(Closed) Struggling with boyfriend's uncertainty about me

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
542 posts
Busy bee

you’ve gotten great advice so far, and of course you moving out was the best move!! i agree, please start dating other people as well while he figures himself out. no sense wasting your own time too just because he’s doing it.

curious- how do you know what he’s been googling?

Post # 17
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

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sillylillian :  I really, really, really feel for you bee. My situation is a tad different, but when I first asked my SO if he was thinking about marriage or a future with me ~4-5 months or so in, he kind of panicked and said he wasn’t sure and didn’t know and that was a lot to take in and process, and he needed more time. I realized that it was definitely too soon to talk about it, and I backed off of the conversation until he brought it up a couple months later (thankfully to say that yes he did want a future with me and it had just taken him a little longer to figure it out).

However, during those few months where I didn’t know where his head was at or if he was going to decide he was sure about me or not, I cried a lot and couldn’t focus on school and just felt downright miserable and worthless. Which I know isn’t at all healthy, but it’s hard not to feel like your world is crumbling in that situation! But at the end of the day, I wasn’t worthless in those moments, and neither are you now. You have so much worth, and you bring so much to this relationship and to life in general, and you are surely an incredible and kind and smart and talented person — and none of that has anything to do with a boy, that’s all just you being you! Remind yourself of that often, and don’t forget how much value you have and how much you’re worth, with or without this particular guy at your side. 

I really really really empathize, and I sincerely hope your boyfriend comes to his senses and realizes he can’t imagine a future without you. But if not, you’ll find someone else who can’t live without you! 26 is still young — lots of bees on here didn’t meet their spouses until 30+, hopefully one will chime in. 

It will all be okay in the end, and if it’s not okay, it’s not the end. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 18
Member
10544 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Don’t stay with a man who is only 90% sure about you.

Post # 19
Member
298 posts
Helper bee

Wow I had to check the date this was written and the poster name because my DH said the exact same thing to me – “he said that although he was sure he wanted marriage and children in the future, he wasn’t sure about me specifically … but definitely saw a future together. After 2 years together I found it hurtful, I thought if he was ever going to be sure, he’d know by now wouldn’t he?!” And I thought the same thing!

I wasn’t living with him at the time and we were together for about a 1.5 years.  So I just said alright, I’m breaking up with you because I want to find someone that can see those things with me.  I packed up all the things I had at his place and left.  I was fully prepared to start over (after some time to myself for healing from the break up).

About a week after this happened he asked to meet up and we talked and he basically said he was dumb and if I wanted to he would marry me right now.  I said um let’s get engaged and have a long engagement because I did really like him but that whole thing didn’t sit right with me.  We went ring shopping right away and hand a ring within a month.  We were engaged for 1.5 years but the whole wedding planning process really brought us surprising closer and we are still together with kids!

Not to say your story will end like this but I guess there is still hope.  I’m just shocked how almost word for word was the sentence that made me leave DH was.

I would suggest you doing what I did and just break it off.  You deserve someone that wants to marry you.  That’s how I felt when I left.

Edit : I want to clarify that at our 1 year anniversary I made it clear to DH that marriage was important to me and I would be talking to him again at 1.5 years about it but not mentioning it again.  Silly me I thought he would really think about it because I told him how important it was to me and maybe even propose by then.  So when I talked to him at our 1.5 years, he totally forgot what I told him 6 months before and he said that.  I was PISSED!  Hence the walking out.

I don’t want to sound like a total jerk but I would have been okay if he told me he thought about it and would like more time or even better had a timeline for us!  But no he didn’t think about it at all and he said that line.  Of course I walked.  Heck yeah I was going to find someone better than him!!  Sorry these are just things I thought of as I was walking out of that relationship.  I mean I love him now but he definitely made me mad back then and he knows it!

Post # 20
Member
9576 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

So you guys are still in university? That’s awful young to commit to a life partner. Move out and live your life. It might still end up working out with him but I don’t blame him for being unsure at 20 years or whatever. 

Post # 22
Member
2326 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Boy Bye

Post # 23
Member
10544 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

All I can do is tell you what I know in my life. I was with my ex 7 years, he was a terrible partner and never would have or wanted to marry me despite staying with me seven years.

I met DH in June of 2013 and it was very much love at first sight. We even joked to our friends who were there when we met that we were going to be husband and wife. We spent from June 2013 to Dec 2013 getting to know each other long distance before officially deciding to date long distance mid Dec 2013. By this time, we were both 100% for sure and all in that we wanted to be married to one another. After 6 months of LD dating, DH had a change in life circumstance and moved 4 hours away from everything he knew to move in with me in July 2014. August 2014 was the first time he took me too look at rings. We didn’t end up  getting engaged until Nov 2015 but that was due to needing to be able to afford the ring, not because he wasn’t ready or didn’t want to.

