’s health could have had anything to do with it? Is there something else they may not have been telling you?  

 Is there any reason your grandparents would not have approved of your marriage or the type of wedding?  Was the wedding planned quickly? Did the family ever ask you to consider changing the date?  

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