Post # 1
DH and I had agreed to wait till next year before TTC, and I was going great with that. I wasn’t ready for babies, but loved them, and really looked forward to being pregnant next year (if all goes well). Seeing pregnancy and baby posts on FB brought a smile to my face, and walking past maternity and baby clothes shops made me light up.
All that changed when, a few weeks ago, my closest friend told me she was pregnant. I’m ashamed to say that I don’t feel as happy for her as I should 🙁 I feel jealous, I don’t feel like talking to her much because I don’t want to hear about it, and I have to fake a smile.
It helps that they’ve been married 3 years longer than us, and she’s a couple of years old than me. It doesn’t help that I have an irrational fear, based on nothing, that we’ll struggle to fall pregnant. It also doesn’t help that she’s made casual and contradicting remarks about whether or not they were trying.
The rational side of me knows we’re not ready yet, but something in me wants to just get started now. It doesn’t make sense that I’m jealous of someone having something I don’t even want yet.
Any one else struggle with feelings of jealousy at other people’s pregnancies, and irrational and unfounded fears of infertility? I just want to be a good friend 🙁
Post # 3
I never really had pregnancy jealousy or the baby fever everyone talks about. Babies are nice and I knew I wanted one at some point and that was pretty much it. But I did have the completely irrational fears of infertility. I think a lot of it was fueled by lurking on the TTC boards. Seeing so many women struggle to get or stay pregrant made me realize it isn’t as easy as it seems sometimes.
These fears, plus the fact that my DH was beyond ready for kids, made us move up our TTC timeline by a few months, and resulted in my getting pregnant before I really felt ready. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to be a mom this spring but I definitely had a moment of “Whoa! What have I done?” early on.
Babies are adorable but it is a huge life change so don’t dive in before you’re really ready. I know it’s hard, but try to be happy for your friend. Your time will come, too.
Post # 4
I have always been firm on needing to be married before having kids. We said we would wait a year or so after we got married. Our wedding night was the only exception to not using protection and we decided it would be neat if it panned out that way (unfortunately it didn’t happen). Then 1 months after the wedding I walked into Chipotle and I saw a lady with a baby and I got baby fever. I told my husband that night, but though we both wanted to say lets go for it we both held back and said lets stick to the plan. Then in Dec around ovulation, I came clean and said I want one now and he said he did too. One big reason why, was what if we had fertility issues, at least we would find out sooner that later. We decided we would start trying, yet we still haven’t got a positive. He mentioned how people want to wait to save money, and then there is a trip you might still want to take that would be impossibe…but in the end it may never be the right time. I’m not trying to talk you into anything just wanted tell you I had the same dilema.
Post # 5
@winerygirl: The jealousy your feeling is totally normal. Try your hardest to be happy for your friend and know that your day will come. Your fear of infertilty is justified. Especially if you have read any of the threads on here. I had the same fear, unfortunately for me, we have been TTC for 8 months with no luck and are now going through testing and fertility doctors. But none of this means you should start trying until you are good and ready. You will be a mom someday 🙂
Post # 6
@winerygirl: I think it’s normal to be a bit jealous, but yeah, if you can get a handle on those irrational fears it would be good. I’m the queen of irrational fears… it sucks to have them… it just destroys you, and for no good reason!
There’s no logical reason to expect that you won’t get pregnant.. and it’s not like we’re talking years here before you can start to try.
If I were you, I’d use her as a resource. Like if you have questions about pregnancy etc. It’s also probably in your best interest to be nice to her since your kids will likely be around the same age, so you’ll have a built in support system/play date for the next 10+ years! You need to think about the future here. Also, I am sure you want her to be a good friend to you when you’re pregnant.
Try getting baby off the brain. Come up with a pre-baby bucket list. Get a hobby. Distract yourself because pretty soon you’ll only have babies on the brain and you might wish you relished your last months of not being a parent a bit more.
Post # 7
I understand your feelings completely. I was exactly the same. I would just say that the grass often looks greener, you know? I’m pregnant now and it’s a wonderful thing, but it’s also hysically hard, a lot of responsibility, and I’m sure there are pregnant women who look at their non-pregnant friends thinking they wish they could do some of the things they can do..so I would just enjoy your pre-TTC time as much as possible.
You could always start learning about charting and TTC things in more detail and then you would be working towards a successful TTC time.
Good luck. Jealousy re babies and pregnancy is entirely normal! It’s a huge step, and your friend has taken it so you are bound to feel mixed emotions.
