- 3 years ago
Such a long post, it’s so hard to explain everything concisely, sorry!
I am 25, my partner is 26 and we’ve been together for 2 and half years now. About 6 months ago I had a serious discussion with him about his intentions for our future as we were moving in together imminently, and I had chosen a university which allowed us to do this even though it put me in vulnerable position if the relationship ended (silly, I know, I shouldn’t have assumed he was on exactly the same page as me before actually talking about it!). It was like he’d never properly considered it, and he said that although he was sure he wanted marriage and children in the future, he wasn’t sure about me specifically … but definitely saw a future together. After 2 years together I found it hurtful, I thought if he was ever going to be sure, he’d know by now wouldnt he?! I must not be good enough in some way for him, or he’s waiting for something better. He was sad to make me so upset but wanted to be honest, and I really appreciated that. We agreed that I would give it some more time and he would start thinking about it seriously whilst we were living together, and decided to wait for the summer.
It started to really get to me again in the past month. Eventually I had to bring it up and told him he needed to make his mind up as it was destroying me (it really feels like that sometimes, it brings my self esteem down just thinking about it). He says his feelings are all going in the right direction and he’s “nearly” there; today he said it was over 90% – so strange to put a percentage on something like this but I guess it works! I just don’t know what to believe anymore though. I want to be with someone who can’t wait to marry me! I want to be able to trust that they won’t change their mind! I want to really feel like they can’t imagine NOT marrying me. He has always absolutely maintained that he can’t pinpoint any specific reasons for why he’s not sure, even when I have asked in a calm way and made him aware I just want to know so we can work on anything.
I’m overthinking everything now, I’m feeling completely consumed by it. At times I have imagined ending the whole relationship so I don’t have to worry about it any more, but my overwhelming feeling is that I love him and I want to wait to see what happens. He is a lovely person and he has always treated me in a loving and kind way. (Apart from a few occasions but I think most people have those silly moments! I’m not perfect either.)
We’ve decided I will move out after my exams this May as I think this will give us both some clarity, and help me feel more in control. He would rather we stayed living together but is willing to make it work with a bit of distance if I think it will help me cope with waiting. I am hoping to see more of my friends and not focus so much on my relationship that all I am doing is wondering if everything is going to be okay!
Recently I know he’s been googling “commitment phobia”, which is interesting as he has always been someone who said he really wanted to be settled down some day and that the idea didn’t scare him at all (he’s even agreed he feels like this when I have asked him to imagine that person is me). He’s also searching things like “is it possible to be 100% sure about anything” and “relationship OCD”. I know my boyfriend does struggle with more general OCD, but not terribly and he has had a bit of therapy for it.
In the past week since it has all come up again I have even started to wonder if I am sure about him too … I always felt so sure before so this is weird for me. Maybe I just never thought about it properly. Is 100% sure possible if you really think about it? I am certainly 100% sure I want to do my best to make it work but I suppose I am not 100% sure he is the absolute best person in the world for me or that I will be happy with him forever, how could anyone truly know that?!
If you read all this you deserve a medal! I’d really welcome any thoughts you have on anything. It’s been quite helpful for me to just write it all down to be honest.
Boyfriend of 2.5 years still not “sure” about me, but cannot explain anything about why and I dont even get the feeling he is holding something back! It’s causing me a lot of hurt and I’d like any advice you can give me.