(Closed) Struggling with my NEW husbands past sexual experience

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
7679 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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amischell72 :  I have not been through this.  However, HE chose YOU.  And HE does NOT want to share you. So I think that is great.  I think you are “thinking too hard about this.  Let it go, and do what feels most natural to you.  Don’t push things.  You both love each other.  It’s okay.  

Post # 3
10557 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I think you need to maybe speak to someone who can help you deal with your insecurity. Everyone has a past and a history, it doesn’t make your husband love you or want you less. He married you, right?!

I wouldn’t invite another couple in when you really don’t want to and are already insecure in the first place. It would just cause more trouble and lead to problems and solve nothing. Then you would just have the mental images to go along with your insecurity and that would not help.

Sometimes people just want to try things just to try something new. Your husband tried something and now he’s past that stage. It’s just like trying new foods, if it helps to think about it that way. Perhaps he tried kale because he had heard so much about it and then afterwards decided he really didn’t feel like he wanted to eat it again. Maybe it didn’t live up to the hype or he didn’t like the taste. Either way, he’s moved passed it now and would rather eat mac & cheese instead. Mac and cheese is reliable, it’s always delicious and you know exactly what you’re getting with mac and cheese. You are mac and cheese, his past is kale. Kale might be fun to try once or twice but mac and cheese is forever.

Post # 4
9130 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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amischell72 :  “I want to exp. everything that he has, I want to be where he has ” — This is really unhealthy. He had a life before you, just like you had a life before him. It should be enough that you’re experiencing things together now. Your best bet, now that you know you have a hard time handling this type of information, is to stop asking him about his past. It has no good purpose and will only cause you harm. (Not saying that’s always true, but in this case, it is apparently true.)

Post # 5
10102 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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amischell72 :  

Dear OP. First , stop asking him stuff ( he’s  an idiot to tell you, frankly,  honesty  is all very well  but you don’t  need to know and it is clearly doing you no good now you do know . How would do you  like to  detail  all the stuff you did with your last  two husbands to him ? 

Secondly , stop comparing yourself and your experience   to others . It is not a competition,  it is your marriage . Very few  men  (or women ) really  want to know that their predecessor was wonderful in bed or that  their partner has had amazing and  innovative  sexual experiences   etc . 

Focus  on what you’ve got, which sounds pretty Ok to me . Do what you both enjoy and if he  starts asking  for stuff you don’t  want to do ,deal with it for yourself ,  not on the  basis that he did or didn’t do it with someone before you.

Unless you are a virgin marrying a  virgin, we all have to accept that our partner have had previous experience. Enjoy  the fruits of it .

Post # 6
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013


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amischell72 :  My husband and I have very different sexual pasts. Mine being littered with unromantic nights fueled by insecurities and curiosity as well as one long term relationship to which I lost my virginity. His being less than a handful but all meaningful relationships. I had three somes, and before we got married I asked if its anything he would be interested in. He told me no, that he was a private and jealous lover and that wouldn’t sit well with him. 

I think that being so upset about something that happened before your relationship is really unhealthy. It’s okay to be disappointed, but don’t let it drive your relationship. And you should never do anything sexually yiu don’t want to just for your partner. That’s another red flag I saw. I would say talk to someone about your insecurities if they are still bothering you. It might be the healthiest thing for your relationship. It’s best to live in the present so you can grow toward the future. 

Post # 7
745 posts
Busy bee

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amischell72 :  it’s a given that he had a past and that it was different from yours.

do not try to venture into territory that you are not comfortable with.  do not think this will make you happy or bring you some sort of peace of mind.

you need to get over this.  it sounds like it is in the past and now you are letting it creep into your lives and cause issues. 

if you cannot get past it alone, seek help. 

Post # 8
4251 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

I do not want to know what my DH did before, and he doesn’t ask what I did either. What good could possibly come from that?!?!  It does sound like you need to talk to someone, because you are letting the past, and not even your past, ruin your current happiness.  And that is not healthy.

Post # 9
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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amischell72 :  I don’t know, I think over time, you’ll catch up.  I was definitely more experienced than my partner, being bi and having a 3 way at one point.  Throughout our relationship I’ve been slowly working on bringing out his kink.  That part can be really exciting!  You never know that the person is going to be into down the line.  Maybe you’ll never be a swinger, but you might make a great dom and get super into BDSM.  Who knows, maybe golden showers are your thing of foot stuff or role play.  The best part is you have your entire lives to figure out eachothers kinks.  As long as you stay open, you’ll have spice for years to come.  I mean if you where already crazy kinky now, where would you have left to explore?  Exploring your sexuality together is the fun part!

Just go at your own pace.  My moto with sex is, never say no, just say “not now, let me think about it.  And try something twice before you write it off, unless it was especially traumatic.

Honestly, a bit of sexual inexperience can be a real turn on.