Post # 8
I never really got jeoulos or baby feber when i wasnt ready for a kid myself. Now, all my friends and DH friends already have kids, so its been a while since i’ve been around preggo women and never got the itch that i wanted the same, but now that im ready to have a baby and DH and i want it so bad, yes, i do get a bit jeoulos of those friends that have kids, especially in the summer when we get together and they bring their kids and share stories/plans that they are going to like Sesame Place or Disney with their kids and I m like”i wanna do that with my kids”, but wait i have none yet grrrrr!!…..I think its only human nature to feel like that, I dont think you are being a bad friend. FAking a smile helps, i guess, i fake it, too, most of the time. I don’t want to, but i cant help it.
Feel better, girl! 😉
Post # 9
I know what you mean. We recently got married but we’ve been talking about kids for a couple of years now. I knew it wasn’t the right time initially, but I couldn’t help but be jealous of anyone that was pregnant. Believe me, I have hidden a lot of pregnant people and new parents on my FB feed. It was one thing for the people that only posted once in a while, but it was really tough to read the posts from people who literally posted a few times a day.
I think people don’t really think about infertility until they are really serious about TTC. Then you start thinking about the what-ifs and panicking. I think it’s hard not to think about these things and when you start hearing about everyone that had problems with TTC/MC, then you really start to worry.
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2012 - Mother of the Bride\'s residence
We have had a timeline for ages and I still get jealous. 🙂 On the other hand, though, now that we’re getting closer my thoughts are turning toward “Oh, thank god I still have __ months to lose weight” or “Wow I’m happy we still have this much time before I have to stop drinking!”
Post # 11
Sounds like a good opportunity to get your pregnancy and baby fix in without actually having the responsibility. That’s the way I’d look at it! You’ll be able to experience her journey with her as a friend and be there for her new baby. Take this time to live through her and be happy for her. Someday, when you’re ready and it’s your turn, she’ll do the same for you! 🙂 Try to stay on the positive side, your time will come.
Post # 12
@winerygirl: It’s normal to be jealous, it’s human nature. It might help to think that your turn will come. And it will be so much more special when it is not prompted by competition/jealousy. Ya know?
Stick to your plan and instead of not talking to your friend, hang out with as much as you can and help/learn from her so you are better prepared about what is coming in the horizon for you!
Post # 13
Jealous this girl is. We don’t on even trying for another 2 to 3 years once we are settled in a house. I know we are doing the right thing waiting but its making me nuts. I feel like everyone around me is pregnant. The teacher in my classroom, the music teacher at my second job, lots of people on facebook and even my belly danceing teacher. I just want it so bad. But then I think about the mixed drinks I’m gonna have on my birthday or the vacation DH and I are planning and I stop thinking about it for a while.
Post # 14
congratulations on your pregnancy 🙂 so true what you say about lurking on the TTC boards. It’s not the best because it puts irrational fears in me, but it’s good to get a realistic picture of how long TTC can take.
totally get what you mean about wanting to catch fertility problems early. I wish you luck and hope it happens soon.
thanks for the reality check. I agree that we shouldn’t start trying till we’re actually ready. Hope you get your positive soon!
wow, that was extremely helpful and practical, thanks so much 🙂 I’ll totally have to make a pre baby bucket list. Fantastic idea!
thanks, it just helps to know I’m not a total cow to be less than ecstatic for my friend:) congratulations on your pregnancy 🙂
Oh, I can so see myself in that place 🙁 I hope my faking is good!
yep, and I’m one who’s great at worrying!
lol, true, I should appreciate my drinking time left. Nothing like a glass of wine!
I love your take on it 🙂 seems like a very positive way to look at it.
very true, and very practical. I’d much rather a baby made out of love, than jealousy.
hehe, you and me both! You’re right, I should be looking forward to our vacations and spontaneous activities, and appreciating them while i can.
Post # 15
We not trying yet either and I get jealous of other people’s pregnancies as well. You just have to suck it up sometimes and just smile and be happy for people. Eventually, it will be your turn!
Post # 16
I totally understand. I’m in a similar situation, and while I am genuinely happy for my friend, I definitely had mixed feelings about my own situation. It’s been really hard for me not to do the eye-roll every time I see an announcement from a person on FB lately! Fortunately we moved up our TTC timeline and are now trying. It helps, but it’s still slightly annoying. I was shocked at how quickly baby fever crept up on me!