Post # 1
Over a year ago, we were married. My in laws spoiled the day, and I’m having trouble moving on. On the day of, my mother in law got drunk to the point where she doesn’t remember what happened at the wedding. She told me, framed as her kind words to me (and her only kind words of the day), “We had trouble accepting you for years becuase (husband) is so great, but now we are happy to be as close as you want to be.” This is one of the many things she has denied doing(this time because she was so drunk…she really doesn’t remember). Thankfully my child was not there to hear. As the wedding winded down, her and my father in law got into a physical fight in the parking lot. She wanted to drive home drunk, and relatives were trying to stop her. My now husband and I walked out as the reception was ending to this. She started shoving other relatives, first her brother, then the other brother. Then, she screamed across the parking lot, cursing to no one in particular then, “(Father in law) always f%#@s everything up!!!!! (repeatedly for several minutes) . A few weeks later, she emailed us saying “we should all look inside ourselves to solve the problem and not hold on to blame.” I was not speaking to her at this point. A month later (I did not speak to either of them for a few months), she emailed us saying that now her son was trying to manage a relationship with both of us, and I should move on for his sake. My husband told them they were completely out of line, and ruined our wedding. I thought the behavior would stop, then…. but
This was not the first of our trouble with them and not the last. Going forward, she has continued to insult me, which she did before the wedding for 15 years. She makes passive agressive comments about my job, my house, how I discipline my five year old, how I keep my house, and recently, denied any of this ever happened. I truly, can’t stand being around her and want nothing to do with her. Recently she asked me if we could repair our relationship. I responded by saying that I no longer will tolerate being made to feel less than or unimportant around her, which her comments make me feel. She responded by saying she “doesnt remember doing any of that”, did not take responsibility for anything, and said she wants to go out to dinner.
My husband has stood up for me repeatedly, she has told him “you don’t need to stand up for your wife so much.” I am truly, truly dreading the holidays and would like to never ever see her again. My husband is a wonderful man and I would never leave him, I say that unconditionally. It won’t happen. I also don’t want to take steps to cut them off from him, I wouldn’t do that. But I can’t take her behavior. She is very good to her son (not to me and certainly not to our marriage) but I can’t take her bullying behavior. I’ll never let my marriage disintegrate over this which I think is what she wants, but what do I do??????
Post # 2
- Wedding: January 2021 - City, State
Yeah boyfriends mum is horrific so I complexity understand where you’re coming from, I decided to just continue to be civil to her. Mostly because my mother would be appalled if I behaved the way she did, I feel like being the bigger person allows me to have a better stance when she’s being really unreasonable.
Post # 3
I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. You’ve set a boundary that you do not want a relationship with her, so just keep it moving. Just because she’s your mother-in-law does not mean you need to “repair” something that you didn’t break. You can’t fix a relationship with someone if they refuse to take responsibility for anything.
She will likely never understand why you don’t want a relationship with her, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
Post # 4
You don’t need to have a relationship with her. She definitely shouldn’t be around your child, ever.
Post # 5
Thanks, all. Somehow (through the bonds of their very dysfunctional family) she has managed to really downplay what she did to other family members, so now every family gathering is a struggle. I really, really dislike her and would do just about anything to not spend time with her. If my husband wants to go see them, I have told him time and time again he can do so whenever he wants to. It was already a very difficult relationship before the wedding when in laws sobbed when my husband told them we were getting married and she screamed at me for where I wanted to get married (which, must be told, my parents paid for). I have a fantastic husband. He is the only thing she has concentrated on over the years as her own marriage is bad. If my husband wasn’t so amazing…well, I dont’ know. Set boundaries for your in laws inappropriate behavior before the wedding! I’ll do so now, but it will be a lasting struggle. The one gift they truly gave me- after making my wedding into a Jerry Springer show, I have absolutely not a care in the world what they think of me. Beyond basic respect that I would give any human being, I owe them nothing.
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
You and your child(ren) can and should be off the table – let your husband go to family gatherings, as it seems you do, but there’s no reason for you and the kids to be exposed to this abuse.
Post # 7
“I want to know if we can repair our relationship.”
“Nope. I’m pretty much just waiting for you to die.”
(I know you said nothing like this. I just imagined how satisfying it would be to say something like this to someone so terrible.)
“Take me out to dinner.” (?! What?!)
Um- she is nutso. I hope your husband really really really appreciates you because you are an extraordinarily patient woman. 15 years his mother has been disrespecting you and your relationship and you still married him. He better act right for all of his days.
If the rest of his family isn’t terrible, I think in addition to you staying away from her, you should explicitly make your home completely off limits to her and have events where you invite others over but she may not attend. That way you still get to have relationships with other people who love your husband. She seems to have made your interactions with her (and a lot of other people) an all out war. In those situations I think it’s perfectly justified to make brick wall boundaries that keep people out.
15 years attempting to make nice with her is way more than enough for one lifetime.
Post # 8
Thanks for the really helpful advice. Sometimes after dealing with a bully for so long, you begin to think that it’s you and need something to put you back in reality. This has helped with that. Thank you everyone…
Post # 9
“You stand up for your wife too much.”
That is the best Crazy Bitch line I’ve read so far on the Bee–and that’s saying a lot! Good for you for cutting this toxic shrew out of your lives!
Post # 10
I cut Mother-In-Law off but she still is close with fiance and our kids… just ignore her, be polite for the odd breif instance you see her but dont engage her and keep your distance
Post # 11
I have no real advice except that she wouldn’t have me or my kid around her vitriol ever again.
And sidenote – I hate alcohol and what it does to people. Blech.
Post # 12
At least your husband stands up for you and is aware of how she is. My husband just comes up with excuses and when his mum kept trying to get as much attention from my wedding as possible and tried changing the things I wanted, he just kept coming up with excuses for her. The only person who confirmed what I am experiencing is my husband’s Brother-In-Law as he had the same experience when he married their sister. He told me to just let it go because it’s not worth it. He’s right but I have a hard time with the fact that my husband frequently has taken her side and in one instance made things worse. We still fight about this all the time and I need to get over it and move on or its going to kill this marriage. My husband is an amazing person…but just refuses to admit his mom is quite frankly a controlling passive agro bitch.