(Closed) Struggling with FI on Formality of Wedding… Help!

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I had this same problem.  My now hubby shot down all of my ideas but didnt want to help plan anything.  If your Fiance is dead set on white tie formal, have him arrange it.  If counters that ‘its the brides day’ (like my husband did), tell him to back off then. 

How big a deal would it be to have the guys in super formal suits?  How willing are you to change the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses.  In the end, husband (can you tell I like saying husband!) and his family just went along with all of my decisions.  For me, I had always had an idea of the type of wedding I wanted.  My husband just figured that our wedding would be like all the others he had attended and was super skeptical that I was throwing out so many traditions.  Is you Fiance concerned that your wedding wont be fancy enough by his friends/family standards or is this really something that he has always envisioned?

Post # 4
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Tough one!

I know that it is easy to say that it is the bride’s day and therefore what you say goes, but I think you might want to compromise a little on this issue.  Why?  Because it is a day that your groom will also remember and maybe his side of the family thinks like him, so 1/2 of your guests would feel more comfortable if you add touches that are familiar to them.  Now, the issue is how do you define compromise?

Maybe a more formal ceremony with a casual reception – you could change clothes and have pictures of both.  What about the white folding wood chairs rather than adirondacks.  Or, you could have a casual seating area with the chairs that you prefer under a tree or casual spot within the backyard. 

Does this make sense?  I know that this is tough for you and I feel your pain.  I hope it words out.

Post # 5
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Oh yuck.  I think I’d feel the same way about, "Why does he have to care so much?  Most guys don’t care."  But if you look on the bright side, I think that part of his personality you’ll probably enjoy.  He’ll still want to look nice when you go out after you’ve been married for years.  Not like a slob, or someone uncoordinated.  Also,  keep focusing on the part where you’re super lucky to be marrying your prince. 

Where there’s a will there’s a way.  Unfortunately for you, you’ve had to make some compromises on your vision.  But it’s right to compromise because it’s his day too.  I’ve seen really cool weddings that incorporate casual or rustic (think barn or log cabin) with super elegant.  Can you do this with your parents’ estate?  Also you mentioned the tux being too formal for the daytime.  Can you change it to the evening?  Of course I love candles.  So I’d be on top of that.  I’m not sure what type of tux he’s looking at, but I think a rather simple tux would be OK for the daytime.  But I agree that it might seem awkward to have tuxes and sundresses.  Can you kick up the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses to be more formal, but simple?  Keep them knee length but a more sophisticated fabric?  And your husband can be in a tux.  But the GMs can be in nice suits with matching vests and ties, with the Bridesmaid or Best Man colors?  Maybe he can keep the ring bearer in a tux, to look like a minigroom??

Could you do a formal cocktail hour, and a relaxed dinner? Maybe the tables can be understated but with unique centerpieces, that make him feel like it’s a traditional formal wedding.

I think there are possibilities for you. 

Post # 6
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

compromise, compromise, compromise, this is the begininng!

Post # 7
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Well, marriage is all about compromise, so that includes the wedding too. I think it’s actually cute that ur Fiance actually cares a lot about the wedding because that day would be as important to him as it would be 4 u. So I think the situation would warrant more extended discussion between you two to find the right compromise. It’s a reasonable demand from him to want some formality but in the same time it’s also reasonable for u to want ur wedding day look cohesive. It’s important to have the wedding incorporate both of your guys’ tastes without it looking too out of whack. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t want it to look too weird too so there’s the common ground that both of you can come back to.

One thing you may do is that you can give him options in which he can make choices that would be to his liking but would be cohesive to what you have already chosen (or certain things you’re not willing to compromise). He should do the research and report back to you to see if it would work. Maybe u’r currently doing all the research & just reporting back to him only to have him veto your choices. That of course is frustrating. but if he has to his own legwork to satisfy his own taste and urs, he may be sensible in his approach to negotiate with you. Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
2271 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I am having an early evening summer wedding in one of the gardens at the college where I teach. I guess the style is semi-formal. My attendants are wearing made in India long burgundy boho sun dresses. They are also wearing cymbidium orchid hairclips and carrying  bouquets of the same flowers. The menfolk (groom and groomsmen) are wearing dark grey suits with burgundy vests underneath and burgundy ties. This is because my h2b was married twice before in large lavish ceremonies and he absolutely refuses to wear a tux!

The men will be wearing boutonairres (no I do not know how to spell that!) of the same cymbidium orchid (white with burgundy centers). I thought this all might be too informal but my silk florist (who is also a wedding planner) told me that this was actually something called simplistic elegance with an European flair. Wow-wee like I was thinking of simple elegance with an European flair. So I guess my point is that with a different perspective, perhaps your fiance will view things a bit differently.
Maybe you could try showing him a few pics of something a little more rsemi-formal.

Post # 9
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I just got married and I’m much more simple than my wedding turned out. I wanted to have a backyard affair, much like yours, but it didn’t happen. That being said, my bridesmaids wore sundresses and my groomsmen wore tuxes. They didn’t wear a bow tie or a vest, just a long tie. I’ll attach a photo (I don’t have my proofs yet, this is off the photographer’s Web site).

It worked and it looked great. My groom also wore a white tux and I had a looooong white dress on. Whatever you want to do, it’ll look fine. Maybe you and your Fiance should be the fanciest, and your Bridesmaid or Best Man and Groomsmen could be more casual? That’s what we did.

(ignore the watermark on the pic, plz).

[attachment=204630,18831]

Post # 10
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

wow great pics

Post # 11
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

mine?

Post # 12
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I totally had the exact same issue. We are together on the venue, music everything, except pretty much the attire. My girls are in yellow cotton dresses and he wanted the guys all in tuxes. (I wanted him to wear a khaki suit/tux so bad though!) I ended up compromising that he could be in a tux (he also wanted to buy it so he could get it tailored), and the guys can be in black suits. It was much easier that way.

I haven’t won everything but I feel better with little victories. I think he does too. Just give him some and he’ll give you some back. 

Post # 14
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Thats basically what we did. If he wants to wear a tux, let him, just make sure the groomsmen look more ‘casual.’ You can also dress up the sundresses with jewelry and hair styles.

Post # 15
Member
2271 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Sounds great!

Post # 16
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I’ve learned that most of the time in a compromise, no one gets what she wants. It’s about giving a little so each of you can have an aspect of what you want. And it’s important that he get a voice, too, so I’d urge you to consider some of the advice already given about making your idea a little more formal. Of course, he’ll have to "give" a little too, but so will you.

The only other thing I’d suggest is explaining to him what you want and why it’s important to you, as well as showing him examples of what you’re thinking about so he can take it seriously instead of it being a foreign concept. 

The topic ‘Struggling with FI on Formality of Wedding… Help!’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors