- 4 years ago
There will be MANY groans as people read this post, so I want to say a couple of things before I delve into the ‘nitty-gritty’ of my story with my SO.
Yes, I realize I am only 21, and he is only 22. However, I’ve wanted to be married since before I could decide what my favourite colour was.
Yes, I realize that being engaged, and being married will not change our relationship for the better or for the worse, unless we let it.
Yes, OF COURSE, I realize that I have not been with my SO NEARLY as long as many of you have, and therefore have no “right” to complain.
Well, sister’s, I’m complaining anyway. I met my SO 3 or so years ago, and today is our 3 year anniversary. There are a lot of factors contributing to my “rush” to get engaged and married, and I feel that because I have been able to acknowledge, and mainly discredit them, I am a sane individual. But haven’t you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and known you were crazy, and still wanted what you did anyway?
We met in September of 2010, started dating Nov 2010. Things were bliss, he said he loved me 3 months later, nothing felt rushed, and we were in love, and everything was honkey dorey. We met in University Residence, so although we each had our own rooms, we basically lived together, and the following September, we each had our own room until Christmas, at which point we broke the rules of the residences, and I “harbored” him in my personal suite (I worked in Res, and had a great room). I know what you’re thinking; we moved in together way too soon! In a lot of ways, it has added stresses to our relationship that at the time, I was not ready for, but I think we’re stronger for it, and have, if nothing else, just had more time to get a hang of things.
The problem with all of this is; I’ve been dating my SO for 3 years, to the day, and I have also basically been lviing with him since day 01. This isn’t a problem for me, but it really REALLY does feel weird that we’re “only dating” yet our relationship is so serious. After moving out of Residence we signed a 1 yr lease, and renewed it for another year, so like I said, we’ve been living together for 3 years. We even bought 2 adorable domestic short-haired boys this September (they were 2-yr old shelter kitties) so I’d say that we’re well committed to each other.
I know for a fact that I will be waiting for a LONG time before I get proposed to. I have no shadow of a doubt that I will likely be waiting at least another 2-3 years, and that frustrates me for a number of reasons;
1. (Selfishly, and ridiculously) My Best Friend who swore she never wanted to date/get married, etc. is getting married in Janary 2014, she got engaged in Aug 2011, which was basically the beginning of my wedding fever. It started with jealousy, I can admit that, and part of it still is jealousy, but I do truly want to be married.
2. I may only be 21, but I graduated high school in 2009, and I’m graduating from University in April 2014, and I always assumed I’d be engaged by then (even before I met my SO).
3. I have wanted children for as long as I can remember, I refuse to plan to have children before getting married, and I refuse to rush through an engagement and wedding to be able to have children before age 30, as it is not how I want to do things (this is not a judgement on anyone who has children before marriage, it is just a personal choice).
4. I already feel like I am married to him, and I feel I am owed an actual marriage for the fact that he has said he wants marriage and children since day 01 with me, and that he sees us together, and I’m his one and only, etc. On the flip-side I also understand that nothing will necessarily “change” just because we get engaged/married, and I am not unhapy in my relationship, I just want to get married.
5. My wedding fever of the Winter of last year was a crazy time in my life, my SO and I worked through it, and other than the odd gentle conversation about marriage (prompted by my Best Friend who is engaged and knows I want to be asking my SO when he plans on popping the question) and my basically just telling him afterwards, when we get home that I never asked her to say anything like that, and telling him that I will ask her to stop if he wants me to, to which he says “no” because he knows as well as I do that she’s just trying to grind our gears because she WANTS us to be married, because she likes him as much as I do. That all being said, my SO and I worked through it together, and I have basically starved myself of mentioning it because I don’t want to bludgeon him with it, I want us to be married/engaged because both of us want it.
You might be wondering what his side of things are, he says the usual things, which I see merit in, and begrudgingly accept, but also know that every reason/excuse is solveable, and therefore doesn’t really count.
1. He says we’re still young. True, I can’t argue with that, except that I know how I feel, and I know how he’s told me he feels, and I don’t see how that doesn’t become an engagement.
2. We’ve ONLY been together for 3 years. Well, considering we’ve basically spent EVERY MOMENT of those three years together, we both participate in the other’s family, we enjoy each other’s friends, but also keep our own, etc. I don’t see how we need more time. I get that he might have cold feet, marriage is a scary committment. But I’m the child of divorce, not him. His parents are high-school-sweethearts. It’s really cute actually, they’re such a sweet couple.
3. He wants to be financially sound so that he can get me the ring of my dreams, and he’d also like a proper foundation for our marriage, aka a house. I cannot argue with this point except to say that I don’t need nor want a $10k ring, and that I would love him no matter what ring came with the proposal. I would prefer to have a ring though, because I am sentimental, but I honestly believe if he asked me today, without a ring, without the money to buy one in the near future, I would still say yes.
4. Our future’s are precarious, and he doesn’t want to drag me away from the life that I want. This I mostly see as his insecurity at not being up to expectation. I sometimes think he has a phobia about divorce worse than mine because he knows that if we get married, I have no intention of ever getting divorced, even if the marraige is a wreck, I believe that it’s something you have to choose to work through, my grandparents for instance, were in love in their youths, fell out of love around their 25th anniversary (or so I hear) and are now in a mostly loving, respectful marriage of over 60 years. Marriages are hard work. Children complicate things. Marriages don’t have to be perfect to be awesome. My parents however, gave marriage a 7 year go and then called it quits for several good reasons, for them. I don’t personally agree with it, or rather, I get why they did it, but don’t feel I would make the same decision in that position. I wouldn’t really know, I guess, until I’ve been married for 7 years 😛
5. Basically a re-hash of point #4; he wants to move far away from our families (not permanently) to begin his career, and to get experience, so he can come back to our area and get a kick-ass job. This is something I want too. He wants to do research, and work for the ministry of natural resources, but his main focus is wolves and bears, so he wants to live in the Yukon for a bit. I want to be a teacher. There’s no way I’m going to get a job fresh out of teachers college in Southern Ontario, so I too, need to move away. We’ve been planning (loosely, but for over a year) to make both these trips at the same time, to the same place, and living in the same dwelling).
That committment he’s ok with, but marriage, he’s not sure.
Anyway, the point of the post is basically to vent. I get that I’m not getting married anytime soon and the rational part of my brain is TOTALLY ok with that. The emotional part of me is like… going mental, but I can deal with it. I often come on wedding bee to read the posts of others to calm myself down when I am considering getting upset with my SO, and it always works, so I am basicaly posting this so that anyone who needs what I need, to vent and calm themselves so they don’t pressure their SO, can read this gigantic novel-post and feel a little better. Hopefully I don’t sound like a raging lunatic.