(Closed) Stuck between my family and my non-proposing SO!

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

ringfever123:  Aw I feel for you Bee. I’ve been with my SO for almost 5 years and there’s no ring on my finger either. But we HAVE purchased our first home together and have lived together for just over a year now.

I can totally see where he is coming from about not wanting to feel like a kid and get engaged while you’re both living at home because I am of the same opinion. I wouldn’t want to be engaged and planning a wedding to someone I don’t even live with.

My family aren’t particularly religious so I’m afraid I don’t have any advice for you on that side. All I can say is they are your family and they will love you unconditionally, always. It’s not asthough you’re going to be living a life of sin for the rest of your days! He just wants to take the next step of moving out together before planning to a wedding. He IS going to propose! (And congratulations on the upcoming proposal!!). If I were you I’d move out with him. He is the love of your life and you are clearly the one for him. You move out with him now or move out when you are married.. At the end of the day both things are going to happen, just in a different order. And I think it’s healthy to adjust to living together first anyway! Your family will come round. Especially when they see how happy you are together and then see the ring on your finger soon!

Post # 3
Member
2087 posts
Buzzing bee

Honestly, knowing what it means for your family, I’m surprised he isn’t at least proposing before you two move in together. 

You shouldn’t need to choose between him and your family. After almost 10 years he should know what he wants. If it were me, I probably wouldn’t move in with him without a proposal on the table. 

Post # 4
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I get it, the expectations can be overwhelming. I’m not an only child but I’m the only daughter and there was definitely a lot of expectation surrounding the way I conducted my relationships. 

But in the end, I had to choose what was right for me, not what was right for my parents. I honestly believed that I should live with a man before I agreed to marry him. I didn’t want to go into something that huge blind. My husband and I lived together for four years before we got married. 

Did my mom really like it? No. I mean, I never got the back lash from it because I didn’t actualy move out of her house in with him so I never asked her permission really. But she came to accept that this is my life and these were not decisions for her to make. 

You really have to decide what’s right for you. Your parents are learning too, you’re an only child. This is all new for them and sure, they have some expectations, but they too will learn to live with the fact that you are a grown up and need to let you make your own grown up decisions. It sounds like they love you very much and I suspect that they will come to supporting you, eventualy. It might be messy, but you can’t decide based on them. 

Post # 5
Member
9527 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

My parents aren’t as religious or traditional so take this as you want. Could be very off base. You say you’re in school so I assume finances are limited. Would it be worth moving in with a female roommate? They might be more amicable to that. That would give you more freedom with the SO as well, more time together and spend nights. You are 24, old enough to be an independent woman. Maybe this would be a stepping stone to marriage in the long run. 

 

Not from personal experiance, I moved out at 18 but from the experiance of a couple friends- They went from a very strict religious home to husband. It didn’t work out in the long run and they  both really regretted not having a chance to stand on her own. When one found her own place she didn’t have a career, a steady job, didn’t know how to balance a child and household without help. The other had an easier time adjusting. Not saying that’s your situation at all. Moving out is a major adjustment. Maybe your parents will be better sold if you push how you want to adjust to living away from home before marriage? 

Post # 6
Member
5882 posts
Bee Keeper

a_day_at_the_fair:  This was my thought too. That he’s been with her for 10 years and her family already loves him like a SIL, why would he put OP in such a heart-rending situation rather than simply propose to her if he’s truly planning on proposing anyway?

You’ve been together a long time OP, but your SO seems to have multiple reasons for not getting engaged yet. Whether these are valid reasons or excuses, time will tell. I actually like theatrejulia’s

idea of you moving out with a female roommate and experiencing a bit of independence & freedom first- you can focus on enjoying college life while you continue to date your SO and if he’s sincere he’ll still propose to you in the semi-near future.

