Struggling with boyfriend's uncertainty about me

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee

Maybe I’m harsh but hell would freeze over before I waited for a man to decide he was ready to commit.

Moving out is wise.  I would probably start seeing other people even if it was just casual.  I think waiting for him to feel “ready” sets a bad precedent.  If you get married, his Pererpanism will not fly, no pun intended.

He’s not a bad person for being honest about his fear of commitment, but he is taking care of himself right now and you need to do the same.

Post # 3
Member
929 posts
Busy bee

” I want to be with someone who can’t wait to marry me!” ….As you should Bee.

If you are also starting to question your relationship, moving out is def the best thing for the both of you. Forever is a very long time to be with someone and to make that type of commitment if you both have doubts and uncertainty.

Post # 4
Member
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

What a tough situation bee. I give your boyfriend credit for being completely honest with you. I think he probably really doesn’t know what’s holding him back…he just knows he’s not there yet, and because he doesn’t understand his own hesitation, he’s unable to give you any kind of timeline for getting there.

That SUCKS for you. I totally understand how it would impact your self esteem. You must feel as though you’re on trial…constantly having to show him how great you are and how wonderful a marriage with you would be. That would take a toll on anyone over time, so I’m not surprised that you’re beginning to have doubts about him too. If it were me, I’d reach a point of being like “You know what, I know my own worth even if you don’t!” and would have to leave. 

I think it’s really smart that you’re moving out. It may very well be that this relationship has run its course. You just can’t go on like this, constantly wondering when you will be enough for your partner, it’s no way to live.

You don’t deserve 90% or even 99%….you deserve 100%. And I think what you said in your last paragraph makes a lot of sense – I certainy relate to it. Am I 100% sure my upcoming marriage is going to result in a happily ever after? Honestly, no, although I am pretty confident! But I am 100% sure I want to marry my Fiance and give it my all. 

Post # 5
Member
14949 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

6 years of my life was spent waiting for someone “to be sure”.  I wish I’d known better back then that I shouldn’t have wasted time waiting for someone who is trying to get over the fear of commiting to me.  Or convince themselves that they should commit.  I should be with someone who fears NOT being with me, and can’t wait to commit and doesn’t have to try to convince themselves that they should!  After I left him and met my now Darling Husband, we were engaged within 2 years.

Post # 6
Member
1217 posts
Bumble bee

I like your game plan…. moving out and spending more time with your friend, on hobbies, interests, etc is a wise idea.

I fully understand that marriage is a big step, and should not be entered into without some serious consideration…. so I, too, appreciate the fact that your Boyfriend or Best Friend is being honest with you. but seriously? He doesn’t get to have his cake and eat it too. Of course he doesn’t want you to move out…. he gets to live with you and gets to enjoy you, your relationship, the meals you make for him, the fun shared times, the sex, … etc while he is still ‘thinking’. Not fair to you  at all.

I’m sorry if this comes across as harsh because I don’t want to put you down at ALL…. but I think it’s unfair/ unrealistic for him to put you in this position. I would also be ‘busy’ with other things in the future… certainly not to punish him but I think he needs to know fully well what he’s missing out on. He isn’t going to figure this out if you are standing there questioning him ‘how about now? are you ready now? when will you be ready? How much more time is necessary?’ …. Just move on and focus on yourself and what YOU really want out of your life.

Post # 7
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I feel like if he was 100% sure he wanted to be with you forever, but wasn’t quite ready for marriage or engagement yet — that’d be okay. You’re both still young, and even though you’ve been dating for quite a while, I think not being ready for the next step is understandable as long as you have no doubts about the person and feel confident that you will become ready in due time. A lot of external things can affect this, like readiness to feel fully “grown up” or be a parent or buy a home or whatnot.

However, having doubts about YOU is a lot trickier. I agree that by ~2 years, you should know if your partner is your forever person or not. And I think that not knowing is the same as no, in most cases. I dated someone for 4 years, and I remember talking to my mom about it and going on and on about how I just wasn’t sure if he was the right guy for me to end up with but I didn’t know why, and I just couldn’t decide one way or another. She said, “If you don’t know, then you DO know, and the answer is no.” And she was right. That doesn’t bode very positively on your situation, but that’s been my experience. 

