Super complicated engagement ring situation

posted 11 months ago in Rings
Post # 2
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

View original reply
@blues507:  you should DEFINITELY look into getting a different ring that you love. It sounds like your fiancé didn’t really listen to your preferences at all. I would sit him down and explain that you don’t love the ring and you want something that will be on your hand forever to be something you love. I definitely wouldn’t settle on a ring you don’t love. That’s super frustrating he didn’t listen to your preferences/get you want you wanted 

Post # 3
Member
2080 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry bee. Your fiance really screwed up here. And it rubs me the wrong way that he was so excited about cheaping out on your ring rather than making sure you were really pleased with the final product. 

That said, I do not recommend spending a pretty penny on getting a wedding band custom made to accommodate a ring you don’t even like. That sounds like a total waste of money. Custom rings are not returnable and you already know you’re stuck with the ring you have so I would stop throwing away money on things you don’t like.

If I were you I would either

a) get a wedding band you love and wear it on the right hand until you can upgrade your e ring

b) wait to get a wedding band until you can afford the engagement ring you really want. Maybe for your one year anniversary you could get a full new set.

You could use the e ring you have now for the ceremony or not wear the e ring and use the wedding band you love on your wedding day instead.

Please don’t throw good money after bad to try to fix this temporarily. Chances are you will just end up getting an entire new set later on anyway since the ring you have isn’t going to hold up to the test of time

I’m not sentimental about rings and probably won’t get a wedding band so i’ll be probably just use my e ring for the ceremony so take my advice as you will.

But I would expect your fiance to be fully supportive of whatever decision you make since he screwed this up

Post # 4
Member
3951 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Maybe this is way off-base, but what if you and he (together) bought the ring you wanted and used it in the wedding ceremony? It’s a little unconventional, but using it for the wedding ring would make it more special.

If you decide you want a band too, you can add that whenever – you can have it ready to put on right after the ceremony or you can wait until it’s financially feasible.

Post # 8
Member
7806 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

So the one thing I would NOT recommend you do is custom make a band for an e-ring you dont even like. Complete waste of money. 

But, a few options. 

Buy a relatively plain wedding band that you can for the ceremony. Gold/plat/diamond/whatever simple, classic, that can be worn alone or with your future e-ring. No matter how crazy your e-ring is, a plain gold band will still go with it. 

Buy a brand new e-ring. Use this in your ceremony. Skip a fancy wedding band for now if you cant afford both. 

Talk to the etsy person and see if she will take the ring back and credit you for something else. Does she work in lab diamonds? Maybe she can get you a lab diamond ring and credit you back for the morganite and moissanite. 

But I think the most difficult part will be dealing with your Fiance. It’s not OK for him to completely disregard your offers of help, money and support and then throw his hands up and say he was confused. Thats fucking bullshit. I think you need to be a bit firm with him here, but attack it from a team angle. “I specifically asked NOT to have these stones. It’s fine that you got confused, but you didnt want my help, and now we have a ring that is the opposite of what we agreed on. Let’s work together and get something that WILL last (assuming you’ve explained the softness of morganite and that moissanites are sims). I am willing and WANTING to pitch in to get exactly what we agreed on, so stop with this ego stuff. We are a team, lets do this together” 

Post # 9
Member
1574 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

If you told the man you didn’t want morganite and moissanite and he gave you a morganite and moissanite ring, you were within your rights to hand him back the ring.  It’s a crappy precedent to set for your marriage that you make a completely reasonable request, he effs it up and then you’re stuck trying to fix it.

It really isn’t too much to ask that if a man is buying you an engagement ring, he actually reads the description for it, confirms the details with the vendor, and makes sure he can return it if you don’t like it… ESPECIALLY if he doesn’t have the funds to correct a misstep.

The complication here is that you’re managing the emotional work of trying to make something ‘work’ when you shouldn’t have to.  

