Stupid argument, am I justified?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

You’re not ridiculous

I would have brought it up as well.

He’s taking it out on you.

I have learned how important it is to not fight just to be right. Sounds like he was fighting with you just for that purpose. He could have simply apologized and prevented escalation. And yes, it was inconsiderate of him to be that way early in the morning and especially with how he would complain if you came close to doing the same thing.  In a relationship, you should bring up issues that bother you so do not feel bad about that so do not second guess yourself.

Post # 3
Member
781 posts
Busy bee

No, not ridiculous! I think you are in the right here. Your FI was inconsiderate. This is well within the scope of forgivable mistakes that don’t need to become a big deal, but he does owe you an apology once he’s calmed down.

Post # 4
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

You don’t sound like you’re being ridiculous at all! In the morning you were trying to sleep, and during the day he was out so the evening would have been the first chance you had to speak to him about it. What else could you have done except say nothing? Which would have been unhealthy for you and ultimately the relationship as well.

If he was in a bad mood because of arguing with his ex, he might have felt a bit ambushed (who wants to go from one arguement to another?) But that doesn’t excuse him for his foul attitude or the way he responded to you. It really does sound like he owes you an apology.

When things have calmed down a bit it might be worth while asking him if you can have a conversation about the way you guys communicate, especially after he’s had an arguement with his ex. Allow him to say no if he’s not in the right frame of mind, but make sure he knows that you need to talk at some point. Hopefully that way you can sort things out without it turning into an arguement. 

Post # 5
Member
1292 posts
Bumble bee

Sounds like he has a bad temper and a big ego and gets defensive. Not an attractive combination of traits…

Sounds like you guys would benefit from sitting down when NOT mad at each other and discussing emotional validation vs defensiveness. Emotional validation is a more team-oriented approach to disagreements, whereas defensiveness is “me-oriented” and will escalate an argument every single time. 

He took your observation as an attack, when he should have instead seen it as you stating a need for empathy. 

On the other hand, we can’t know how exactly you approached the topic. If you approached him in a very blaming way, after being cold with him/not giving him a chance to de-stress, etc., then his reaction is a little more understandable re feeling attacked. If you take care of your side of things in the sense that you state things in a neutral way as opposed to attacking, and make sure he’s in a more receptive state of mind as opposed to a grumpy one, then any negative reaction on his part is soley on HIM. 

Also, small note, I definitely would not be ok with my partner snapping at me just because I accidentally woke them up in the morning. It’s stuff like that (small instances of anger and disrespect) that eventually add up and erode love and trust in a LTR. 

Post # 6
Member
363 posts
Helper bee

Raised your voice an octave? Like a chipmunk? 🙂 

Post # 7
Member
8652 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If the ex blew him off on his court appointed day he should document and take her to court, not take matters into his own hands. That was a very stupid move. He only risks being held in defiance of court orders himself. 

I don’t think you were being unreasonable in your request at all, or for pointing out the double standard. He sounds like a defensive, self centered type of person, with a temper. Maybe his ex knows something you don’t? 

Post # 8
Member
5639 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

lavenderbee3 :  I agree with PPs, you are being reasonable. AND he shouldn’t keep the kids longer, he’ll get in trouble, too. Does he ever plan ahead? I mean, realistically, had he packed it up the night before, he’d just need to scoop the kids up and walk out the door. That would make me nuts. Not the most considerate guy in the world.

Post # 9
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee

Nope, you brought something up and he got defensive because he’s in a right shit mood from dealing with his ex. FX he realizes this and apologizes for it later. My SO’s got a couple of things that send him over the edge into a crap mood (baby mama ex being one of them), so I totally get it. I’m sorry he took it out on you. 

Post # 10
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

No,  not ridiculous… but that’s still a losing argument. He was already in a bad mood, and you could be more rational than his ex – just tell him you didn’t appreciate that he was inconsiderate, and let it go after that. Unless he’s waking you early a lot,  it’s just not worth pecking the guy when he’s down. 

Post # 11
Member
5698 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

lavenderbee3 :  Your problem is not about lights or morning routines or light sleepers.

 

You guys need to work on your ability to communicate.  If this is a regular occurance for you two, I’d take it to counseling to lean some new strategies.  And I think your DH in general needs to work on his anger issues.  In just this post you mentioned that he: 

 – Got in a fight with his children’s mother and categorically decided that he’d resolve a custody issue by keeping his children over night.

 – Is notoriously “grumpy” in the morning.

 – Regularly freaks out at you about noise in the morning.  Espresses himself by ranting an raving.

 – Was totally unable to engage in a conversation about unfair expectations in your relationship.

None of those things are ok.  We all have bad days, but if this happens on a regular basis I think you two should be actively working on it or you might end up liek him and his children’s mother, at each other’s throats and totally missing the point (what’s best for the kids).

Post # 12
Member
722 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

cbgg :  yup, all of that ^

Post # 13
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Seems like he is the one who is being ridiculous.  DH was playing his video game one night about 2 weeks ago and he’s always very considerate of me needing my sleep because I wake up at 4 AM and communte an hr for work. But that night he was arguing with his friend and it woke me up. I stayed in bed and texted him the next morning when I left and told him he woke me and I had a hard time going back to sleep. He apologized and said it won’t happen again. No argument to be had.  It’s simple consideration for your partner. You are not being ridiculous. He is.

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