Post # 16
cassandra7 : I really appreciate your reply and you have valid points, but they are very, very off-base. I just posted and update that I seemingly appeared to paint Mother-In-Law as a bad, “my son is my baby” can’t cut the cord type of person and she isn’t in no way. She truly isn’t involved in our life in any extrodinary, way over-stepping the line kind of way. We most certainly do life our life separately, but we are close. I’m not sure how to explain that but its true. She definitely is not involved in our marriage, nor lifestyle or anything else. I will be taking your advice, similar to other PPs and not worry about engaging in a heart-to-heart or anything else.
sunburn : Really great idea! I actually thought about it last night, but both of our schedules are pretty busy now. I did think it would be a good opportunity to just hang out super casually outside of a bigger group (like the dinner Sunday) and be more intimate… not in a weird way, lol.
Post # 17
kmbumbee190618 : I’ve thrown dinners when I was working and going to school and my husband was gone 70 hours a week. No matter how busy you are, you can do this. It doesn’t have to be fancy, just edible!
Post # 18
sunburn : Totally hear ya, but I meant more in the way that they physically weren’t around much that would have worked for us this week. I may see about this weekend or week though! Plus it was good I didn’t because my chicken breast looked reaaaalllll sketchy, so much so that Darling Husband and I ate lunchmeat sandwiches and cereal for dinner. In my defense, the chicken breast itself looked bad, not my cooking, haha.
Post # 19
kmbumbee190618 : Good luck with everything, I think you have the right mindset here. Your Mother-In-Law has to learn to evolve with the times.
Post # 20
Honestly, I don’t think this is for you to handle, it’s your husband’s job. You haven’t done anything wrong but your mother-in-law is icing you out. It’s on your husband to tell his mother that YOU specifically don’t have anything to do with it but that HE is equally on board that you have chores and things to do which is why you guys are leaving early. Your dynamic has changed and she doesn’t think her son has anything to do with it, so she is blaming you. He needs to be the one to set the record straight on that, and also to tell his mother than you notice something is wrong and are hurt by her reaction. After that conversation, based on what you have said about his mother, I would be very surprised if you weren’t welcomed back warmly and with things much better.
Post # 21
kmbumbee190618 : I would avoid DWIL. I understand their approach may be good for the worst of the worst toxic in-laws, but in most cases I think they severely overreact and are incredibly aggressive.
Honestly, since you have always been close to her, I’d just pop in and ask if everything is okay. What would you do if your Darling Husband, friend, coworker was acting this way?
Worst case scenario is she is withdrawing her love because she isn’t getting her way – if that is the case then she is toxic and just done her best at hiding it because you were doing as she expected. Speaking to her won’t change that
But that’s unlikely it’s more likely she just isn’t a fan of the change, or she could think she’s done something to annoy you guys which is why you are coming over less.
I don’t see the harm in trying to speak to her about it first. I’m usually all for partners speaking to their own FOO, but in this case I think what you’ve picked up on is so subtle, it would come off wrong to have your Darling Husband try to explain it.
Post # 22
Many people are making this out to be something it’s not. Two years ago I could have written this word. For. Word. I mean truly. Down to the my family isn’t that close, so DHs close family was a breath of fresh air, after a few years you want some space to establish your own lives etc. to the T I could have written this.
My advice, stick to it, and it will pass. I never had a heart to heart (I LOVE my MIL) or anything, we just kept doing what we do and they adjusted to life. She knows what time D.H. drives home from work and calls him during that time instead of for 45 minutes while I’m sitting next to him waiting to eat dinner. They ask what our schedule is instead of saying “the family is doing X on Sunday”. They adjusted but it really took a year and a half or so.
Its so not the “stoke her baby” garbage, it’s just them establishing a new normal and it will settle down. We do look for opportunities to include his family on little things so they feel like we try beyond the norm occasionally and they have settled in well. I play tennis with his mom once a week, we go to hockey games with them intermittently, we won’t mess up the Christmas morning tradition until we have our own kids. We definitely compromise, but we did hold to boundaries about phone calls and Sunday night plans and it has paid off.
Post # 23
I find the writers on DWIL wise, supportive, humane, and very experienced. I appreciate their ability to recognize patterns of behavior and to tell the truth. Especially to tell the truth. They will hang in there loyally for months and even years with posters who are trying to improve their situations. Excellent resource for those in trouble. Or simply with questions.
Post # 24
Your dynamic has changed and she doesn’t think her son has anything to do with it, so she is blaming you.
Okay, bam. Nail on the head here pretty much. Not that anything is ever, ever said outright to me I’m not stupid and know 100% that when we go to leave or mention we have other plans Mother-In-Law probably thinks its because of me and I don’t like doing anything with them – which is beyond untrue. Darling Husband does handle most of the talking or initiating though with his family, especially when it comes to saying we are leaving or we can’t do anything. Ultimately, I know I probably judge the scenario and the reactions probably a little TOO hard sometimes and way overthink them, but this time I just feel like some sort of dynamic has changed. Darling Husband did say he would say something to his mom because he understands why it is bothering me, but I told him not to worry about it because I’d rather it just blow over.
