(Closed) Stuck between my family and my non-proposing SO!

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 15
Member
3858 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2007 - City, State

ringfever123:  I have to agree with a few of the PP… I feel like your SO should know by now if he wants to marry you or not. And when you said that it would be better if he at least propised before you moved in, he kind of blew you off and made every excuse in the book! I mean, if he is already planning to propose, why not do it before in order to ease your mind and your parents a bit?! honestly, it sounds to me like he isn’t ready to marry you at all and is just telling you these things to keep pushing you off.. Just be very careful and don’t be scared to ask for a proposal before you move in, if that’s what you want. I kind of think it was crappy that when you said you wouldn’t move in without a ring he told you well he was moving with or without you! My response would have been well guess you have to move without me than! He sounds like he gets what he wants always.. Stand up for yourself! 

Post # 16
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

This WILL affect your relationship with your parents negatively if you go through with this.  Be aware of that.

I suggest you move out with a roommate or two on your own, and he moves out on his own as well.  Live apart from your parents and apart from each other for a while.  This gives you more freedoms, plus having that independence will be good for both of you.  I advise most people against going straight from living with parents to living with a SO and never having the opportunity to live by yourself (or with roommates).  I’ve learned a TON about myself while living by myself and paying my own bills that I wouldn’t have necessarily learned if I had gone straight to living with a SO.

The other thing: his ultimatum.  Him saying “we HAVE to live together before getting engaged”.  I hate to say it, but I had that same argument with my now ex, and that was a major part of our break up.  He wanted to live together prior to getting engaged and I flat-out refused because I needed a commitment before I would move in with someone.  It wasn’t something we could compromise on.

If you want your parents’ support in this impending marriage, I wouldn’t move in with him right now.  I’m envisioning them refusing to help pay for the wedding, refusing to attend wedding events, etc.  Yes you should live your life, but if you value your parents and their opinions and their support, please do not go straight to living with your boyfriend.

Post # 17
Member
358 posts
Helper bee

If he is truely planning on proposing but wants to not be under his paernts roof when he does it, why not look for a place together, him move into it, he propose, then you move in? Sounds like a win-win to me.

Post # 19
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I went through a very similar situation when I decided to move in with my SO. He is in the military and I moved 1100 miles away from home and I was pretty sure my relationship with my mother would be forever tainted at the time. Once we decided that we were going to live together, I TOLD my mother our plans. I was in no way asking for her permission as I had already made up my mind.

Fast forward 18months and we are now engaged and planning a courthouse wedding for next month. My mother is our biggest fan and I think our relationship is now better than ever. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out that way.

Ultimately, you have to decide what’s right for you and your relationship. It does sound like you and your SO are on different pages in that you have been ready to be engaged for quite some time. I can only hope that he is sincere in saying his plan was to wait until after you moved in together and that it isn’t an excuse for him to continue to put it off. Good luck, I hope that you consider yourself and your feelings through all of this. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by  charr12.
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by  charr12.
Post # 20
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

charr12:  Are you with your high school boyfriend though?  That makes a pretty big difference.  I think the OP would definitely benefit from living by herself/with roommates for a while so she can experience a more conventional adult relationship before moving in/getting engaged/married.

Post # 21
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

ljm308:  My Fiance is the first guy I’ve dated and I moved out of my parents house into an apartment with him. Granted, I was also a college graduate, but I was about the same age as OP(23 at the time). I had a little experience living outside of my parents home for my first two years of college(on campus dorm with 1 roommate), but that was it. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by  charr12.
Post # 22
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m going to have to agree that there is something odd about your SO having all these reasons why he can’t propose before you move out.  Knowing you and knowing your parents (plus having a good relationship with them), I don’t see why he is choosing to be so inflexible about this.  It makes me a little concerned.  That being said, I don’t think you should be sacrificing the kind of wedding you want and rushing to city hall, but I think being engaged prior to living together is a step in the right direction.

Your parents may not be satisfied by this and that’s too bad, this is about you and your future.  You will be living together before marriage, that will be your trial run, what more does he want?

If he’s completely inflexible about it, let him move out on his own.  That’s what I would do, anyways.

 

Post # 23
Member
1221 posts
Bumble bee

Here’s my 2 cents…. I think living together is a good idea. Even though you have been dating for 9 years, you both were teens living with your parents when you met, correct? Having some first hand knowledge of what day-to-day life would be like would be helpful.

I know a woman and although she lived with roomates before she and her boyfriend moved in together…. moving in with him was quite the eye opener. He was much more messy than she had expected, and was far more rigid/inflexible than she had antipicated he would be. Of course they tried to work things out (he really wanted to be married), but she knew that SHE would not be happy for the long term. Given the taste that she had of what he was like living with on a daily basis… she ended up happy that they had not gotten engaged or married.

She ended up leaving that relationship after two years. She felt alot older and wiser afterward. She needed that time to determine if they were a good fit- and it turns out that they weren’t. ANYONE can say that they do the dishes every night, keep up with laundry, share household chores, etc… but then not really do that (or they don’t do it in a way that is compatible with their partners way of doing things). Take a look at how many bees on here complain about their SO’s daily habits that they find annoying or difficult. Take a second look at how many bees have not lived with their SO’s before marriage, and then find that they are not sexually compatible.

