Post # 1
Our relationship is fine, but now that we’re close to the formal engagement something has changed… my boyfriend and his ex are friends, as I was friends with my own ex until he moved out of state. They generally see one another once every three to six months and apparently she is engaged. They had lunch (he ran it by me first) together so they could catch up, and I found myself dealing with a brand new emotion: horrible insecurity. I’m not an insecure gal at all, but the entire time my stomach was in knots. I still feel uncomfortable, even though on a very logical level I know she is absolutely not a threat.
Has anyone else had a quick shift in feelings like this?
Post # 3
I’m a psych minor and will give this a shot…we just covered Buss’s personality theory in lecture last week, which deals a little with jealousy. Basically, according to evolutionary theory, women tend to be more bothered by emotional infidelity than sexual (physical) infidelity. Even though you know she’s not an immediate threat (by which I assume you mean actual physical cheating), according to this theory, you’re bothered because it’s the emotional closeness between them that’s making you feel insecure.
It’s possible that your boyfriend’s relationship with his ex is bothering you more than usual because your relationship is in a transitional state–to the formal engagement, etc. If you’re feeling uncomfortable, you need to express that to him; not by making him feel bad or guilty about what you said was okay to do, but just to let him know that your feelings on the matter have changed. If he respects you and your relationship, he will consider that and act accordingly.
Post # 4
I agree its probably just because you guys are getting more serious but still in the transitional state.
Post # 5
I did, and he respects that. He went as far to say if I wanted him to, he’d stop talking to her… or suggested I meet her… in fact, they apparently had a conversation about both her future husband, her, my boyfriend, and me meeting.
I… don’t think so.
Hopefully it is a result of this transitory period and goes away. Thank you for the input!
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2010 - Ocean View Villas/Jasmine Seafood Restaurant
Are you looking for an explanation for your new feeling or a way to stop feeling the discomfort you’re feeling. I think that’s two different questions. Generally, our feelings are unstable. They change constantly for a lot of different reasons. It may also be a change in your sense of “fairness” or some type of equity. The fact that you brought up that the Ex is engaged, you are not. And that you and your boyfriend both use to keep in touch with your Exes, but now you can’t because that person moved. I think that you may have already pinpointed your own situation based on these events taht you brought up. These are things that use to be equal that are no longer. So maybe the discomfort comes like that. You should definitely discuss with your boyfriend and keep the lines of communication open if you haven’t already.
Post # 7
I agree with the PPs. It could also be that you have been waiting for such a long time and now since you are so close, you are even more afraid to lose your relationship than before. It feels more real now.
Post # 9
I unfortunatley have a degree in psychology- I think Mrs. Hot Wings has some great points. I’m curious why you both keep in touch with exes? I know some people do this, but it’s bothering you after your ex leaves (as well as other ex is engaged) so it perks my interest.
I feel like such an ass when I answer threads that are months old and don’t realize it.