(Closed) Struggling with being newly single

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: How long did it take you to find love again after a heartbreak?

    0-6 months

    7-11 months

    1 to 2 years

    3 to 5 years

    Longer than 5 years

  • Post # 2
    Member
    971 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    I really think you’re doing well and need to not put pressure on yourself in terms of how long things will take you.  Take your time to mourn the loss of the relationship.  3 years is a long time and a lot of history that would be hard even if things ended amicably.  But this is even worse. And you will need time.  This is a break up and it’s a shock and it’s real pain.  

    I’d say probably almost every person could give you a story of being betrayed or heartbroken and still finding someone new.  It happens all the time.  You just have to give it time…which is the most frustrating advice, I know…but in my experience, it’s the truth.  

    Post # 3
    Member
    2887 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    View original reply
    jaydee824 :  I broke up with my ex Fi almost exactly 2 years ago to the day after I found him cheating on me with a coworker so I know exactly what you’re going through.

    What made it harder on me was that we lived at my place so he was the one to move out.  We had actually only lived together a few months because I wouldn’t let him move in unless we were engaged, so he didn’t have that much stuff to move out, but I kind of wish I had just moved myself and started fresh in a new place.  

    You will have good days and bad days like I and everyone else that has had a breakup will.  I’m not lying, the holidays will suck and I took a vacation right after Christmas that year so I could feel like I was starting the year new.  As far as how long it will take to date, everyone is different.  I started dating 2 month later.  That relationship lasted 6 months and it was very intense, not because it was a rebound, but I think because I was so starved for love after being cheated on that I fell for the guy much harder than I normally would have.

    I started dating my now Fiance a year after breaking up with my ex.  My Fiance proposed last month after 11 months together.  I had actually met him right before I started dating the 6 month guy, but we didn’t get together until several months later.  Because of the heartache with the 6 month guy, I was very cautious getting involved and it was really hard not to bring that baggage into the relationship.  But we talked about things a lot, and he was so sweet and aware of what I had gone through.  Not that he was walking on eggshells with me, but he knew that I had a low tolerance for BS.  It turns out I didn’t have to deal with any of the BS both my ex’s showed and I know it sounds cliche, but this relationship is so different than those.

    Don’t be hard on yourself and just expect yourself to be better by a certain date.  These things really do take time.  I expected myself to just one day wake up and be over it, but it didn’t work that way for me.  What I did do though is tell myself I wasn’t going to shed one more tear over what happened. I really had to have the attitude that it was his loss and not mine.  Treat yourself like you would your best friend  – you know things will get better.

    Post # 4
    Member
    5940 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2014

    View original reply
    jaydee824 :  I know you’re hurting, but boy, you dodged a bullet. I think when you just break up with someone all the couples somehow stand out more. Know what I mean? Just keep doing what you’re doing. Keep busy, don’t look him up, just move foreward and you will definitely find a guy that treats you right.

    Post # 5
    Member
    731 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I’m so sorry. This really sucks, but I want you to know you totally did the right thing by ending it. You really deserve to acknowledge that and be proud of yourself for figuring it out before you got married and for walking away. 

    You absolutely will find love again! Of course, you should give yourself time to grieve, as well as time to enjoy being single and independent. 

    If you really need a number on this, I have heard that it takes about a month for every year of the relationship to truly get over it. So for you getting over of this 3 year relationship, it could take about 3 months. Of course, everyone’s different. 

    I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years when I was just about to turn 30. I knew he was never going to propose and that deep down he wasn’t the right person for me. I grieved but after about 2 months I was totally over him and ready to date again. I met the guy I am now happily married to during that time. 

    It will get better, I promise!

    Post # 6
    Member
    2389 posts
    Buzzing bee

    You’re mourning not just the ex (or even mainly the ex) but the near-future life you were envisioning for yourself. You “lost” that when you broke up with your ex. It took me about 6 months after my last big breakup to truly start to pull myself together, rebuild my confidence, and be hopeful. 

    Once you hit that point, you realize that that beautiful life you were envisioning probably wouldn’t have been all that great anyway. You start to think about how many more options you have now, how much better equipped you are now to build an even BETTER future for yourself, etc. 

    It took me about 6 months to recover and start to be hopeful, and from there it was just a numbers game of puttin gmyself out there and trying to meet as many people as possible. There were a few misfires – guys I wasted too much time on – but those, too, taught me about what I *don’t* want in a life partner. 

