(Closed) Stuck in a career that I hate and I don't know how to cope.

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
1746 posts
Bumble bee

If patient care is what makes you hate your job, there are often non-clinical type jobs available.  Nursing – reviewing charts for utilization, specializing in information management and training others how to use the EMR, etc. I would assume that if you are talking about RT or other health care field, that with a little out of the box thinking (and maybe a bit more school to specialize) you could use your degree but find a way to avoid whatever part of it is the most bothersome. 

Post # 3
20 posts
  • Wedding: July 2016

I’m sorry you’re having such a crap time 🙁 LOTS of people studyed in a field they no longer work in, you are not trapped by this.  In five years time you could be writing the exact same post or you could have done something to change it.

I’m not going to talk about what you should do with your marraige, maybe councelling would help but honestly I wouldn’t want to be with someone who made huge choices like that without any consideration to my feelings.

So you don’t want to work in health care, is there anything else you would like to do? I know you said you would like to be a Stay-At-Home Mom but you may need to accept that that just isn’t possible for you.  What about being a WAHM or looking after some more children in your home?

To ease your financial situation you may need to make some tough shoices too.  Moving somewhere smaller, cutting vacations, second cars etc Your daughter will never know the difference in these material things, but she’ll know the difference in a happy parent.

Please don’t feel that you have no options. you have plenty (although I’m sure none of them is the perfect one that we all wish for).

Post # 4
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

It sounds like you decided a long time ago you were not going to enjoy your profession. I do not buy that there is not a single positive thing about your work, or that there is not a single thing you can do to improve your situation. The only trap you are in is one you have trapped yourself in. Spend some time determining exactly what parts of your job you enjoy, and what parts you find unbearable. Use that information to formulate a plan to get to where you can be happy at work. It is possible, people change careers every day. You don’t necessarily have to make a huge change or go back to school either. I also think there’s something to be said about tellig yourself you are miserable then causing you to be more miserable in an endless cycle of misery and self pity. I’m not saying you should just stay at a job you hate, but I think there’s something to be said about forcing no yourself to have a positive attitude in terms of helping you cope with a job while you look for another. 

As for your husband- tbh it sounds like you resent the fact that he doesn’t hate his job, and resent the fact that he is not making enough money for you to just stay home. That’s not fair. He might have encouraged you to stay in your field, but did he force you? Did he say you have no other options? Or when it came up in conversation did he merely point out that it was more logical to keep moving forward rather than throw in the towel and start from scratch? It sounds like at the time neither of you knew just how much you were going to hate your current job. 

Post # 6
1746 posts
Bumble bee

So … RT.  What would it take for you to teach RT students?  How about trying to find something associated with sleep studies and training people to use CPAP/BiPAP?  Maybe you’d take a bit of a pay cut – but if you kept benefits it might work.  Maybe you’ve heard common complaints from patients/spouses and you could start a niche company that would fill their needs (but away from the hospital).    Is there a position in your hospital where an RT provides continuing ed / or inservices to keep staff up to date on equipement?  Maybe there is a position where you could do home visiting services to make sure that people on home O2 have adequate supplies etc.  That’s still patient care, but may be a better fit than critical hospitalized patients.  

Post # 7
47254 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

stuckinahardplace :  I know 2 RT’s who are now in sales working for the companies that sell home oxygen, nebulizers etc. Would that interest you?

Post # 8
829 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

stuckinahardplace : 

You sound so frustrated and so trapped, and my heart goes out to you.

However, you do sound really jealous that your husband isn’t miserable, since you say “I don’t think it’s fair that we are paying back on both our student loans while he doesn’t have to work in his field while I do”. If he is contributing financially, why do you resent him for having a job outside of his field? Do you think he would be making more money, or working shorter hours, if he were working in his field? If so, those are valid complaints, and potential reasons why it would be better for your family for him to work in his field. If not, then there is no reason that you should be this upset about him working in another field, just because he is happier than you are in your field!

That said, I think you have an incredibly valid complaint about him not consulting you before starting his own company. How long was it in development before he finally told you? Is it common in your relationship for him to disregard your input? Do you guys have communication problems in other areas of your relationship? This seems like a big red flag.

It seems like a huge burden has been placed on your shoulders – working near full-time in a stressfull field, and also caring for your daughter and the household, since your husband is working such long hours. These major life decisions should have been made jointly, and agreed to by both you and your husband. Did he acknowledge how much his new career would affect you?

Could your husband work remotely, if you guys moved to a lower-cost-of-living area?

If you separate from your husband, could you move in with family temporarily while you work on a job change?

