- 4 years ago
I am new here but after reading all of your lovely posts and similar situations, I got brave and decided to ask for help! I really really need some advice!
SO is 25, I am 24. We’ve been together for almost 9.5 years (high school sweethearts). I’ve been dealing with “Waiting” for a while now, but it has only gotten worse over time because family members, friends, and people I meet are shocked to see my ring-free hand after so many years. I’ve generally been OK with these comments, and I learn to deal with them. I never wanted to put pressure on my SO, because I want this to be a surprise for me. Around 4 months ago, he asked me how I would feel about moving out with him. (We are both living at home currently). He expressed that he wants to move out and start his life, and that he obviously wants me to be a huge part of that. I got super giddy and excited, mostly because we don’t see each other daily (He has a super busy job, I am still finishing my degree, etc). Living with him is very ideal to me, I want to be able to come home to him, etc. I am so in love with him, I know he is the one. When I brought this up to my mom, she absolutely flipped and told me it would be a huge mistake. She mentioned how he has not proposed, and that I needed to be more “secure” than that. I simply told her that I can’t force him to propose, and that it would be very awkward for me to do so. We went back and forth on this, and I told her that living together was important for us, and that later on I was sure he would propose and start saving for a nice wedding. She is 100% agaisnt this, and said I need to get married before leaving home. I begged for her to understand, and she suggested going to city hall, and getting that marriage certificate if I truly wanted to leave so badly. Last weekend, my SO talked to my dad about this and my dad flipped too. My parents are both religious and traditional, and they do not support us moving in together before marriage. I guess I should have seen this coming, but considering how long my SO and I have been together, I thought they would be more understanding and supportive towards us building our future. My parents also love my SO and he loves them, so this is the first real-tense situation we have all had.
This has been so hard on me because I love my SO, but also love my parents. I’m an only child so I have always gotten extremely spoiled, taken care of, etc. Their blessing and opinions mean so much to me, and this situation is breaking my heart. I know that if I leave this way, our family won’t be the same. I spoke to my SO about how upset I was, and he insisted we stick to our plan. I told him that we might need to re-evaluate and possibly talk to them again. My SO confessed that he was planning to propose to me once we have a place, and that he wanted us to live together first before getting married. He also said “I can’t imagine getting married without living first, we need to live together first!”. I’m not sure why this rubbed me the wrong way, especially because it’s been almost 10 years! I am not a stranger he is moving in with… I got emotional and ticked (too much stress!) off and confronted him about the proposal. I told him that it might be easier for them to accept this move if I had a ring on my finger. I explained that it shows a sign of commitment and that a wedding would be taking place eventually. He said he doesn’t want to feel like a kid, and give me a ring while we are both living at home. This doesn’t make sense to me, especially because people get engaged in long-distance relationships or simply have really long engagements- but whatever. He ended the argument by saying I needed to think about what I really want, and that he was going to move out next month with our without me.
Last night we finally talked, and we held each other for a long time. I told him that at this point I don’t care about a wedding, I just want to be with him. I told him that this whole situation is so stressful, and that I just wanted it to be over. I asked him if we could go to city hall, get married, and then move out in August. He reminded me that I want a wedding, and he was going to make it happen no matter what, but that we needed to plan and save first. I stressed how nervous I was, because I was going to risk losing my family just to go with him. We hugged, kissed, and I told him we would go. So now the plan is officially back in motion, but I am nervous, bees! I don’t know how my family will react, and I don’t want to start things off on the wrong foot. I love my parents and this is very hard for me. On the other hand, I love my SO and I want this to work. I do wish he would propose to me first, but that just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me. I don’t know if I should demand the ring in order for me to move, or just let it happen naturally. I love him so much, but I do catch myself questioning if I am making the right decision… please help me.