I’d want to know EXACTLY was I was getting into before getting into it….. so I don’t blame your boyfriend for wanting to test the waters first…. but do realize that it is BOTH of your opportunities to make some decisions about marriage, not just him.

Post # 24
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

 

ringfever123:  

Well, I’ll be straight-forward and honest about the fact that I wouldn’t let my parents get under my skin that much. Both my sister and I are fiercely independent and our family life is just not the same as yours, so I’m sure my two cents aren’t applicable in that area, so here are my thoughts on the waiting part:

1) I think S/O is very wise to want to live together before marriage, especially if neither of you has ever even lived outside your parents’ homes. It’s a BIG adjustment if you were doing it solo, let alone with your romantic partner. A million and one things (little AND big) will come up as you make your lives one in a new place that is 100% your responsibility, and at the very least it’ll result in some growing pains. At the worst, I’ve seen moving in together completely implode what were once happy, healthy relationships in that seeing each other every couple of days is nowhere NEAR the same as trying to share a bathroom with someone, and all the things that you thought were “cute” before drive you absolutely bat-sh*t crazy and lead to fights about deeper issues once they’re sort of pecking at you everysingle day. So, don’t take your S/O wanting to living together personally. I think it makes a lot of sense and recommend it to everyone.

2) Also don’t take it personally that he hasn’t proposed yet. I see this happen with a lot of couples who got together as babies — the idea of marriage and all that just sort of “sneaks up” on the guy over the years, because obviously that level of commitment wasn’t on his radar as a teenager, and guys tend to not fix what isn’t broken because, well, they’re guys. Moving into together is a HUGE step forward forward, so obviously he’s getting there and taking steps to make sure you’re in his life, but you’re also both extremely young (I cannot stress enough how much we change in our 20’s) so what’s the rush?

You can’t get married just to appease your parents. I know you love them, but I’m a firm believer that when a man and a woman marry they become a team, you and him against the world, and if you’re sure this is the man you want to spend your life with, then you need to put him and your relationship above all others and do what is right for the TWO OF YOU. No one else.

That’s always bound to ruffle some feathers where well-meaning but overbearing parents are involved, but guess what? Being an adult means making your own decisions, and only adults should get married.

Good luck, OP. Whatever happens I hope you find some peace in it and remember to look at the positives, the biggest one being that your S/O sounds AMAZING!

 

Post # 25
Member
336 posts
Helper bee

First of all, I disagree with PP who have said you should be engaged before moving in with your SO. It sounds like your SO fully intends to marry you; he just wants to take it slowly. You also sound like you’re in no rush to get married. I fully respect that. You’re progressing naturally in your relationship.

I also disagree with PP who think you should live by yourself or with roommates for awhile. That’s not at all what you’re considering or asking about. You want to live with your SO, and I support that.

I was in a similar situation as you. I am an only child and my parents hated my SO. I had a dorm on campus, and he was living with his grandmother. So this wasn’t about moving in together; my parents simply had qualms with us dating.

They disowned me, cut me off completely, and sent me long emails saying horrible things about me and my SO. This actually forced me to move in with my SO and his grandmother because I couldn’t go home. Long story short, I reconciled with them a few months later (I had to initiate it…). It took them years to “accept” my SO (a year into medical school, actually). But I stood my ground, gained my financial independence, and made my own decision. We’re getting married in December btw.

So if you feel like your SO is “the one” and your relationship is worth progressing – go for it. He doesn’t need to put a ring on your finger right at this minute. He just needs to intend to do it (and not be content with being BF/GF for the rest of your lives). And based on what you said, he does intend to propose! Just in his own time. You seem to respect that, which is very cool.

This is about your independence. You’re an adult, so you can make your own decisions. Your parents can provide input, but they shouldn’t be controlling your life. You can do it!

Post # 26
Hostess
3876 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I was in your position. My new Fiance and I have been together for 8 years and we moved in together last fall (9 months before he proposed). I knew my parents would HATE us moving in together as they’ve been clear that they oppose it when my friends and extended family members move in together. The whole “living in sin” diatribe and whatnot that you’re probably familiar with. I was TERRIFIED to tell them so, well, I didn’t. This was easier for me since I live 10 hours from my parents and already lived on my own. I did finally tell them that we were moving in together for our next lease, and that it was a done deal. They took it surprisingly well- seriously I was sure I was going to literally get a Bible thrown at me as well as a never ending lecture- and though they don’t agree with or support the decision, they haven’t been mean about it to my face.

I know it’s WAY easier to say, trust me bee all of my friends said this to me when I was freaking out about whether to tell them and if so, how to tell them, but you are an adult and you need to do what’s right for you and your SO.  Pretend you’re in a world of non-judgmental, supportive parents.  If you’d move in with your SO in that world, than you shouldn’t let them keep you from doing so.  Unless you are financially dependant on them, they cannot force you to live at home.  I know you’ve already told them about your thought process, and they reacted poorly, but once you make the move, they will have no choice but to accept it and be decent human beings or be assholes that you don’t want to see.  That’s the thing- you don’t actually have to be around them if they’re jerks to you about it.  Just walk out and leave.  They will eventually come to terms with it if they want you in their lives.  They just need time. 