I appreciate your response, and you had so many good points!! Especially how I should just pop over and touch base with her casually, make sure everything is okay. You’re exactly right because I’d probably do the same with a friend or Darling Husband. Mother-In-Law is definitely not a toxic person in any way, shape or form. I do know that what I’m noticing is so subtle which is why I felt like having Darling Husband say something would be too much and almost cause more awkwardness. Now that you mention it, I think she could feel like she is overstepping some which is why she is withdrawing. I mean, she honestly did nothing wrong with inviting us over for dinners or whatnot but I guess she took us not staying as long anymore or sometimes having other stuff to do in a way that going over there was annoying or a hassle for us. Super helpful, thank you!
Wow, its nice how closely you can relate. I think I’ve mostly decided on not having a heart to heart with Mother-In-Law, but I do like the suggestion one PP had of maybe cooking dinner and seeing if they wanted to come over and have some 1:1 time just with Darling Husband and I. I will say Mother-In-Law is still like on the fence about ASKING us about plans, she did get pretty bad for a while about assuming we would just go over there every time she invited us. She is the type that will text Darling Husband or both of us and say “Hey, we are grilling at 3pm, you guys are more than welcome to come over!” or “We’re going to do XYZ tonight, you guys are more than welcome to join us.” While those aren’t technically questions, it is nice she gives us an opportunity to decline or say no or compromise. I really, really appreciate you being able to come at this from a very similar viewpoint, its helped tremendously.
Its reassuring that most of what I was thinking is being reiterated by bees – that this just is a big adjustment period for both parties.
Post # 25
I haven’t read any of the responses so sorry if there is anything else here that would render this meaningless or wrong, but I think she is struggling with pulling back and not handling it well. It’s not your fault, and she is being a bit silly about it, but it’s probably worth while to try to smooth things out with her.
I’d ask her to get together just the two of you and be straight up about it. “I’ve noticed things have been a bit weird between us lately and it really sucks. I know you feel like we have been pulling away but I really need you to understand that it’s not because we care any less or don’t enjoy spending time with you guys, it really is just a matter of trying to balance our time. We’ve got jobs and a home to keep and other relationships to maintain, so spending multiple full evenings a week at your place just isn’t feasible. I really want things to go back to normal between us because our relationship means a lot to me.”
Post # 26
kmbumbee190618 : I understand you would rather have this ‘blow over’ but I don’t think it’s a good idea. This is something your husband should sit his mother down and talk to her about. I understand you aren’t confrontational but there is a big difference between not starting confrontation and being a doormat. Right now you are saying, “I don’t like something that is going on, I wonder about it and it hurts me…but let’s just let that continue.” Why? Because of some momentary discomfort? The discomfort is caused by your mother-in-law, probably because instead of TALKING to you, she’s just being upset and ‘letting it blow over’. Someone needs to step up and be an adult here, so let your husband do it.
Post # 27
strawberrysakura : the mil might not even realize she’s making OP feel that way and could just be battling her own mixed emotions. Time passed will help, and the dinner invite idea sounds great. Hashing it out with her could lead to an extremely uncomfortable situation that will affect the dynamic for longer, unnecessarily.
Post # 28
lifeisbeeutiful : In my opinion, way too many concerns become problems which become big major deals because people are too afraid to open their mouths and discuss a problem. Nothing ever gets solved by shutting up. Most things are solved by having a conversation about it. A conversation is not a fight. A conversation is something like, “Hey mom, I’ve noticed that you are acting a bit coldy to OP, what’s going on?” and “Well you know, this is something that we have both decided, because as much as we love spending time here we have our own household to run and errands to do. It seems like you think that OP is to blame which isn’t true – this is a joint decision. She has noticed that you are behaving differently towards her and is worried because your relationship means a lot to her.” And if the mother-in-law feels bad, then good because she caused this problem! And if she feels uncomfortable and takes steps to apologize, then good, because she ought to!
This could be over with by Sat, but if nothing is said it is guaranteed to last weeks, months, maybe years. I fail to see how that’s a better idea.
Post # 29
Westwood : “You took her baaaaaaby away”
I laughed out loud. Ugh, perfect.
Post # 30
I have to agree with the previous posters who have said that she is blaming you for the changes…as I’ve seen this whole scenario play out, but with my mother as the Mother-In-Law.
Any change that my brother has made since he got married, that my mother doesn’t like, she automatically blames my SIL. Drives me mad, and I’ve had a couple of arguments with her over it. As I point out to her, if she really thinks it is my SIL making all the decisions in the marriage, she’s as good as saying that she raised my brother to be weak and spineless – and believe me, my brother is anything but!
I wouldn’t say anything to your Mother-In-Law, I think enough has been said already. Don’t pander to her, she’ll get used to the new world order soon enough.