    A year and a few months after my “life-shattering” breakup, I met current SO. He is a better person, more mature, treats me better, more family-oriented, etc than my ex. He is better for me in every single way, and I am grateful every day for that breakup. 

    Two years after my terrible breakup I’m living with the man of my dreams, we are creating my dream ring together, and we’ll be engaged within the next 7 months. And I’m 32. I know it’s annoying to hear, but YES, you have TRUCKLOADS of time! Don’t put so much pressure on yourself – just enjoy life and the process of learning and growing. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    1541 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    You are young. I know you don’t want to hear it, maybe you think it’s condescending for people to say that, but trust me 23 is really young to be worrying about this!!! 

    Post # 8
    Member
    5968 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2017

    It doesn’t matter how (old) or young someone is, heartbreak is heartbreak at any age. No one deserves to be cheated on an lied to, what a painful time you’re going through right now. 

    As Cliche as it sounds, everything will get better. This too shall pass. I think that almost everyone has gone through a painful heartbreak. Thank your lucky stars that you found out now and not years from now.  He doesn’t deserve you.  

    Post # 9
    Member
    790 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2005

    Stop with complaining about your age, you are 23 and whether it was in the plan or not in the plan, you still have plenty of time to meet the right person. I am 41 years old and I didnt marry my husband until I was 30 after two years of dating. 

    Dont force yourself to date because you are worried about your age. Thats when you will make mistakes and choose the wrong person. Let yourself heal, you have plenty of time to grow, you have plenty of time to find Mr. Right!!

    It sucks when relationships end, but at your age you have plenty of time. I know it sucks to mourn the life you thought you would have but now you can focus on growth and when you finally do meet Mr. Right you will look back on this time in your life as just a bump in the road.

     

    Post # 10
    Member
    47421 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    It’s hard to go through what you are experiencing I left my first husband when I found out about his cheating. The difference between us was that I was 29 and had two kids.

    It’s going to take time to heal, to know who you are again as an individual.

    The time period until you are ready to date will be different for everyone. In the meantime, busy yourself doing all those things you love to do with the people you love to be with.

    At some point you will be ready and you will know it.

    Post # 11
    Member
    2684 posts
    Sugar bee

    View original reply
    jaydee824 :  Your post is honestly almost mirror to my last relationship. I was dating a guy for 2.5 years and we lived together over a year and a half of that time….engaged almost a year. He had said “I care about you, but I don’t know if I love you enough to spend the rest of my life together” and then I shortly after found out he was cheating on me multiple times with multiple girls, some emotional (texting, dating profiles, etc) and some physical (had sex with his friend’s sister and some girl named Kayla). I moved out and back in with my parents. It took me a while, a lot of self talk, and a lot of spending time with family and friends. I found the happiness I thought I would never get back, gained back my confidence, realized a hell of a lot of things that I never ever would want to settle for……and got back out there. We broke up April 2014 (supposed to get married 10/2014) and I started dating my now fiance 1/2015 and we got engaged in October….wedding is set for 12/2/2017.

    Looking back and looking at what I have now, I am sooooo glad everything happened like it did. It was a super hard pill to swallow, but it made me learn more about myself and what I wanted/didn’t want out of life and my relationships. I am happier than I’ve EVER been and found a man who I can be COMPLETELY myself around.

    You will know when you are ready, but please take some time to heal and find yourself again. Be a hermit for a bit if you need to, but then get back out there and spend time with people you love doing things you love – even if it means finding new hobbies. I promise you, you will find someone more amazing than you ever thought and the past relationship will be a closed chapter. If you ever want or need to talk, please message me. I am always here. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    403 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    jaydee824 :  This is a tough deal, but it is a gift. Can you imagine finding this out 5 years into the marriage? Maybe with a child or two? You were lucky and made the right decision.

    Post # 14
    Member
    403 posts
    Helper bee

    PS I feel for any girl he gets involved with in the future. He’ll likely do it again.

    Post # 15
    Member
    3109 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

    My ex left after 13 years together, it was hard but truly the best thing to ever happen to me. I was 30 but I wasn’t focusing on finding a new husband, I just had fun. I met new people, dated, made new friends, went out, got my own little apartment, and 6 months later I met the man of my dreams when I wasn’t expecting to. We are now married with a baby on the way and I’ve never been happier. Just live for you right now, do whatever you need to, to feel good. Be self indulgent, connect more with single friends for the moment, have fun. It gets better every day. 

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