- 8 years ago
- Wedding: October 2015
So BF and I had a very important and enlightening conversation last night. We had had a fight yesterday and made up. Actually, I’m not sure I would even call it a fight, more like an argument. But we resolved it and worked it out.
Anyway, every time BF and I have a fight, argument or butt heads in any way, it makes me a little nervous afterwards. But I want to make it clear that I’m not afraid to tell him when he is pissing me off or annoying me and he’s not afraid to tell me. We can fight and when we do fight, it’s always productive. We never raise our voices or call each other names. It’s more like “I’m pissed at you right now and this is why I’m mad.” Then we calmly explain our reasons and work it out. I love that we can fight like this.
But after the fight, I always have this sinking, worrying feeling that this is one fight too many and that he’ll break up with me. As long as we don’t fight, I have confidence that he won’t break up with me. But when we do fight, I start to think “Are we fighting too much? Is he going to get tired of me and this relationship?”
The reason I’m like this is because of my ex. I am 25 and BF is 28. This is our second serious relationship, for both of us. I guess you can say we are both a little shy and/or late bloomers.
My last serious relationship was when I was 18. My high school boyfriend and I never fought but that was because I never had the nerve to stand up to him and tell him what I wanted. I always let him get his way and decide what we were going to do and when and how we were going to do it. Looking back, I realize this was NOT healthy at all. And my foolish teenage self thought that we were going to end up married someday. Stupid, I know. But my parents and grandparents were high school sweethearts so that contributed to my belief that my ex and I would marry after high school.
Anyway, because I thought our relationship was so great, I never saw it coming when he broke up with me. There were no signs, nothing. And it devastated me, it truly did. It took me about two years to get over him completely. Pathetic, I know.
And since then, I casually dated but never entered into a serious relationship again until I met my BF. And I love my BF. We are so perfect for each other in every way. We actually fight but it’s always productive fights. I can talk to him anything and tell him things I NEVER told my ex. He just gets me. And I get him.
Which is why I know I want to marry him someday. But I can’t help but get nervous when BF and I fight. I am terrible at reading people and I feel like I can’t trust my own judgment of how well a relationship is going. So to deal with that, I sort of mentally prepare myself for the worst scenario. I try to be prepared for if BF breaks up with me.
And this frustrates BF to no end. He told me that it bothers him that I don’t have confidence in his feelings for me and our relationship even though he’s frequently said things that should give me confidence. For example, we have this game that we do. If one of us accidentally does something that slightly annoys the other (like not closing the shower curtain, something small like that), we’ll say “Still love me even though I didn’t close the shower curtain?” And he’ll smile and say “Always.”
And he’s told me himself that he wants to marry me. He wants to move in together in January and eventually get married when he’s finished with school and has a job.
And I believe him when he says it in that moment. I believe that he means it in that moment. But there is a small part of me that thinks “Well you feel that way NOW…but what if your feelings change in the future?” So I just try to mentally prepare myself for that.
I know it’s insecurity…I know that. But knowing and making my insecurity and lack of confidence go away are two different things. And it REALLY bothers BF that I don’t have that confidence in his feelings for me and our relationship.
So I guess I’m asking y’all, how do I get over this? What can I do to make myself feel less insecure about our future together? To be clear, I’m not insecure about MY feelings for him. I know I’ll love him forever. It’s just his feelings for me and if they’ll last forever that I’m insecure about.
And if you read this whole thing, I am amazed. Lol sorry, did NOT mean to type this much!