Post # 27
Member
1450 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - St. John\'s Lutheran Church

I think your SO’s desire to live together before you get married is completely reasonable. Lots of people require it. Honestly, living with someone is different. You’ve known each other a long time, but things WILL change when you move in together. You should be prepared for that. I don’t think he’s testing your relationship – I think he just wants to acclimate to its new stage.

Post # 28
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

My point with living by herself/with roommates: going straight from being supported by her parents to being supported by her SO is not a good idea.  Living by yourself helps you to develop lifelong, adult skills and helps you to learn a LOT about yourself.  Paying your own bills, taking out your own trash, doing your own chores…being able to support herself and live on her own will help her to gain independence.  My first year on my own was challenging financially but I got by.  I looked around at my garage sale furniture in my tiny apartment and I was able to say that I was supporting myself 100%.  No parents.  No boyfriend.  Just me.  Those were formative years in my life.  I grew up a LOT.

It does not sound like the OP has had the opportunity to live on her own yet.  She has always been with her parents.  In my opinion it is incredibly important to live by yourself for a while to gain that independence, and to experience what an adult relationship feels like.  I guarantee the dynamic is still very similar to the dynamic they had in high school since they both live with their parents.  It is not smart to get engaged/married when you haven’t had a chance to live outside of your childhood home.  She states here that she sincerely cares about her parents and their opinions.  Their reactions indicate to me that if she does move straight in with her boyfriend they will have a huge issue with that…what if they don’t come to the wedding?  What if they refuse to support her marriage?  Is it worth that?  Not to mention it sounds like moving in without an engagement was the boyfriend’s idea, not necessarily the OP’s.  He’s dismissing the fact that she wants an engagement/commitment before moving in.  That’s a big freaking deal.

They move out separately and that gives them a chance to get used to life outside their parents’ homes and it gives them a chance to grow up a bit more.  It also will keep the peace with her parents.  It sounds like there are a lot of things going on in the relationship that haven’t been resolved — specifically the boyfriend being so unwilling to listen to the OP when she suggested engagement and/or marriage before moving in.  That is an issue that needs to be resolved.  A good way to do that is for them to move out into separate apartments, grow up a bit, have an adult relationship for a while, and then see where they are at that point.

Post # 29
Member
585 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

First of all *big hugs* girl. This is a tough situation. I think I would have experienced something similar if I lived at home when Fiance and I decided to move in together (not engaged at the time). I went to school and grad school 3 hours from home so I had been living away from home for a while, which I think softened the blow for my parents. Fiance and I had been dating for 5 years when we moved in together and I was sure I wanted to marry him but he insisted on living together before he would get engaged. I understand how that can be hurtful, but remember that marriage–and all relationships–is a partnership. You don’t want him to propose if he feels like something is missing. There is a difference between a guy dragging his feet with a proposal and a guy who feels like something hasn’t been acheived yet. Remember that even though your relationship has lasted 9 years, both of you spent a lot of that time learning who you were yourselves, and growing into the adults you are today. I’m not critizing your relationship at all. Fiance and I started dated when I was 20 so I also had some of that. Women mature more quickly than men, so you might feel a little more in the groove with this whole “adult relationship” thing than he does.

A lot of people like to like to live together before engagement. Sometimes, it makes sense. Sometimes, it turns out to be unnecessary (I still feel that way about Fiance and I, but it doesn’t matter anymore and I’m not resentful). Utimately, though, the key is to keep each other’s needs in mind and work with each other to get to a place where you are both comfortable. The thing is, your parents are smothering your relationship. You were fine with moving in together before your parents got involved. I know you don’t exist in a vacuum. Your parents are part of the package deal when it comes to dating, and ultimately marrying you. Still, married people put their spouse before everyone else. You’re not engaged yet so it’s different, but you need to decide if you are going to let your parents smother the development of your otherwise healthy relationship.

Are you financially independent? Will you be financially independent soon? I wouldn’t make any moves until you are. Once you are independent, though, I would move in with him. This is what you want. Your relationship with your parents is going to change when you are married, having children (if you choose to do so) and making your own family. This is how life goes. They are not always going to be happy with your choices, but as an adult, you need to make these choices yourself. Your parents feelings DO matter, but if your relationship is inches from an engagement, you need to consider starting to treat your relationship as a priority. What I’m saying is, you neeod to decide this between the two of you. Are you okay with moving in together without being engaged? Do you think anything will change? Do you think he will come to see what you see, that you two are ready for marriage? If yes, do it.

Post # 30
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Another thought: as long as her parents are supporting her financially (I assume this is what is happening right now), they do get to give their opinions.  Until she takes the leap and lives on her own, whether that is by herself or not, her parents will be all up in her business. It sounds like she wants to maintain a good relationship with them, and I also read it as if she has similar values as they do, so a great compromise is moving out on her own…she can gain independence, distance herself a bit from her parents, but still keep the peace with them, which it sounds like she wants to do.

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