Post # 7
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I come from a similar situation in regards to my parents not wanting me to move in with my Fiance – even before we were engaged, and I was planning to move in with him (we were in a LDR at the time) because I couldn’t afford a place on my own, I literally posed it to my mother asking if she would rather have me move in with a stranger who might screw me over on rent, end up being into drugs, steal my stuff, etc. rather than move in with someone that I know and love, and she said yes, she’d rather have the first situation.  Well… Fiance proposed before I moved, and my parents were STILL not comfortable with us living together before marriage.  The last thing my mom said to me as I was getting into the car to start the 14-hour drive to my Fiance and new home was, “Now you know that when you guys come to visit, you’re not allowed to share a room.”  Like… REALLY??

It’s been just over a year since I moved in with my guy, and I think my parents are over it, or at least as over it as they can get. (I still get reminded that they’re praying for me and him all the time, but hey, being prayed for is a good thing, even if their reasons can be a little grating!)  I honestly don’t think it’s even been brought up, and when they came to visit us, everything was great.  So hopefully you have a similar experience!  I think it can be hard for our parents to let go and let us live out our decisions when they want something different for us, but at the end of the day, they’re parents and they’ll still love their kids!

Post # 8
Member
3727 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

My situation was very similar to yours. I’m an only child and my parents are very religious and traditional. I would not have wanted to ruin our relationship just because I wanted to live with my boyfriend. I agree with the others who said that he could at least propose. It seems like he’s full of excuses. If he knows how important it is to you to remain on good terms with your parents then he should be more than happy to propose first. The whole not wanting to propose while still living at home is a bunch of crap. As long as you both have means to support yourselves that’s a sorry excuse. 

Post # 9
Member
575 posts
Busy bee

Do what you feel is right for you. Your parents don’t have to live your life, YOU do.

Parents don’t like decisions their kids make all the time. My father is a pastor and was apalled when my SO and I bought a house together. He was upset, yes, but he also loves me very very much, and realized that having a relationship with me was more important than anything else. I’m sure your family will come to the same conclusion! 

Post # 10
Member
1941 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - City, State

Your SO sounds like he’s pretty full of it to me. He seems to be just making excuses and not really willing to compromise at all with you–that’s a red flag to me.

Aside from that I kinda get it. I’m moving in with my Fiance in a month and his mom is freaking out as he’s an only child. But, he knows this is what he has to do and it’s what you have to do to be an adult and work towards a future together with your guy. Although I personally don’t see anything wrong with setting boundaries, for instance I always said I wouldn’t move in with anyone without a ring on my finger. 

Post # 11
Member
6040 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

 

ringfever123:  consider this the first time you’ll have to just decide what YOU want and what’s best for you. The beauty of being an adult is tha tyou have the freedom to make those choices for yourself and I suggest you accept now that you may not always be able to please everyone and while it’s good to take advice and the opinions of those you love and respect into consideration, ultimately this is your life and your choice and you are the one who will have to live with what you choose, not them.

Also, if he’s the right one, he will be the right one with or without a ring. I would suggest getting a timeline so you can feel more confident about the move. So maybe say you’ll be engaged within six months of moving in together? or whatever you decide is appropriate for you both.

If this relationship is what you want, then you have to start treating your relationship as the start to the family that you and your SO will create. Your parents have been your main family unit thus far and it’s hard to break away from that and start your own life sometimes. This decision is the first decision you are making where your “new” family unit is coming first before your parents. And that’s ok. 🙂 good luck bee!

