Stuck in break up rut

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
27 posts
Newbee

I have been there, and I have multiple friends right now dealing with earth shattering break ups.  The fact is, it ended because there was something not working in your relationship.  It hurts now and it could hurt awhile, but it lessens and then it stops.

My last relationship almost killed me emotionally.  It was 4 years of fighting and being with someone mentally unstable, and wanting to be there for him and not being able to and just waiting til he wanted to be affectionate again.  Breaking up with him felt like abandoning someone who needed me and having to learn my identity all over again. I live 1000 miles from family and did feel alone a lot.  I joined a stupid flag footballer team, and hated going to the games but there were moments I laughed and forgot about my pain.  I’d go to social events and feel empty sometimes, but I laughed and it got me out of my head and the moment I felt done I left.  I gave up alcohol for that time so that I wouldn’t spiral into a deeper depression.  I listened to a lot of sad music and cried.  I rewatched How I Met Your Mother over and over again.  I kind of leaned into the pain.

Shockingly enough I’m in a happy relationship now, but once in awhile my heart feels like it’s being squeezed and I remember that pain.  You have to remember that what you’re feeling is normal and even right.  You work through it because you’re strong.  You’re giving yourself time to heal.

Post # 3
Member
551 posts
Busy bee

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

I think for your own sanity you need to go No Contact. Block him on everything. It’s way too painful and that’s probably why you’re feeling so awful.

Confide in your counselor and try to find one good thing about every day that you can focus on.

Maybe if you’re feeling too down to go out and do things you could start small- take a part of your house/apartment and de-clutter or deep clean your kitchen while listening to music. Or throw yourself into writing. Or scrapbooking some of your favorite photos with family or friends. Or coloring in a coloring book! I love doing crosswords lol. Even video games can be fun. Or practice cooking. Put on your favorite comedy and just do little mundane things and make them fun 🙂 or maybe you adopt a pet! Now could be a great time to meet a furry new friend 🙂

If you block him from your life and focus on yourself then I think you will quickly start to feel better

Hope this helps!! honeybeehoney :  

Post # 4
Member
2816 posts
Sugar bee

What you’re feeling is normal. It’s simply not possible to stop thinking about it, but what helped me was to compartmentalize it Think of putting it aside in a little box tucked away that you’ll deal with in time. Keep doing that and then find other diversions. I got very into exercise, it boosts endorphins. I learned a new activity that I love – skiing. Then I went on a vacation with a couple friends and decided to learn to scuba dive when I got back home. You have to provide distractions for your mind. Keep feeding it the same old stuff will take you down the same old sad path.

You can do this, but it will go faster if you get rid of your negativity – “I don’t want to do x…”.

Post # 5
Member
245 posts
Helper bee

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me 2.5 months ago now, so I just went/am going through this. First 3 weeks were hell.

 

What helped me immensely was journaling, something I’d never done before. I had 2 journals – the “bad” one and the “good one”. I highly recommend it, its done wonders for me.

 

The Bad One

  • Everything that was wrong about the relationship
  • Things he promised that he never acted on
  • Ways he was controlling/manipulative
  • All the things I wish I could say to him (don’t hold back. There were a LOT of f* you’s on there scribbled deep into the paper lol)
  • Why it didn’t work out
  • Random thoughts how you’re feeling

 

The Good One

  • AKA my “Gratitude” journal
  • Each day I write things I’m grateful for
  • No matter how bad of a day you’re having you must write something – can literally be anything. I’m grateful for my friends, I’m grateful for the coffee I had this morning, I’m grateful for the stranger who smiled at me for no reason…anything and everything

 

I would write in my bad book first, get it all out, cry, get super angry. Then I’d put it away and write in my good book.

 

I haven’t written in my bad book in over a month now, but my good book I’ve continued to write in daily.

 

Wishing you all the best

 

Post # 6
Member
382 posts
Helper bee

I was in a relationship for five years with my ex. It litterally killed me when I finally broke things off because it was never going to progress into what I wanted it to be. I loved him. So much. I went to therapy before we had broke up and honestly it put things into a perspective that I would never would of thought of. I did get put on medication, but that’s because I had underlying issues  – and the therapist helped me push through these issues. I did my work to better myself, to fix myself. I couldn’t fix my ex as much as I wanted too. I couldn’t take away any of the pain he felt. I thought about this for days on end. What you’re feeling is quite normal and everyone processes things differently and at different rates. You are grieving- it’s almost like a death and in a way it sort of is. Let yourself cry and get it all out.

One day I got sick and tired of thinking about my past relationship. There was nothing I could do and it wasn’t worth moping about. I joined a bowling league, which was super fun. I volunteered at an animal shelter. I spent time with my friends. I wrote down thoughts and kept them in a journal. It really does get better with time.

Finally I put myself back out there. I went on dates- some good, some awful. I briefly dated some ass for a few months and it made me realize what I was actually looking for in a partner. I ended up being in contact with my now SO- we had met at this place we worked at like 10 years ago. It’s going well, I’m happy, healthy, and I’m moving into his place this summer. One of my coworkers said to me “You have to kiss a lot of frogs until you find your prince”. She was right.

