Post # 1
So I just found out that we cannot be married by any of our churches ministers.
A. They will not marry any that does not complete there marital counseling classes (6 week courses). There’s no way for us to do that cause we are living in hawai’i and our church is in sourthern california.
B. They will not marry us because we live together. I hate this reasons. My fiance and i have made a commitment to God ourselves, that i am sharing with you ladies, to stay abstinent after we moved in together and got engaged. It infuriating that they assume the worse of people because of living situations No where in the bible does it say a man and woman cannot live together unless married. They just worry about what other people would think of them. It’s ver upsetting.
Now I am at a loss as to what to do to have the ceremony mean something. is anyone else facing this situation? I’m so hurt and upset. 🙁
Post # 3
I think that god knows your committment to him and to your future husband. Don’t let arbitrary rules change that! Your ceremony will mean something because YOU TWO are making a committment to each other. I think that people get way too hung up on the specifics of religion and forget about the power of faith. If the Christian god is as loving and kind as it is stated, all that matters in your relationship with him – not with a specific church!
Post # 4
So you’re not getting married here, but in California? I feel you on the judgement about living together thing. We tried going to a church for a while but felt uncomfortable and a little judged when people figured out we live together. 🙁
Post # 5
Try a different church. Some are much more liberal and non-judgemental than others. We didn’t have to take any course put on by the church.
Post # 6
@littlemissmango: We both grew up, and fell in love in southern california. Both our families are there and we are true california’s at heart.
But thats not to say Hawai’i hasn’t become a huge part of our hearts as well.
As for the judgement, i’m almost to the point of tears thinking my ministries that I grew up with wouldn’t marry us. We aren’t sleeping together.. made that commitment to God, why does it matter that some minister has to give us the “okay”?
So much for accepting people where they are.
Post # 6
You can find someone! Plenty of officiants are willing to be open minded. Also, if you’re not going to be able to have a church anyway, a girlfriend of mine had her grandfather become an ordained “officiant” on the internet, and they were married by him, and it was more meaningful than any minister they didn’t really know. You can select any readings you would like and still keep it religious. It’s between you, your fiance and God, don’t let judgmental people ruin your special day!
Post # 7
Wow, that sucks. I mean, I’m Catholic and even most priests I know are like “Yeah, okay, you shouldn’t be living together, but you are now rectifying that by getting married!”
I suggest you try finding another church (I realize your options might be limited due to location), one with ministers who “get” you. I never usually pull out the ITE (in this economy) but seriously, two can live cheaper than one and I am shocked that NONE of your ministers grasp that the two of you aren’t just shacking up for the hell of it.
Post # 8
That is crap. My dad’s Church wouldn’t marry us either. (Some strict Lutheran Sect.) Try not to worry too much, you deserve to be married by someone who won’t judge 🙂
Post # 9
Our pastor will not marry us because we lived together previously (FI is currently living out of state for work)… I was annoyed, but we found another person. Sorry that you guys are dealing with this :-/
Post # 10
Are you sure none of the ministers in your denomination will marry you? I’m Lutheran and some pastors would do it if you’re living together, while other won’t. I’d try asking around different churches of the religion. Like a PP said, I’ve even heard this varies for Catholics and Baptists too. I don’t know much about specifics on other denominations.
Post # 11
@cbee: I agree. As difficult and hurtful as their attitudes are, you don’t want someone standing there on your wedding day who is judging your situation. Don’t be ashamed of your living situation; it’s nothing to be embarrassed of, and you know what’s right for you in your heart. You can find someone who will marry you happily and supportively!!
Post # 12
Have you actually talked to the ministers?
We’re Catholic and are living together, but still getting married in the church. They aren’t keen on it, but they know that times have changed, and for financial reasons, sometimes living apart just isn’t possible.
Also, I know some people have taken premarital classes at other churches of the same religion, and simply had the minister write a note.
I’d actually call and speak to your ministers, if you haven’t already. Weddings can bring in a lot of cash for churches, and most won’t turn one down, if only for that reason.
Post # 13
Those are not society’s rules; those are the rules of that particular church. I’m sorry you’re in that situation. Like PP’s stated, there are probably other churches out there that will be more than happy to perform the ceremony.
Post # 14
So this is bad, the first thing I thought of was to just lie and say you lived separately. Can’t tell I haven’t been to church in a few years, lol. Good luck finding a church!
Post # 15
If your own church won’t marry you, you might look at being married in a Unitarian Universalist church. They will marry people even if neither is a member of their church. And their ministers typically will not judge people for living together.