(Closed) Stuck between my family and my non-proposing SO!

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

ljm308:  I completely agree with your point regarding financial independence. That is an important piece of this that OP hasn’t mentioned.

Post # 32
Member
606 posts
Busy bee

ringfever123:  I’m going against the grain. I support you, move in with him. He doesn’t sound like he’s throwing a temper tantrum AT ALL. It sounds like he’s growing up and ready for your relationship to no longer look like the 14/15 year old relationship it used to be. Until you show you’ve grown…TOGETHER, your parents will always see you as those acne ridden kids that didn’t know anything about the world.

Because you have been together so long, I think he’s being smart, I think you both have to get out there, grow up and see what it’s like to be together on your own two feet without having your parents to fall back on. Your relationship changes drastically once you’re on your own. You need to know if you two will survive. Afterall marriage, graduation, new job, babies, owning a home all at once can be incredibly over whelming and cause conflict between you two. He’s smart, one step at a time. 

A lot of people are saying he’s just getting what he wants. You clearly stated you were excited and thrilled that he asked and said yes, before hearing your parents’ input. You asked for a ring and marriage to make your parents happy. Girl, you were just happy he asked you to move in, you didn’t need any conditions on it, your parents did.

GOOD for you for going for what you wanted. You’re taking leeps and bounds towards your independence already.

Post # 33
Hostess
3868 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

ljm308: Definitely this. It’s not letting me edit my post OP, but please seriously consider living on your own (this can include female roommates) first. Both my Fiance and I lived outside our parents’ homes separately for 7 years before we moved in together. This could actually solve all of your problems, because you could live on your own for a year or two and not get stuck living with your SO in case he doesn’t intend to propose. Then, voila, you get engaged, you’ve lived on your own for a year or two and you’re in a great place independently to start living together. I was with my Fi for 7 years before we moved in together and I said the same things you did about how it wouldn’t be any different, but it is. I imagine even more so because you can’t get a good feel for how your SO will be on his own (assuming his family helps him financially, with cooking and cleaning, etc.).

If you’re financially dependant, your parents have every right to threaten to take that away from you. That’s another reason we didn’t move in together until last fall- we had both finished graduate school, I had bought my car off of my Dad, and there was nothing they could threaten to take away besides their love and support. It is definitely easier when you actually have bargaining power. If your SO is the one now, he will still be the one a year from now when yall have lived on your own for a bit.

I would definitely not pressure him to propose to you, but it’s ok to discuss a timeline and figure out if he really does intend to propose to you eventually.  I don’t like the crap people say about “oh if he hasn’t proposed by now, he’s never going to/he should know by now if he wants to marry you!”  It’s a little bit different when you start your relationship as a teenager and want to wait until you’re finished with school.  However, if he never talks about getting married to you, even as a future thing, I’d be wary.  We discussed marriage almost right away, but Fiance wasn’t truly ready to make that jump until last year (at 25 years old).  I didn’t pressure him, and he proposed on his own when he was ready 🙂

Post # 34
Member
1812 posts
Buzzing bee

As a veteran of living with men before having a commitment, I’m going to have to advise against it. I know others on here have had great experiences after living with a man or being with one for several (5, 6, 7+ years) but that’s not what I’ve had in my own life nor have I seen it many of my friends’ lives.

If he knows he wants to marry you, he can propose and then you can set a date. That date may be 2 years from the point of beginning to live together. But it’s a commitment and it’s follow- through.

Right now, I’m disappointed to see that it seems moving out and having that adult rite of passage seems more important to him than your or your parents’ feelings. Things can be real tough without the support of your loved ones.

I know you want to be with him and if it’s meant to be, it WILL work out. But I wouldn’t do it on just his terms. It has to be something that works for both of you. If you feel you want that commitment before moving in and if you want your parents’ approval, there’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes it’s the hardest things to stick to your guns, especially when caught up in the moment. But sometimes it’s for the best.

My now Fiance didn’t want to get married again. He just wanted to move in together. After having “played house” a few other times, I said no thanks. I loved him, I wanted to move in with him, but I wanted the situation to be right for me, too. Guess what? He proposed. THEN we moved in. We’ll be married in 10 weeks.

Post # 35
Member
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Your parents are giving you the best advice they believe they can give you, and it will hurt them to see you sacrifice something important to you (a proposal) for someone else. They will be your parents forever–don’t disappoint them, as they have made a lot of sacrifices in their lives for you.