Post # 12
Member
623 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

ringfever123:  I’m sorry that you’re in this crap situation. 🙁 I didn’t go through this but my friend did. She moved in with her boyfriend and he promised to propose before their 1 year lease was up. He proposed on the LAST day, but that’s neither here nor there haha. Her parents were upset and her mom actually didn’t speak to her for a month. My friend stood her ground and told her that the last thing she wanted to do was upset her family, but she also was an adult and had to make her own decisions and what was best for her. Her mother eventually came around and now everything is fine and my friend is happily married. Bottom line: you need to do what YOU feel is the best thing. If that’s to move in with your boyfriend (which I agree is a great thing to do BEFORE getting engaged/married), then do it and respectfully stand your ground. Your parents will be upset for a little bit but they will get over it when they realize the world isn’t ending. Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
2969 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

ringfever123:  I’m sorry you’re going through this. I also had a very similar situation with my now husband before we got engaged and it was TENSE with my family. My cousin who is like my sister, my brother’s fiance and my mom all sat me down and tried to have a very teary intervention telling me he would never propose, that I was wasting my time and that I deserved better, and that while he was an amazing guy, he wasn’t moving the relationship forward. This was after about 3.5ish years together and we were serious from DAY 1!

After about 2.5 years together he told me that he refused to rent and had been saving up money for our future and that he knew he was going to marry me but there were still things he wanted to do to prove himself to me (and to himself) that he was going to be able to provide for us and that we would do well living well together. We started looking for houses and within 8 months had bought our first home together.

We spent about 9 months focusing on renovating our house before we moved in together, and right after we finally did move in together is when my family decided to have that intervention because he hadn’t proposed right away.

While I was sad and frustrated that I was “waiting”, I never threw him under the bus or expressed those frustrations to my family or friends. Sometimes I would joke around with a few friends that were going through similar situations, but I never expressed those feelings to people that would just use it to look down on him. Also, with anyone that knows my husband, he is a procrastinator. He thinks and then rethinks every single decision he makes and he always tries to make sure he’s doing everything “right”.

It took him 6 years to propose, but once the proposal happened, things moved FAST. Within about 2 weeks the whole wedding was planned- at HIS insistence. The entire time I was waiting, he was putting money aside and trying to build a future, not just plan a wedding or buy me a ring. Because we already had a renovated house and were living together and knew our expenses, we were able to understand ourselves and our finances wayyy better by the time wedding planning came around. We learned to fight fair, communicate, and make compromises. All things you can’t really do until you are living together. Was it frustrating to wait so long and hear the comments? SURE, but I never doubted it was going to happen and I don’t regret a second of it. My mom, cousin and Future Sister-In-Law all apologized and admitted they were wrong and only said what they said out of concern for me- which I am sure is what your parents are doing as well, but as an adult in her own relationship, they need to respect your decisions and allow you to make them even if they feel you are making a mistake.

The only thing you can do is stick to your guns and demand respect from your family. If you and your SO are certain about the things you both want, then I would definitely move forward with those plans.

Post # 13
Member
7039 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

ringfever123:  My Darling Husband and I were high school sweethearts, and got engaged after 12 years together. I think it’s important to remember that when you’ve been together since HS and very young, it’s almost like several of those years don’t count. I’m not saying they weren’t valid, but no high school guy is thinking about marriage. Hell, I would have NEVER pegged that my Darling Husband and I would have stayed together…no one thinks the person they date in HS is the one they’ll be with forever. Yes, 9 years together is a LONG time – but 25 is still pretty young and I know a lot of guys at that age that aren’t ready for marriage. 

I can see your BF’s point, as my Darling Husband and I did live together for probably about 7 years before getting married. I personally wouldn’t have gotten married without living with someone, but there are plenty of people who are against it. Are your parents still financially supporting you? If so, unfortunately it doesn’t matter how old you are if they’re paying the bills they get a say. He needs to want to propose, you can’t force him. However, you can say “It’s important to me that I not live with you until we are engaged”. 

Post # 14
Member
262 posts
Helper bee

This sounds like a rough situation. Honestly, it sounds like neither your SO nor your parents are taking your feelings into consideration. I get where they are all coming from, but since they all seem to be going for what they want, my question is what do you want? Not to make your parents happy and not to make your SO happy, but what would make YOU happy? Do you want to live together first, get engaged first? I am all for taking other people’s feelings into consideration, but it doesn’t sound like yours are being considered.

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