Post # 10
1104 posts
Bumble bee

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amischell72 :  oh man, you guys don’t need to tell each other everything you’ve done with another sexual partner. there are some couples who are super open or poly or just totally not jealous that talk about this stuff, but i’d guess most don’t. it’s a recipe for awkwardness and tension, and by all means if you’re weirded out by the fact that your dh texted you something he’s done before with someone else, DO NOT have a threesome.

try to start by just experimenting together as partners and working through your own issues with jealousy, and maybe stop asking him direct questions about what he did, etc. it is great that he’s honest with you, but maybe you can just accept that he has a past, just like all people, and that NOW he is this great honorable guy who loves you madly. try to let go of the past and just keep moving and building.

i can tell you as someone who has slept with 50+ people that intimacy, sex, and love, are not the same thing. this is not an issue unless you make it an issue. 

Post # 11
1586 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I know it’s too late to change what you’ve already discussed, but for future reference, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to. I know roughly how many serious relationships my Fiance has had but have no idea what his ‘number’ is or what he’s done sexually – because I do NOT want to imagine his past. He’s the same with me – it’s just not up for discussion.

I’m sure your husband knew you were less sexually experienced than him when you met/got married. It sounds like he’s not interested in forcing you to do anything you don’t want, and is happy with your sex life. That is a good thing!!

Post # 12
228 posts
Helper bee

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amischell72 :  Okay, this is a topic I have dealt with and some of the posters can be pretty harsh so I hope they are sparing you.

Honestly, counseling is a huge help with this. Two months before the wedding, I had to get into counseling because my thoughts were CONSUMED with my now-husband and his ex. (I was a virgin, so it was an extremely sensitive subject for me) Even after we were married, the first two weeks were…rough. Because we would be in the middle of sex, and suddenly it would pop into my head that he had done these things with someone else, and the moment would be completely ruined. He was very honest with everything I asked him from the very beginning, but this is key… DON’T ASK QUESTIONS. I still wonder about things he has done sometimes, but asking for more details is the worst thing you can do. It is allowing yourself to dwell on these things, and make them more important than they are. He chose YOU, not any of his previous partners. If he doesn’t want to add others into your marriage, appreciate this. He thinks you are special enough and respects you enough to want to keep you to himself, and not relive experiences with people who are no longer important.

Keep the focus on you and him, in the present. Get some counseling, it really does help when you work through these issues yourself and focus on the good in this relationship. Try to stop thinking about it, and definitely DON’T ask him for details. Those details will live in your brain forever, and speaking from experience, ignorance is bliss. Time will help heal, if you let it.

Post # 13
2673 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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amischell72 :  as I was reading your post (especially at the part where you were upset about him sexting other women in the past) I assumed you were either a virgin when you married or very inexperienced. But, this is your 3rd marriage? It seems hypocritical to be upset with your husband for having a past. You should probably stop asking questions if there’s a possibility that the answers will upset you. 

Post # 14
5081 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

Ok, I don’t know about the other couple thing, but my husband has been with a lot of women, like 40+. That is all I know. I was with two men before him. I don’t ask about his sexual past (aside from early on in the relationship when we revealed our “numbers” in a casual conversation). I don’t want to know what specific stuff he did with these women. It actually doesn’t bother me in the slightest that he’s been with that many women though. That just shows me that he knows what is out there and still chose me anyway. Obviously, there is something here that he liked more that all the other stuff out there and I’m content in knowing that.

I think you should stop asking questions. Further, I think you should probably see a counselor (maybe couples counseling as well) to work out these thoughts. You should not be so consumed with jealousy over your partner’s past that you can’t properly function in your own relationship. 

Post # 15
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

Oh man sweetie, DON’T ask loaded questions!!!!  Unless the two of you started dating in your early teens, chances are he has a sexual past, as do you. What possible good can come out of such needy, insecure, questions. 

Imagine going down on your partner and asking mid-mambo ‘have you ever had a blowjob before?’ ‘have you ever had an orgasm this way before?’ ‘did you get off on this with your ex?’  Unless someone breaks into your home at that exact moment or one of you spontaneously combusts, I can’t think of a huger TOTAL BUZZKILL. Okay, maybe you don’t actually ask during (hopefully) but what possible good can come of such questions??? You’re just torturing yourself and making him feel extremely uncomfortable/ awkward/ needlessly guilty/ defensive etc etc. 

My DH and I know each others’ basic sexual histories, as part of the whole getting-to-know-you package. But needing to know in explicit detail and feeling threatened and insecure by stuff that’s totally in the past, it’s only hurting your relationship. 

If you’d posted ‘my husband and his ex had sex with another couple and since I heard this I’ve felt curious and intrigued by it and am toying wtih the idea myself…..well that would be one thing. But please don’t do something you’re not into &/ or not comfortable with only as part of some need to compete with his past. 

I’m saying this sincerely, not to insult you, but it sounds like you could use some professional help with your self esteem. There’s absolutely no shame in that, it’s a sign of strength to seek help- and you could be so much happier if you weren’t tormented by your own thoughts. 

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