I waited for Fiance to propose before I moved in with him and it was a great decision. I am 100% confident that he would have proposed at the same time regardless of what I did, but had it not gone well, I wouldn’t be the first or last woman to be made a fool for diving in too quickly. Tread lightly, and always have a backup plan.

Post # 36
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

You are both in your mid 20’s, and you have never lived on your own before. Living with a SO can be a big adjustment. You may get along now perfectly now but even you said you do not see him as often as you wold like to due to work and school. I am siding on your SO side here. I new my Fiance was the one but we moved in with eachother for a year before he propsed because to both of us it is important to KNOW you can live with that person and all of thier quirks and stressed out days. 

When you live with someone 24/7 you really see their best and thier worst. It’s best to find out if you two are fully compatable now vs later. You may think you know him sooo well after all these years, but you will learn soon that that’s not true.

It will be great to see how you both can deal with financial issues, apartment issues, job issues, without having your parents there to help you every step of the way. You learn to depend on eachother more.

How about a compromise? When I moved in with my SO I still had a job out of state, so I would live with him for half the week and my mom the other half. He had lived with college buddies before but never a female. It was a big adjustment for him. But having us spend half the week together non stop and then a little break helped soooooo much!

Post # 37
Member
1284 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I personally chose not to live with my husband until he proposed because I read too many stories about women playing house without the status of wife or fiancé. But that might not be a concern for you, and it’s irrelevant anyway. Here’s what I see in your situation:

You are making a huge compromise by moving forward without a ring knowing how it will cause tension between you and your parents, whose opinion and support you really respect. You have even offered to compromise the big traditional wedding to make everyone happy.

He is making NO compromises and is making choices that make HIM happy. He is having his cake and eating it too. He won’t propose earlier because he doesn’t want to feel like a kid, and apparently that’s worth more to him than your relationship with your family. Think long and hard, bee.

Post # 38
Member
1284 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Also, just for personal perspective, I’m married to my high school sweetheart. We are 24 now and we didn’t live together until two years into our engagement, after living separately from each other and our parents for the entirety of college.

There was virtually no transition period. Everything was really smooth because we knew each other so well and spent a lot of time together before moving in. It was a win-win. We took a financial family budgeting class together, we knew each other’s cleaning and eating habits, etc. We made sure we were on the same page before living together and that’s what was imperative to our success.

Make sure you are on the same page – and that includes a proposal timeline, if you need that to feel fulfilled – before committing to cohabitation. 

Post # 39
Member
621 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I can relate to this completely.  I just moved in with my (now) Fiance a month ago.  I always wanted to wait for at least a ring as well, for a number of reasons, one of them being to soften the blow to my family.  I already know my family does not support it, and really didn’t want to give them a reason to resent my Fiance.  BUT, I had made up my mind as an adult, I took a lot of time to think over the many sides of all the different arguments, and came to my own conclusion.   (***I should note, this decision came after a lot of convos with my Fiance that along with my leap of faith with him, that he was planning on proposing very soon.  I was not willing to move in with him without having that frank conversation and knowing exactly where we stood.)  He proposed about 3 weeks after moving in, but I’m really glad that we made the decision that was right for us together.

I understand where you’re coming from with regards to your family.  I decided to be a little more tactful about the situation, and waited until last night to mention anything to my mom.  We live in different towns, so it hasn’t had to come up yet.  I know she has concerns and has fears, but I talked to her and walked her through all of my thoughts on the subject, and told her that I want her to be a part of my life, and I wasn’t asking for advice.  My Fiance and I plan to sit down with my mom and dad together to talk to them in the near future.  If it helps, these were some of my main points from our convo last night:

  • her fear: if we live together, we won’t ever actually have a wedding.  My response: If that’s the case, then I’d rather know NOW, and not marry him.  If for whatever reason, us living together causes incompatibilities, or whatever, better to know now!
  • my point: this is valuable time that we as a couple will never get back… I want time together before we have kids, and this is all part of that.
  • moving in together is NOT something he’s forcing me to do, it’s our decision.
  • moving in together is NOT for saving money, it’s not about that at all.
  • I’m not worried at all that I might not be loved or committed to, I am, and he treats me well.
  • I would rather give them the benefit of the doubt, and respect as people I love, that they can come to terms with this, than keep it from them.
  • I’m not sure how they plan to contribute financially to a wedding, but I would not feel right with them paying for anything without me being totally upfront with them.  My Fiance and I privately discussed that our decision may impact them not wanting to contribute at all, and we have to be ok with that.  Afterall, we’re asking them to treat us with respect, and we must do the same back.

