(Closed) Struggling with the SO and ‘future’

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
8 posts
Newbee

No, I dont think so. At least from what I have read moving in with a guy can be a big mistake – especially if he is not willing to give you what you want (marriage). I think like that all the time with my SO. At least he is talking about a future together.

Post # 4
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I think you’re being smart by saying that you won’t move without being engaged. He can’t have his cake and eat it too…and when it’s frustrating to him that you won’t participate in these converstaions, remind him that it’s frustrating to remain in a relationship that is currently going nowhere. Will he even talk to you about marriage? Do you have a round about time that you both want to be married by? If not…I think that’s the first thing that you need to establish. And he also needs to know about your plans never to move until he proposes. B/c he can’t do anything about it if he doesn’t know.

Post # 6
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

How far away is he moving? And is it permanent or temporary? I’m just wondering how difficult a long-distance relationship would be. I definitely think it’s reasonable for you to be hesitant to give up your apartment/job/life to follow him without a commitment. But that doesn’t mean you have to break up if he moves before you’re engaged.

Post # 8
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

@jpalm13:  Oh that’s not bad at all. As for his “I won’t move anywhere without you” it almost sounds like he’s trying to guilt-trip you with that? Am I off base? If not, I would remind him that he’s an adult with free will and can make his own decisions. If he doesn’t want to move because he’d be further from you, that’s his decision… you’re not forcing him to stay. I would just let him know that you’ll support him with whatever he decides to do, and that if he moves it won’t be the end of the relationship but that you aren’t ready to move with him unless you’re married or engaged.

Post # 9
Member
3104 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

well, i have a friend who was in a similar situation. except, well, he was going with or without her.

a good friend had been with her boyfriend for about a year when he was offered a dream job about 3 hrs away (going from one big city to another). he asked her to go and i urged her not to go without a ring. she decided to go. she had just been laid off and since they weren’t leaving for 8 months, she didn’t work.

they moved and she figured they would get engaged shortly thereafter. at the 10 month mark she was ANGRY. furious. it weighed her down and they talked about it a lot. she was frustrated that she changed everything for him, but he couldn’t do this for her. he always promised he was going to do everything he could to make her happy. over the holidays (now they’d been there for 14 mos) she expected a ring. nope. he FINALLY proposed over v-day- almost 18 months later. they had been together just over 3 years (and both turning 34 within weeks).

the thing is they are a GREAT couple. so in love. and she knew, that no matter what she was going to be with him. she felt that taking this stand of “ring or i’m not going” was not the right tactic. and she was right.

so in the end, this is an ulimatum. you are trying to force his hand. you need to decide if you are really ready to walk away…

Post # 11
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t think you are being harsh or giving an ultimatum.  If you are telling him that you’ll still be in a relationship  if he moves out, but that you can’t agree to big life decisions like a move and potential job change without a more serious commitment from him.  I think it is a pretty simple concept and you are doing a good job standing your ground.  You have to do what is right for you.

I lived with an ex for a few years and regretted it.  When I started dating my SO I told him very early on that I would not be moving in with any  man unless we were engaged or just about to be engaged – and that I would be moving right back out if there was any dilly-dallying! 

Reassure him that you still love him and want to be with him regardless of where he lives – and that refusing to move does not mean you doubt his love for you.  You just need a diff level of commitment before you can justify the changes he wants.

 

Post # 12
Member
307 posts
Helper bee

honestly, it sounds like he is including you in his future because he is planning for you guys to be together, engaged, married, etc.  it’s actually a good thing that he says that it will be “our” house, how would you feel if he said “my” house?  i understand that you can’t plan to move without actually being more official.  he may have some differences on how he sees the timeline (as the man in relaxedaboutit’s story) but you worrying, being angry, hovering, checking his web history may cause a rift in what seems like a good relationship otherwise.

my sense often is that when a man feels that the woman genuinely wants to be with him and is not just after being married/following a timeline, he will be more likely to consider marriage and take the steps.  think about how he might feel if you were to, instead of being resentful about not being engaged, be tremendously excited about your future together? he may be more inspired to take action in the second case. even if he hasn’t made the actual steps, the way he talks and reassures you indicates his intensions/desires unless i am reading your description of his tone incorrectly.

Post # 15
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee

Urg, I have a similar problem. He wants to move in together and we’re both against it without a ring. No moving forward in the relationship means no moving in. I have since found only a few places in my price range habitatble to live, but I’m still going to move there come June if he doesn’t get it together enough to propose before then. He will only have himself to blame. I find Mr. Bees pact to be a little more hurtful and dissatisfying then helpful. I let myself obsess for awhile then go out of it, no harm. 🙂 

Keep updated on how things play out, 

<3

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