Post # 1
This is my first thread here… I just got engaged last week! My fiance is wonderful and I love him very much. But we only just started wedding planning and already are in a huge argument over location of the wedding. I grew up in the Chicago suburbs and that’s where my family & family friends are. He grew up in MD and his family & family friends are there. We both live in New York. Originally when we talked about it just the two of us, we envisioned how cool a New York wedding could be – it’s the city where we live, it would reflect our personality, etc. Though I warned him my parents would push for Chicago – all my family friends are there and are unlikely to travel to the East Coast for a wedding, so if we had it in NYC my parents wouldn’t have their people there (they’re immigrants and their families live in another country, so the family friends in Chicago are like their “family” here in the states).
So when I started talking wedding with my parents, as expected, they really want it in chicago so all their family friends will be there. I’m open to Chicago– I know my friends will still go to a Chicago wedding, it is where I grew up after all, and I feel guilty at the thought of making my parents be all by themselves at their only daughter’s wedding if it was in NYC. They have no relatives in the US and our family friends would likely not make the trip from chicago to new york.
I told my fiance and hoped he’d be open to Chicago but he’s really upset and thinks that he can’t be as involved in the planning because it’s a city he doesn’t know, he thinks a lot of his friends won’t come, he thinks my parents winning this argument is a symbol of everything to come and that if I let my parents have this, my parents will get their way through the entire planning process. He also thinks that the wedding will no longer reflect our personalities and we won’t be able to do the quirky ideas we had for our new york wedding — even though I told him I still want to do everything else the same way we talked about, and I still think the ceremony and reception can reflect our personalities, it’s just a change of venue.
I have no idea what to do. It feels like a battle I can’t win. Either my parents are upset or my Fiance is upset. What would you do?
This topic was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by newyorker6.
Post # 2
Without considering what your parents or Fiance think, which city do you prefer for the wedding? Your decision is yours. They’ll get over it eventually. Congrats on the engagement!
Post # 3
Fiance is right… you should make your decision together, not your parents’ choice at all. It’d be a shame if they don’t come or if their friends don’t come, but this isn’t about them, it’s about the two of you. That’s not even so far to travel! My husband was from CA and me from the east coast… we live in the southwest, with minimal friends around and only one family member. We had our wedding in the southwest. The people who had the time and/or inclination came to our wedding, those that didn’t, did not. Sure it was fewer people than I’d have invited were we having the wedding east, but the most important ones were able to be there.
I think New York is a good compromise, just like the middle was a good compromise for us.
ETA: just read the post above mine. Doesn’t make sense to me. The decision is not yours alone, it’s the first big decision for you AND your fiance and you do need to consider his points, not just blow over him and go to Chicago (or whatever).
Post # 4
Who is paying for the wedding? If it’s your parents, then the wedding will probably end up in Chicago. If it’s you and your Fiance, then NY seems reasonable.
Post # 5
if your parents are paying for it they get to say. if you and fi are paying for it then you both need to work together to find a compromise.
Post # 6
If you are paying, honestly, NY seems like the best compormise, since neither you or Fiance are from there but you both live there now. However, if your parents are helping pay, they have a say which complicates thinigs.
If your Fiance and parents did not care, where would YOU like tohave the wedding? Just something t think about as well.
But it really should be YOU and Fiance having the most say since it is your day.
Post # 7
MelissainNC: thanks everyone for weighing in! To answer the money question, my parents are paying for most of it. His parents are chipping in some. We haven’t finalized exact number each set of parents will contribute yet since it’s still so early but I think it will be likely that my parents pick up at least half, if not more, of the cost. And I sort of do want them to pay bc I don’t really want Fiance and I to have to foot the bill all by ourselves- it would eat all the savings that we were putting towards eventually buying a house. So because they are paying a good chunk, if not most, of it, that’s why I’m giving them more leverage here.
FWIW, in the last few hrs Fiance called his parents and they were like, oh, we assumed it would be in Chicago, because that’s where she’s from.
In terms of what I want… I honestly don’t know. I like both cities. I’m a little torn personally. I grew up in Chicago so I have hometown pride and love a lot of things about the city. I also love my new home of NYC. I think Fiance is upset because he feels NYC represents our personalities more and Chicago is more my turf alone and not “ours”
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom
First of all CONGRATS!!!
It is traditional to have the wedding in the bride’s hometown….now, not everyone follows that tradition (I’m not!), but it is a sound reason you can offer to your Fiance to settle the argument.
Post # 9
Your parents are paying, they get a say. If your fi wants to do everything his way then you need to be footing the bill. Comes with the territory.
Post # 10
Well…I think where you have it will be decided by your budget What you can get for the money in NYC, and depending on your guest list, will probably shock you once you start looking. NYC weddings come with a high price tag.
Post # 11
This is not your parents’ wedding. They already had their wedding. YOUR wedding should be held wherever you and your Fiance want.
Post # 12
We decided to forego my hometown and get married where Darling Husband and I live… My parents love it here, though, and they lived here throughout school, so it wasn’t a totally random town for them.
Have you had a chance to compare pricing between New York and the Chicago suburbs? My guess is you could get more wedding for less $$ if you went your parents’ route!
Post # 13
newyorker6: In order for marriage to work, in my opinion anyway, you have to learn to make decisions with your partner above all other people and do what is best for the two of you, not others. I think you need to take his side and make the decision with your future husband and hopefully your parents understand that you need to do what is best for you and Fiance. Good luck!
Post # 14
I was kind of on your fiance’s side until I saw the part about your parents are paying for most of it. That kind of changes things…. One one hand, chicago and NYC are really not that far apart. Anyone super close to you should be either to go to either place. But with immigrant parents who are older, I get it. One of my best friends is from Chicago with Greek immigrant parents who are very old school, so I’m imagning this situaiton if they were the parents in question. In that case, Yeah, I can see that their community is pretty frugal and old fashioned and doesn’t really travel for family friend’s weddings. I think that your fiance should realize that if they are paying, he has to comprimise. If he’s willing to forgo their financial contribution (or downgrade it to the same amount as his parents) he could keep fighting for NYC. But another thing to consider is that NYC is SOO EXPENSIVE. Even if I lived in NYC, my wedding would probably have to be out in the burbs or something becuase who can afford the wedding they want in NYC??? I bet a lot of people who live in NYC have the weddings in their hometowns for that reason. Try to pitch to him as “not only will they pay for it if we do it in Chicago, we’ll get way more for our money, yatta yatta”. Also by doing in not in NYC you get the quality people, people who care enough about you to actually travel a few hours to Chicago (come on, we’re not talkign about cross country or destination, it’s an hour and a half plane ride!) and you’ll whittle down people who just want a free party night. Sorry this is causing turmoil for you guys! Dudes should let the Bride choose everything I think! 😛
Post # 15
Congratulations on your engagement!
A NY wedding sounds fantastic if you and your Fiance are paying–but expect it to be very, very expensive. If your parents are paying for most of the wedding and really want it to be in Chicago you have to respect their input. Plus, while Chicago isn’t a budget city a wedding there will cost less than in NYC. Surely your Fiance can understand all of that.
Weddings are complicated exercises in compromise–not bad training for marriage. Good luck, Bee!