You got this! They absolutely WILL come around, just try to be sensitive and tactful with your comunications… and remember, you can never make everyone happy, but your parents will always be there.  Just try to make the best decisions for yourself. <3

 

Post # 40
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

mishinthecity:  Exactly.  When people have the independence — like you did — prior to making a commitment, that really is a win-win.  I am very wary of high school relationships turned into adult relationships when the two parties have not had the opportunity to live independently.  I think it creates a kind of co-dependence in a way when you go straight from living to parents to living with a SO. Not to mention…the OP needs to gain financial independence and be able to support herself before making this jump to living with him.  What if after a few months she realizes that it isn’t working and she needs to get out, but she’s stuck on the lease and she’s reliant on him to support her so she feels stuck?  I would say she could go back to her parents but what if they say “too bad you can’t live with us again because you moved in with your boyfriend”?  Too many variables in my opinion.

Post # 41
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

 

ljm308:  

I am very wary of high school relationships turned into adult relationships when the two parties have not had the opportunity to live independently. I think it creates a kind of co-dependence in a way when you go straight from living to parents to living with a SO. Not to mention…the OP needs to gain financial independence and be able to support herself before making this jump to living with him.

This x 100.

It’s so important to learn how to handle yourself and your own finances before sharing them with someone else, OP. It’s also important to go out and live, as in go out for girls’ nights and come home at 4 AM, eat cereal in your underwear in the living room watching Sex & the City, leave your room a mess because you can, do whatever YOU want to do on a Saturday, etc. Enjoy all that. Get it out of your system. You’re (hopefully) not ever going to be single again, but I think having the experience of living alone is VITALLY important to being confident in one’s relationship and not feeling like you missed out farther down the line, as is having financial options if it doesn’t work out.

Ask my 25-year old sister. Got married at 21, didn’t live with him until they’d bought a house together, got divorced at 23 after she found all his child porn and he started pushing her around, and is now living in my mom’s spare room because she had to short-sell the house and he ruined her credit :/

 P.S. And did I mention my family had known him since high school? We never saw it coming.

Post # 42
Hostess
3868 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

 

Mal_Adjusted: ljm308: YES.  My sister did this too- married while still in college and went straight from living with our parents to moving in with her hubs.  It’s been rocky.  I met my Fiance freshman year of college, so I can get defensive about young relationships, but it’s very true that our relationship changed over the years.  We were definitely co-dependant early on and I’m SO glad we pushed each other to be more independant and lived on our own. 

Financial independence is sooo important OP! 

Post # 44
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Loveless Barn

ringfever123:  I don’t have anything specific to add. Just wanted to say that you seem like a thoughtful person. You’ve gotten a wide variety of advice and a lot of personal stories. In the end, none of us can predict with certainty what will happen. You know your significant other way better than we do. My personal guess would be that if plans to propose, he will, probably whether you move in with him or not beforehand. Good luck! Girlfriends are usually helpful!

Post # 45
Member
2158 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

ringfever123:  I think the key thing here is really for you to figure out what YOU want, for you! 🙂 Not what you want to do in order to please your parents, and not what you want to do to please your SO. But what feels like the right thing, for you, in your gut. That’s what you should listen to and stand by. 

Personally, it’s always been really important to me to live with my SO before considering marriage. Simply because I find that when you live with someone you really get to know them. I don’t agree with the fears of ”if I play wife he won’t have any motivatoin to really make me his wife..” if a man wants to marry you, he will marry you. I lived with my husband before we got engaged and he proposed 8 months after we moved in. 

However, some people feel that it’s very important to them to be engaged first and move in later, and that’s fine too. But it’s not clear from your post whether you’re one of these people or whether you’re just communicating your parents’ point of view. I think that’s what you need to work out – how do YOU really feel about all this. 

Finally, some bees raised a good point about living alone. I also lived alone for a long time before I moved in with my SO, and it was really valuable in terms of getting to know myself, learning to manage finances, handling day-to-day activities, things like getting someone in to fix electricity, making my own food.. I can’t imagine moving out of my parents’ home and straight into my husband’s home. Again, that’s not something you’ve really mentionned.. is this something you’ve considered? 

I think the bottom line is that any of these choices are ok. But what matters is that you need to be making the right choice for you. You need to be completely happy with your choice, regardless of what other people think about it. So my advice is – spend some quality time thinking about what YOU really want, and go with that, no matter what your parents, your SO or anyone else thinks about it. 

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