Post # 7
Member
7707 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

honeybeehoney :  

 I don’t want sound dismissive OP because it it the very last thing I feel. My situation  is different , in that I should be 100% happy right now, having got something I longed for . Instead I kind of emapthise with this   ” I’m at my absolute wits end. I can’t keep doing this to myself because my mental health has been destroyed..its all  I think about like my world revolves around it” 

as I feel constant ongoing nonstop anxiety about handling  the very thing I wished  and fought for.  But, one  thing really is true OP , for both of  us,  and  that is ‘you will get over it’ ‘give it time’. It sounds clichéd and banal and as if they don’t care . But they  do and it is true . This Too Shall Pass

We must keep replacing the bad obsessive thoughts  with other  more mundane ones ( order in which  to cull your wardrobe  or something ) Read easy stuff , watch  mindless tv , whatever for the time being. But This Too Shall Pass

And breathe,  breathe slowly in and out  …

Thinking  of you . And do not contact him or accept contact from him , no matter what .  

Post # 8
Member
31 posts
Newbee

I went through a breakup almost a month ago. Posted about it on the forums here. So… I feel you. 

 

Emotional recovery is definitely NOT a straight line. Last week I felt still vaguely sad but also pretty upbeat. This week I had PMS and a menstrual migraine and was just emotional in general… And saw my ex’s favorite musical (not with him, I’d had the ticket & plans to go with some other people for months in advance) last night. So I was sad and I feel like I’ve regressed this week. I’m back to not sleeping and being a bit nauseous. But those are also my regular PMS/menstrual migraine symptoms, so I’m trying to not beat myself up either. 

I’ve leaned on my family and friends, and my therapist. I set weekly goals to accomplish with my therapist and she keeps me accountable – so I get things done each week. My parents are starting to be less supportive (at 23 days of absolutely no contact with him now) of my sad spells, just because they don’t like to see me hurting. But I’m closer to them than I have been in a few years, so that’s a nice upside. I’ve been hugging my mom a lot when I do see her, which we both enjoy, even if she doesn’t like the reason I’ve suddenly become much more touchy. I went to see a movie with my best friend – the first time in a theater in 2 years without holding his hand. Sad thoughts broke through a few times during the movie, but I survived and enjoyed Captain Marvel as much as I hoped I would anyway. 

 

I can’t help much besides saying that I (sort of – everyone is different) get how you’re feeling. Sometimes hearing from someone else going through the same thing helps me feel not as alone. 

 

I’ve heard that after day 60 of no contact it’s a lot easier to get some perspective and distance and your feelings are much less intense. In the meantime, try journaling all your feelings (but not reading back what you wrote if you can help it). I try to follow youtube cardio workouts (don’t have to leave your house but still get the endorphins and other benefits!) and have gone to dinner with multiple friends. I dropped my main hobby for a week or two, then forced myself to pick it back up. Always felt better after working at something else for an hour. Went to a 90-minute yoga class even if it seemed like A LOT of mental effort when I walked into the studio.

 

Don’t get me wrong – I cried A LOT in the first 1.5 weeks. So much that I think I dehydrated myself a few times. I had wine with friends and vented and reminisced and hashed things out. I, an adult woman, cried in my dad’s arms AND my mom’s arms AND to an office mate (after everyone else left the office – so yes, I cried at work). Every time I talked about it, it was easier to not cry. It helped me process. I’ve only full-out cried once or twice in the 2 weeks since then. It’s okay to mark your progress in terms of “I cried less today.” Everyone processes differently. But AFTER you do that… You’ve got to force yourself out of bed. Otherwise, you’ll be stuck in a loop. I counted it a success if I realized at first that I’d gone 30 whole minutes without thinking about him. Funny sitcoms helped with that. Then a full hour without thinking about him. One day I went a full three hours without being sad. Not all in a row, but all in the same day. haha. Being part of (what I thought was) a committed couple was part of my identity for 2 years. And he was the first man I ever really, truly fell in love with and thought I’d marry. It takes time. 

Post # 9
Member
58 posts
Worker bee

I think the first thing is you had to adress the time from 6pm. to 11 p.m. each night. You are not going to get over this for awhile and that is totally understandable. You have to keep busy. Can you join a gym? Take a class? Start a new hobby? You should be out of the house at least three nights a week. Moping around the house is the worst thing you can do right now. All you will do is keep thinkng about the breakup. Force yourself to add some structure to your life even if its only taking a one hour walk around the park. As the days go by, you will find you are not thinking about it all the time and may even have some new things to look forward to. 

Post # 10
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

Practice some self care bee. Join some sort of exercise studio like Barre, Yoga, Spin, Pilates… something with motivational instructors and a community. Whenever I feel down my yoga community picks me up.

Post # 11
Member
501 posts
Busy bee

The bees are giving you lots of good advice. I just wanted to add that currently you are not ‘not in a relationship’ because you state you have been on and off. This is incredibly unhealthy and there is no way you can move on or feel better about anything until you stop engaging with him. Right now you are like an alcoholic trying to dry out in a bar – you can’t do it. 

Stop contacting him, stop responding to him. Go no contact and allow yourself time and space to grieve, because that is what you are doing. 

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