(Closed) Stuck between a rock and a hard place, Advice please!

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

That is tough, because it does sound like he is practically raising them. But imagine how hard it will be for those boys to go from having their brother around to love and support them, to him not being around as much.

I think you really need to compromise in this situation… I wouldnt give him any ultimatums about picking you instead of them and as you said – it is the first time he has put them ahead of you.

The reality is when he lives so far away from them he is only going to get to see them on special occasions so I am sure everything will work itself out to a nice balance.

Post # 4
47433 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You’ve already said that his brothers have a bad mother. Do you think that putting restrictions on the parenting they get from their older brother would be the right thing to do? These boys need all the support they can get from him.

He’s entitled to spend his money any way he wants right now, and if he thinks his brother needs a phone to be able to communicate ( with him as well as others) it is his decison to make. So he comes into the engagement/ marriage with $70 less per month. Is that a deal breaker?

If he has only had to cancel on you once in 9 months, I don’t see that his older brother role is interfering with your relationship very much. I suggest you don’t force the issue as you may not like the choice he makes if push comes to shove.

Instead be proud of the man he is and support him in supporting his brothers to grow up to be the same kind of men.

Post # 5
5992 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

what an amazing man you are involved with, to be that responsible and caring for his siblings is a good thing and although i understand you also need him and he is forced to choose try to remind yourself his brothers are on a cusp of either being good young men or not and your mans influence is a factor in that – he must be torn between you and his brothers because he obviously loves all of you

you have been together only 9mths so there is still a lot to balance out and there will be frustration but hopefully you will both compromise – maybe a reminder to the brothers to speakup sooner so nothing is left to short notice

Post # 6
532 posts
Busy bee

He is like a parent to them, so however dysfuntcional the reasoning behind it may be, you have to accept him and his brothers as if you were marrying someone with biological children. And that means that sometimes the kids’ needs come before yours.

As far as budgeting for the phone, it is something small that he can do to make his brother’s life better, since it sounds like his mom is not up to the task. Maybe you can talk about it and suggest the brother get a part time job by x date to pay for half of the phone (or the whole phone) or whatever you think is fair. that way there are some rules and bondaries in place…

it’s not an easy situation, but you have to look at it like he is the responsible adult in his brothers’ lives and you need to support that.

Post # 7
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016



I would get over this if i were you…. stat. because essentially you ARE dating a single dad. I realize that they are his brothers, but he seems to be the olny one taking care of them.


Post # 10
1370 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Agree with all the bee’s above.  You are dating a single dad.  I think the best way to deal, is with compassion and sensitivity.  if you think you and your man are in it for the long haul, then help him raise these boys as best you can.  You already sound very thoughtful in your relationship, but you man can;t put his life on hold either.  Don’t feel guilty, compromise, and be understanding when things don’t go as planned.  They never do with kids!

Chin up, it sounds like you are both great people, and these boys are lucky to have you both on thier team.  You won’t fix mom, so focus on creating a healthy environment for your relationship, and the boys.  It likely won’t be easy, but it sounds like you have the right frame of mind to help it work for everyone!

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