I think moving out is a really good idea. He might turn around and realize he loves you and misses you and can’t live without you and he’s been sure all along and just getting in his own way, which would be great! Or you both might realize that the space apart isn’t as hard as you thought it would be and that maybe you’re both better off finding people you’re completely sure of. 

This must be a really challenging time for you bee, so make sure to take care of yourself through this. You’ll make it out stronger one way or another, but self-care during the tough times is crucial. Best wishes!

Post # 8
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee

Why would you settle for THIS? I WISH a man WOULD be unsure about me. He would be out the door so fast, his head will spin.  Uggh! I dont understand why this is even a question.  Men date women to ‘pass the time’ all the time. I am sure you heard the story before…man dates woman for 10 years and doesnt want to give her marriage. Then he dates other chick for a year and they’re engaged. Men tell us what they want. We just dont want to hear it. He sees you as good enough for now. My own boyfriend (who I love dearly – God bless his heart) dated a woman (before me) for a year and never wanted to label their relationship although she wanted it. He only dated me 2 months and I was his girlfriend. Love is not enough. Walk away if he doesnt love you enough.

Post # 9
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

This has happened to me. I stepped back immediately and took a good hard look at my own life – I was disgusted at myself when I realized how much I had put on hold waiting for him to decide to be with me.

I started focusing on my own plans as if he wasn’t in the picture. Serious plans like saving for my own home, career opportunities, lifestyle changes that wouldn’t have been convenient with him around. It actually made me feel much happier with myself and much more confident. He did propose a few months later and when he did, I said no. It was wierd, like I realized how free I was without this dream-future-on-his-timeline weighing on me and I didn’t want to go back.

Post # 10
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

My SO and I went through something slightly similar in the sense that when I brought up wanting to marry him after our 2nd anniversary he admitted that he wasn’t sure and that he hadn’t thought about it. I think for him, and possibly your boyfriend, deciding that he wanted to marry me/anyone was as big of a committment as marriage and he wasn’t really ready to admit that until he was SURE. And he just hadn’t really thought about it at that point. We were stupidly happy as we were so I just don’t think he considered our relationship changing in any way, good or bad. But marriage was/is important to me and I told him that. So he said he would think about all we talked about.

I, too, spent some time away from him (for immigratiton purposes lol, not because of this issue) and I find out that he secretly bought a ring already while I was gone (it’s not on my finger yet, but the point still stands). He told me that after thinking about things he did agree that there was something compelling about making our commitment official and that he also liked the symbolism os uf declaring that in front of friends & family. I hope your time apart will give you some clarity and perhaps your boyfriend will feel more sure about all this.

I think you’ll never be 100% sure about anything in life, and that’s ok! You just have to be 100% willing to give it your everything. I think we’ve all been kinda spoonfed that ‘when you know, you know’ struck-by-lightning, head-over-heels type of love is what’s ‘supposed’ to happen. But marriage is supposed to be a serious decision and I think the fact that he’s taking his time to think about this and is keeping you in-the-loop with his thoughts means that he does take it very seriously.

 

Good luck, bee! Please keep us updated on how this goes!

Post # 12
Member
2080 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I don’t think your Boyfriend or Best Friend is doing anything wrong by letting you know how he feels. However, I would fear that living with someone who has not made up his mind about me would deteriorate my self esteem and shift the dynamic of the relationship so that I am always trying to measure up. This is not a good situation to be in. You should feel loved and cherished by your partner, not weighed and measured for suitability. If he is not sure about you that is reason enough to not be sure about him. I think taking a step back is wise. Know that you are just as valuable and deserving as your partner and focus on giving yourself the certainty and love that he is unable to give you right now.

Post # 14
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2007

I would never wait for anyone to make a decision about ME. Never. I’m glad you are moving out and hope you find clarity. Good luck!

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