- 8 years ago
- Wedding: July 2011
Before even getting engaged I was worried about my friend’s reaction. She is really self-deprecating. She has low self-esteem. She has never had a successful, healthy relationship with a significant other. When she and I were single and it was only our third friend from college that we hang out with who had a boyfriend, it seemed ok, but as soon as Fiance showed up, she seemed a little resentful. Our coupled friend, J and I were really worried about her reaction once one of us got engaged. We try to not talk about our significant others while with her and unfortunately, it results in her not being involved in a lot of discussions for fear of hurting her feelings or drawing attention to her being single.
She seemed to take the email announcement I sent around alright, said all the right things in her voicemail, except “bring wedding magazines so you can be a bridezilla and make it all about you, I know you are just dying to”. Kinda hurtful and it made me worried about going to our already planned beach weekend but I didn’t want my first action as an engaged person to be ditching my friends for FI, so I went anways. I didn’t bring the wedding mags FI bought me. I didn’t want the weekend to be about me or my engagement. I vowed to make an effort to limit the discussion. I didn’t want a girls weekend to turn into a “me” weekend.
Unfortunately, it turned into a really awful weekend and I came home and cried in bed with FI for a little bit. Here are some choice highlights
-Before the weekend she made snarky contradictory comments to J about even talking about my wedding or bringing magazines, because it was so far off. Confusing, but whatever.
-Before the weekend, she said to J “At least there isn’t a ring for you to rip off her finger” I must have failed to mention my temp ring Fiance got me, he had to propoe before out mutually designed ring was complete lest I stalk all his hiding spots and expect a proposal every day. Besides, if I didn’t have a ring, would it be any less legit? Would my commitment be any less valid?
-Then I suggested that I wouldn’t register for gifts, because the sacrifice (time financial ect) that people would make to go away to a destination wedding is a gift enough to me, besides there is nothing I need. My friend said that she expected gifts at her wedding, that was the point, gifts at engagement party, bridal shower and wedding. But later on, she said not to expect one from her, she was a poor student. I wasn’t expecting gifts from anyone! Including her! But why was that comment necessary?
-Her family came later on Saturday. They were congratulating me (well, actually, giving their best wishes because I was informed etiquette dictated that only a groom gets congratulations). They were sharing proposals of her mom and aunt. Her mom told her dad that since he couldn’t afford a 2ct diamond like she wanted, not to get her anything. My friend interject something like “maybe thats what happened to you” referencing my temp ring. Granted, I left her out of the two meetings I have had at the jewelers to design my lovely sapphire e-ring, so she is unaware it was in the works. But jesus, to even joke that FI can’t afford my taste is wrong.
-At one point, my friend told me I wasn’t “nearly as bad as I expected you to be”. Well, that sentence implies she expected me to be horrible and although I wasn’t terrible, I was still not great. I tried REALLY hard to not bring it up. Frankly, I tried more than I probably needed to. I JUST GOT ENGAGED, sue me if I am excited and if I eagerly want to dog ear magazines and giggle with friends about dresses and flowers and cake. But just because I wanted to, doesn’t mean I did. I walked on eggshells worried about her feelings.
-At breakfast yesterday morning her family asked me about where and when I was debating getting married. I said the when was unknown, but there were several family/friend units that I wouldn’t proceed without, and will take into consideration their general availability. But I was thinking a destination wedding, maybe in the Florida keys, as it would be a direct flight for everyone to Miami, it is still continental us, not overly priced. I was then lectured by her father about how selfish a destination wedding is, what message it sends to my guests and that I am choosing myself over my guests. Pardon me if I don’t want to plan a family reunion. Pardon me if the point of the wedding is in fact joining FI and I together. I tried to counter that given that my family is in Maine and his family is in England, a neutral location seems fair. I can’t stomach my first action joining our families as choosing one family over the other by choosing one place over the other. While one family shells out for flights and hotels, the other goes home to their own beds at night. A Destination Wedding isn’t right for everyone and if I were marrying someone else, maybe it wouldn’t be right for me, but in the current situation, it does seem right and fair.
-Her dad then told me that I get the wedding I want once I have a daughter, but until then, it is my mother’s wedding.
-Then, once my cousin decided to finally call me back three days after it was announced her comments were limited to telling me it is “awfully soon” (its been a year) and then texting me later saying that the boyfriend (of 5 months MAX) who I have never met “better be invited”. Sure, she could have been joking, but by the end of my weekend, I didn’t find it funny.
This all generally upsets me. I will admit I went home and cried to Fiance. And if I could tell myself that it was isolated, it may roll off my back better. But I envision these being frequent sentiments shared by many people in my family and I worry that the entire engagement is going to be marred by defending my choices. The weekend totally sucked the joy out.
So Bees, if your eyes still work after reading this, how do I get a thicker skin? Do I develope a one sentence answer that I parrot out when people ask questions? And since when did a wedding become community property? uugg! Will this die down?