Struggling with boyfriend's uncertainty about me

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

sillylillian :  Do you think it’s possible that my boyfriend is still coming to the realisation that you need to be 100% about making it work not necessarily 100% about the person being perfect? Oh god I’m clinging on to hope!

While anything is possible, the point I was trying to make in my post is that it’s not good for YOU to remain in a relationship indefinitely with a person who is just not sure about you, because there might be a “chance” he’ll decide you’re good enough some day. You said this is already wrecking your self esteem…trust me, it will only get worse from here. Your boyfriend is not a villain, which might actually make this harder–he’s just a 26 yr old guy who doesn’t know what he wants in life and has no idea when he will know. And you are his unfortunate partner. 

You need to prioritize YOU here…because I can guarantee you that your bf is prioritizing himself. I would leave the relationship…not in some angry huff, just be honest and tell him you love him but you want someone who is not 90% about you, not even 100%…you want someone who is EXCITED and thanking his LUCKY STARS that he gets to spend his life with you. 

 

Post # 32
Member
2332 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Also any man that let’s you move out over this issue is willing to let you go. No thanks.

And anyone that Googles “commitment phobia” also no.

Post # 33
Member
7905 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Don’t waste your time on that kind of stress and anguish with him. It sounds like you’re coming to the realization that he’s not the right one. 2.5 years is not that long in the big picture. It’s never too late to make a change for a new beginning. Consider the relationship as a learning experience. A better situation is just around the corner. 

Post # 34
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee

I think it’s normal to worry about a few ‘what ifs’. Some people are just more worrisome or analytical, or tend to overthink EVERYTHING. I do think their personality is worth considering, as I and my dude are both this way. We are both scared and will never be the happy-go-lucky sort. But there are also gut feelings to consider, and I do find it odd that he said it was YOU he was hesitant about. My boyfriend has been having some doubts (short term; literally yesterday) but through our whole relationship he’s expressed interest in marrying me and it only takes him a few days to calm down and realize he over-reacted about something the rare times this happens (in this case, seeing his married friend struggling).

 

This sounds really tough to deal with, and I do think that moving out is a good idea. It could let you both calm down, have some space, and see if you really miss each other. Better analyze what each person brought into the relationship and where each person would want it to go.

People definitely view moving in together differently, but I also understand that you don’t necessarily think to stop and say “what does this MEAN to you?”

Post # 35
Member
47 posts
Newbee

He might be experiencing relationship anxiety, I also went through this and found this counselling website tremendously helpful and insightful! Once I knew where my fears were coming from, I was able to get over them and just enjoy my relationship http://conscious-transitions.com/

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