Whether with your husband or on your own, perhaps you should consider a whole new career, thinking outside the box. For example, maybe you chould teach middle school or high school science classes? A lot of city school districts have accelorated teacher training programs, where you can get your certificate by taking evening classes over 1 year, then be on “probation” for a couple years, then be a fully-certified teacher. There HAVE to be other career options that you would find more fulfilling than your current state of misery, Bee!


Post # 9
7899 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

A lot of people have degrees that aren’t really relevant to their current work, but it wasn’t fair for him to make such a big life financial decision without consulting you. What’s done is done though. I can see how it would be difficult to make a big career change given the lack of stability and benefits from his work. Aside from not liking your field, I hear a lot of anxiety about your current work. Does your workplace have some free confidential mental health services for its employees? It might help to just talk things out with a professional to re-evaluate. 

Post # 10
285 posts
Helper bee

I also second talking to someone professionally at least to help you deal with your anxiety.  I’m sorry that your life circumstances currently do not permit you being able to leave a job that you hate, but I do think that sometimes when we are depressed/anxious it is difficult to think outside of the box and come up with solutions.  Speaking with someone may help you to at least reduce your anxiety and get in the right frame of mind so that you can begin to deal with your present challenges.  I would also be very upset if my husband made such a big life choice without consulting me.

Post # 11
3452 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

From reading this here’s my two cents but I wholeheartedly agree with above suggestions to see a professional.

-He encouraged you to get your degree and license since you already put time, effort and money into the program. This was smart.

-He did NOT (from what I can tell above) suggest you only work a particular job you hated all your life, merely that you finish school. There are plenty of people in this world, RT included, who find work in other departments or do other things after getting licensed.

-It seems like you would be happier if he were also as miserable at his job as you are which is kind of awful on your part. I understand your frustration but he’s happy with what he does regardless if its in his chosen field or not and its financially stable so its not ok to resent him for it. After all isn’t job happiness your personal goal?

-Starting a business without consulting or discussing details with you was DEAD WRONG. No excuse for this. I’m happy its turned out ok financially bc most businesses fail in the first year but that doesn’t excuse how he did it.

-You’re extremely unhappy it seems and I feel for you. Both in your personal and professional life. If you feel you have no control at home learn how to start taking some. Outright tell him how miserable you are at your current job and formulate an alternative plan. If he loves you he’ll support the decision, if he doesn’t understand or support you then thats a different story.

-Life IS too short to contribute nearly 1/3 or more of ones existence to a job thats draining the life out of you. 100% agree on that.

-Seek a professional!







Post # 13
3452 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

stuckinahardplace :  I apologize but I assumed things were ok financially since he claimed you weren’t hurting for money. But given your response he’s being very unreasonable and I think it would benefit both of you to see a professional together if thats an option. Job searching in itself can be a long and stressful process so try not to get further frustrated and unhappy. It takes time. Wish you the best. 

Post # 14
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

stuckinahardplace :  I just wanted to say I’m sorry.  I know that hating your job starts affecting all of your life and moods and happiness and gets so miserable.

I definitely think you should consider finding a new job.  It would be ideal if your husband were on the same page, but if you continue being miserable it will affect your health and relationship.  

I wouldn’t normally suggest this, but I think you need to also consider making a spreadsheet of showing his income and yours and proportionately what is being paid by each of you.  Then you can explain how even a paycut would mean you’d still be paying bills pretty evenly.  While it’s great for him to be happy and self employed, it doesn’t mean you don’t get a chance to not be shouldering the financial burden either.  I think you could say that in X months (6 months or 9 months) you want to be able to change jobs.  That gives him a chance to evaluate what changes might need to be made or let you have a chance to build up some savings and make lifestyle changes so that it’s easier for when you take a paycut.  And it gives you a specific timeline of when you can start making changes and being happier.

Post # 15
1536 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

The solution to you hating your job in your chosen field and him not hating his job outside of his chosen field, is not that he needs to be in his chosen field and hating his job too.  I don’t think you’re going to get anywhere with the approach of “Well I listened to you and stayed in my field and now I’m miserable, so it’s only fair that you give up your self-employment and get in your chosen field too and see how that feels.”

If you already have the background and the knowledge of the medical terms, would it be possible to look into being a scribe or medical transcriptionist?  You could also look into joining a legal records service and take on projects summarizing medical records for personal injury cases.  

Since your husband just launched his own plan without saying word one to you, he has no right to say anything if you just came up with a plan and did it too.  You are not obligated to stay in a job you hate just to subsidize him being able to be in a job he likes, just as he’s not obligated to take a better-paying job in engineering just to subsidize you being able to be a Stay-At-Home Mom.  Fair is fair.  

Figure out a plan and let him know that that’s what you’re doing.  You don’t need his permission.  

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