(Closed) Struggling with a friend’s decision

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Besides talking to her, she is a grown woman and unfortunately there is nothing you can do.

Maybe suggest that since she is considering the move in/engagement/etc that she discuss this with her religious advisor first?

Post # 4
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

The choice is yours. To keep your friend you can still dislike him, though this makes it hard. I think unless you are asked, you shouldn’t say anything. It’s been done before with poor results. You don’t have to support her relationship but a true friend supports her friend.

So I think you just have to suck it up, and just be her friend. But on the same token you don’t really have to be her friend if you really don’t like the new person she’s become. So if you truely don’t like this new her, pull back a bit. If and when she asks you why you’ve become distant approach the subject delicately and tell her how you truely feel. But if it comes to that be prepared for her to lash out at you, because there’s a fairly solid chance she will.

Post # 5
Member
2227 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Unfortunately, speaking up will only alienate her from you and push her further towards M. It will ultimately worsen her isolation and allow him to take complete advantage of her.

Keep your opinion for when she asks for it. She is a smart woman and when she figures out the mess she’s in she’ll need your support.

 

Post # 6
Member
3520 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@vmec: I agree; all you can do is be her friend and just wait and see.  If she becomes someone you don’t really want to be friends with anymore, then leave her to her life.

Post # 7
Member
2142 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m sorry but ultimately this is NOT your decision to make.

If it is a mistake then sometimes people have to make that mistake to learn. If you said he’s abusive I would say yes say something. But he’s not.

You never know what really goes on between a relationships. There can very well be a endearing quality about him that she sees and you and your friends don’t.

You can certainly voice your concerns if you feel you must. But I doubt it’ll do anything for her. It’ll likely have her push you away.

We had this happen with my BIL. His exwife was the spawn of the devil. The whole family hated her. But we said nothing. Until it was getting ridiculous that he was putting her horrible step family over his own blood family at holidays. My husband said something to him. There was a fist match on father’s day. We went months without really talking to him. He was starting to wonder the error of his choice. The last straw was when he found out she cheated on him and he showed up on our doorstep within the hour. We accepted him in with no questions asked.

After that our family was closer than ever. And the three of us closer than ever.

But this is FAMILY. We are a close family. Family can call you out on your shit. I’m not sure if friends get the same cards or carry the same weight.

ETA:

@vmec:

You don’t have to support her relationship but a true friend supports her friend.

Wise words.

Post # 9
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

@kay01: Ive sort of been in a similar situation, but I was your friend. My boyfriend (now FI) and I met and fell in love very very quickly. I had a few relationships before him, but nothing very serious. We lived about 2 hours from eachother so the weekends were spent driving to see eachother, and spending saturday and sundays together. I am the first to admit it happened fast. Of course, in the process I spent less time focusing on school, friendships, and hobbies. I spent the week focusing on work and wishing for the weekends, and spent the weekend SOO happy. It went on like this for about a year, until we moved in together.

During that time, my best friend/roommate got into some serious arguments because she felt like I wasnt making enough time for her and that I had changed. And she was right, I did change. When youre in love, things change. I couldnt spend 24/7 with her now, but I did bend over backwards to make time for her so she knew she was still important. Anyways, she told me several times that she did not like my boyfriend because he didnt talk to her enough. Of course, he wasnt exactly thrilled with trying to make conversation with her considering she had made her feelings about him very well known. But he did try, and it was never good enough. Her and I havent spoken since he moved in and that was about 3 years ago.

My point is this-Please dont say anything!! Their relationship is still pretty new and she is in the honeymoon phase. She is probably struggling with trying to balance her new life and old life, and there is an adjustment period. I wish my friend had kept her feelings on my Fiance to herself, because then we could have repaired the relationship.

Post # 10
Member
3261 posts
Sugar bee

I think you just have to stay quiet on this one. She seems like an intelligent woman according to your description, so I would let her make her own desicions.

Post # 13
Member
2142 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@kay01:

That’s totally fine that you don’t agree with my take. I’ve had many friends come and go in my life. The last one of which was when I started dating my husband and it was the first time in our relationship in which she was not the one dating. I’ve made numerous attempts to rekindle the friendship to no avail.

To me, friends come and go in your life. But a good family is there forever. And that’s why with ANY situation as close as our two best friends are and they really are the best. They are like family. But they are not family.

 

Post # 15
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

@kay01: Of course I feel like my relationship changed me for the better, since I decided to marry the guy 🙂 The reasons are too long to list, but I truely believe Ive become a better person since meeting him. My friend make a quick judgement about him before actually taking the time to get to know him. Maybe I should have done things differently, and tried to get them to know eachother better. But at the time I was SO hurt by what she was telling me, that I didn’t know what to do. I had never been that happy in my life, and she was making me feel terrible and guilty.

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