Personally, I’d tell him it still bothers me that he picked a ring without considering what you’d like and that you want him to do better with a wedding ring.  Stop wearing the ring you don’t like everyday.  Give him a chance to get it right, so that you’re not resentful about this for years. Make him fix it so that he knows that you’re not going to just accept him half-assing things that are important to you.  That doesn’t change unless you nip it in the bud. 

He clearly didn’t think this was something he needed to get “right”, so he didn’t.  Don’t be the “go along to get along” partner.

Post # 10
Member
512 posts
Busy bee

Wow he really didn’t take what you wanted into consideration at all. Does he understand that? 

As to what to do, personally I would buy the wedding ring of your dreams and use just that in the ceremony as this current ring has negative association now. Then I would really save for a few years and pick the engagement ring you want and have him give it to you for one of your anniversaries to make it special.

 

Sorry you’re dealing with this. 

Post # 11
Member
452 posts
Helper bee

Oh god that sucks. I feel so badly for you! If the ring isn’t returnable then you could always sell it yourself and at least recover some money and put it towards your dream ring. I definitely wouldn’t custom make a band for it, just sell it and start over. 

Post # 12
Member
2877 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
@blues507:  So, you’re paying for his degree and he was so excited to cheap out on your ring, getting one in a style you didn’t want with stones you explicitly said you didn’t want? The hypocrisy is strong here. Tbh, I don’t think it was a mistake that he got morganite and moissanite at all. He found something with whitish stones for a low price and thought he could get away with it. You should insist that he get a part time job to be able to pay to fix his mistake. He’s not showing he values you, and you deserve better. 

Post # 13
Member
1058 posts
Bumble bee

To put it kindly, your fiance took a run at jewelry selection and pretty much fell on his face, lol. It’s perfectly understandable—he isn’t a jeweler (I’m assuming) and this is the first time he’s bought an engagement ring (again, I’m assuming). Not everyone is familiar with the Moh’s scale or with gemology or metallurgy, or even aware that you need to do some research into these things before making such a serious purchase. If he had done his homework and worked with a reputable jeweler, he could have easily found a ring in your original price range (I’ve even seen quality vintage diamond/sapphire rings for sale on etsy and ebay for under $800). He could have even done what my partner and I did and look for a ring WITH you (I’m a jewelry nerd and my partner is not, so he concluded he would be “crazy not to take advantage of that”). Unfortunately, he didn’t, and you’re stuck with the result. I don’t mean to chastise him by saying this, mistakes happen and you move forward from them. Chalk it up to experience. Still, this fuck up is entirely on him and I’d argue he should pay to correct it, whenever that’s financially possible. 

I would agree that you DEFINITELY shouldn’t design a custom ring to go with another ring you don’t like and that may not stand the test of time. If I were you, I’d probably design a wedding ring that you love that works entirely on its own and after the wedding, keep your e-ring in its box (plenty of women do this, even ones who love their original e-rings). Then, down the road at a significant anniversary I’d design another ring that fits with the wedding band. There’s no reason why you have to have everything all at once if it’s not practical.

 

Post # 14
Member
2080 posts
Buzzing bee

Your update concerns me.

This is just me but I would never fund someone else’s education that I wasn’t yet married to, especially if he’s bragging about how cheap he got your ring.

I mean…really? You make this gigantic financial sacrifice for him and this is the effort he puts into your ring? He couldn’t even read the information in front of him or at the very least, confirm he was getting exactly what you wanted? 

If he thinks that little of something that you have explicitly stated multiple times was important to you then this is not a good sign.

He couldn’t have saved up at all for something that’s important to you when you’re bankrolling his education?

 

Post # 15
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I wouldn’t bother getting a wedding band that matches a ring you already aren’t in love with. I have a few friends who choose to keep their engagement ring safe and put away and only worn on special occasions and instead chose a larger/wider width wedding band of their liking as their day to day ring and the one they wore at their wedding.

This way your ring would be special to you as it would be the ring you were “given” (placed on your finger by your new husband) on your wedding day. 🙂

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors