Stuck in a rut

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
7152 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

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sunsetsnmargaritas :  Is it possible you’re experiencing seasonal depression?  Especially after coming back from such warm weather and a high point of your life?

Post # 3
Member
784 posts
Busy bee

You’ve mentioned you have had feelings liek this in the past…does your husvand know about these feelings?  Is there a way you can compromise on where you live, maybe in a different city or area in the state, where the weather may be slightly better year round? 

 

I think where you live plays a huge part in how you feel and how productive you can be. When im in the cold or overcasted/rainy weather, I will be more lethargic and lazy and unmotivated. I have to really drag my butt out of the house just to go to the groceries or do something. Maybe when you get to meet people, plan a day to see them and hangout a little. It will help a lot. 

Sorry you feel this way. I hope it is seasonal depression, nothing more. Speak to your husband! 🙂

Post # 4
Member
5117 posts
Bee Keeper

I hear you with the weather. It’s ice and snow here and my dog needs her run in the woods, but that’s not happening because I don’t want to break my neck. So she’s being a pain in the ass and I feel a bit lazy. It’s a crappy time of year. What about the gym? What you need is vigorous exercise.

Post # 5
Member
2780 posts
Sugar bee

I can definitely relate. I am having one of those days myself where I told myself I’d be productive and then ended up spending way too long in bed, went down some internet rabbit holes, etc. I often just don’t have the motivation to do much. I also struggle with this because I work from home a lot and I don’t have a set number of hours I need to work but I always know I could be doing something work related. Having an unstructured type of work is great in a lot of ways, but also really challenging in terms of motivation. The truth is I frequently feel drained, like I don’t have the energy/desire to get work done beyond the stuff that I need to do to meet external deadlines. If it’s not urgent, I can put it off. 

It’s weird because I think from the outside I seem very organized and together. I’m a high achiever.  I stay on top of emails and meet deadlines, eat three meals a day, manage my finances, have a good relationship with my husband, volunteer weekly. I don’t feel unhappy. But then when left to my own devices I just want to sit in bed and watch netflix and not do anything or interact with anyone. I don’t find myself getting excited about much. Like you I also live in a cold place that I don’t love, though thankfully my husband is also interested in moving eventually. When it’s warm I’m definitely happier and more motivated to go outside, but I’m still a homebody and still find motivation really hard.  

What I can say is that I respond really well to being on a schedule. When I have to get out of the house to do something, then I can at least feel like I’m checking something off my list and the day wasn’t wasted. I schedule things like weekly volunteering commitments because I know they make me feel good and give me a reason to get out. In your case, since you know you’d enjoy things like exercise or a manicure, I’d recommend making an appointment for a manicure and signing up for an exercise class, so that you have an external motivation to go do those things and can’t keep putting it off.

I also find that implementing small habits is also more achievable than trying to make a sweeping change. When I’m feeling down I often make lists for myself of things I want to implement daily, weekly, monthly — things like “call a friend once a week”, “take a walk around the neighborhood”, “write a list of things I’m grateful for”, “journal for 20 minutes”, etc. It feels good to check those things off my list, and adding them to my calendar reminds me to practice self care habits. 

Post # 6
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

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sunsetsnmargaritas :  How are you now? Have you figured out something yet?

I really feel you, as I’m in a similar situation; I’m living since 3 years in husbands country and while I found work really quick and made some three good friends, I feel like you do. I wasn’t able to connect to this city and there are so many downsides that in the beginning every aspect of life was suddenly so difficult. Things that I think should be simple and not take a lot of space. And things got worse for me now that I don’t have a lot of work anymore. I also can come up with things I could do, but I don’t have the motivation to do them. I know that these are like symptoms of depression (I’ve been taking medications for many years), but it feels so hard  to get myself out of it.

Post # 7
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 1995

I know exactly how you feel.  After college I left my home state of Florida and moved to Minnesota and married my college sweetheart.  I detest the cold and honestly I found it to be a depressing place for me. It just never felt like home.  I don’t have any advice, except to say MOVE if you can.  We moved to California after 4 years in Minnesota and it was the most fantastic and exciting place for us at the time. 

By the way my husband’s whole family are in Minnesota, but he wanted to leave as much as I did. So see what your husband’s feelings are. 

Post # 8
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

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sunsetsnmargaritas :  Hi OP. I hope you’re doing better. 

I can really relate to your post. I left everything behind (my job, my family, my home, my country – everything except my dog!) to move to my husband’s country. 

He travels for weeks at a time, sometimes only coming home for a few nights before hitting the road again. 

And here I am, just me and my dog, in an empty apartment. 

Feelings of depression can set in quickly, and daily. I often tell myself I should do things to better my life, things that will generate happiness. I can think these things all I want but I still find myself being lazy on the couch binge watching Netflix and ordering food instead of cooking a nice  meal for myself. Even going to the grocery store seems daunting to me because I am still struggling to use/understand the language. Luckily, I go to language classes a few days a week, so that has been adding a bit of a social aspect to my life. 

There are some days where I am positive and do things, good days. But they have been outnumbered and outweighed by bad ones. 

I talk to my DH about these feelings and he wants to help me find my way here, but I’m not sure he knows how because he doesn’t really get depressed, he’s such a well balanced and emotionally stable guy (not complaining! Lol). I’m too young to be home alone every day. 

I plan on amping up my class time every week to go out more and learn the language faster. Otherwise, it really is up to me to enrich my life. Things I think will help… getting up early and going to bed at a descent time, establishing a stable sleep routine and not missing out on half the day due to sleeping in. Pushing myself to do the things I enjoy like reading, writing, long walks with my dog to get out. Cooking and eating well. I don’t think there’s a magic formula, we just need to do it. I also find that decorating/cleaning our apartment makes me happy because I am making it into a nice home for me and DH. Studying my language lessons also help me feel accomplished and like I’m moving in the right direction.

Lastly, I really believe in the power of journaling… it helps get your thoughts unknotted and helps you maintain a sense of focus and direction. 

I hope this helped a little. 

Post # 9
Member
11139 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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sunsetsnmargaritas :  

Sounds like depression symptoms, sweetie.  Totally understandable, you have been through some pretty major life upheavals.

If it is depression, you won’t be able to force yourself to get out and do things via sheer willpower. The depression has to be treated first, or nothing else is going to work.

There are effective treatment options, including meds, available. Do you have a primary care doctor?  With some insurance plans, you can self refer for mental health services.

Get yourself checked out for depression. It’s extremely common, and, I think, a good fit for what you’re describing.

Post # 10
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

How about a dog? Would make you get out of the house each day and lots of furry kisses always helps. Or it did for me anyway. Just a thought!

Post # 11
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

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mcbee :  I was actually going to say that as well. Although I have cats and not dogs, but a pet is such a great companion and helps to ease symptoms of depression.

Post # 12
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

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silverbee :  How did you decide to move to California? Was it because one of you was offered work there? I find it so difficult to decide where we could go, when there’s no outside factor, like work, that is making you move to a certain place. So I’m afraid that it would turn out the same as in the current situation and I wouldn’t even know how to keep being motivated.

Post # 13
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 1995

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bellabelle12 :  Yes, it was for work.  In Minnesota my husband enrolled in a CG Animation program. Once he graduated, all the work for this profession was in California at that time. After a few freelance gigs in L.A. he landed a full-time position.  Immediately I put our Minnesota house on the market, quit my Minnesota job, packed up a U-Haul and our two cats and got the heck out of Dodge. Never looked back.

In my case, I would say it was the place itself that was depressing me. Once I was removed from Minnesota I thrived. 

In your case, did you feel this way BEFORE you moved to your husband’s country?

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