So for me, I think when you meet the right person, you know. I never knew with my ex the way I knew when I started getting to know DH. My DH would tell you he knew 100% the first time he ever saw me, but wanted to be smart and not rush into something.

ETA: This is just my personal experience, and all I can tell you is what I have been through so please take that as you will.

Post # 24
Member
9576 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

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sillylillian :  okay, better than 20 but I still don’t know anyone who got married till 28, 29 etc. You need to decide if you prioritize getting married NOW or marrying him in particular. Either way I’d move out and follow your gut. I totally agree about marrying someone who can’t wait to marry you. Reluctant FIs are future Ex-husbands.

Post # 26
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I wonder a lot about something you asked: when does a guy have to be 100% sure? People say on here over and over and over and over to waiting bees that if he’s not sure or he’s not ready to marry you right this instant, then you’re wasting your time and should find someone who is ready. And for some people that makes sense, but I think that for the vast majority of relationships, love at first sight doesn’t really happen and it takes either one or both parties a little bit longer to be completely sure. I’m glad it worked out that way for PP, but I don’t think that advice holds true for everyone nor does it make couples who did fall in love at first sight any better or worse than those that took their time or were a little more cautious in the beginning. 

But I guess I still have the same question as you, I don’t really know when that arbitrary cut-off time is of when people should be completely sure about each other… Some people probably just naturally take longer, but you also don’t want to spend years of your life waiting for someone to come around. It’s a really tricky situation :/ I’m inclined to believe that ~2-3 years should be the maximum amount of time uncertainty is tolerated before both partners realize it’s not in the cards for them, with that time limit being extended if the relationship starts at a really young age (high school or early college, say). But again, I feel like that’s arbitrary, and a lot is at stake either way — either you lose the love of your life by not waiting it out longer, or you lose years of your life feeling miserable and insecure which is time that you could have spent finding yourself or finding the actual man of your dreams.

This isn’t a very helpful post other than to say that I’m not sure, but I think that bees who say that you have to know immediately aren’t really being fair or realistic, although it’s great that it worked out that way for them. It definitely takes some time, but probably depends on the individual couple how long they’re willing to wait to make sure. If you’re not willing to wait any longer, no matter how long it’s been, I think that’s completely valid. 

Post # 27
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2026

My fiance, who reminds me very much of yours, said this about HIS OWN percentage response:

“You only give a percentage to placate someone being pushy. The number is fake.”

Obviously we ended up engaged anyway. But was I happy about that? NOPE.

Post # 28
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee

Is it possible he’s having doubts about commitment because of something in particular? For example, many couples think that having children is just something that naturally follows marriage. They don’t bother to discuss it, or to say “Hey, we should maybe put this on hold until we’re financially and emotionally ready for them.” Could his uncertainty be stemming from an uncertainty about your abilities to support children at the moment? 

 

It might help to discuss this. Maybe he needs to realize that the big steps in life don’t all have to come one after the other, or even at all. I’m not saying that kids are the thing he’s afraid about, but it could be something like that – buying a house, etc. Basically, maybe he thinks that it all comes as a package deal and he’s not ready to take it all on at once. 

Post # 29
Member
427 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - State Park

I’m wondering how much of this is poor communication/timing. You’ve always seen yourself married by 26. When did he see himself married? Had he ever thought of it particularly? Did you communicate about wanting to be married and maybe married to him before all this started?

 

It sounds like things were going along fine and progressing and then one day everything shifted. It could well be that he just hadn’t thought specifically about it, and that’s a really big switch to make. Especially if you hadn’t openly had conversations about it. 

I would relax about specific timelines… if the plan is forever then why does it matter when particular bases are tagged? I’d say that if at 26 he’s able to be 90% sure that he’s going to want something when he’s 86, you’re doing pretty good. 

Without timelines and marriage specifics, just day-to-day, how is the relationship?

Make your decision based on that. Don’t let your self-worth get wrapped up in something that’s ultimately pretty arbitrary. What’s different about living together and being in a relationship vs marriage? That’s a good question for you both to really think about. 

Let it happen more naturally, don’t force him to be on your timeline (the same way you don’t want to be forced to be on his). Have some open conversations about what you each imagine for yourselves. Do the big-picture pieces fit? If so, the rest will probably fall into place. 

It just sounds to me like some communication steps were missed and he’s trying to catch up. And like maybe 25-26 is a lot younger than you’re imagining it to be. 

Post # 30
Member
4813 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
sillylillian :  I think moving out is the healthiest decision for you.  My suggestion would be to read about the emotional 180 (link below).  Although intended for someone going through a divorce, there is a lot of good advice on rebuilding self esteem which I think may help you.   Wishing you all the best.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

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