Super complicated engagement ring situation

posted 12 months ago in Rings
Post # 46
703 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Hi OP, you know your Fiance best, and I’m sure he’s just bad at picking jewelry, not bad person as someone insist. Just like my DH, a very attentive listener, but still look me like an alien when talking about jewelry lol.

I would buy a wedding ring that you love and wear it single. You can wear the ering as RHR, and when budget permits, find another ering you love.

For me, taste change over the years. What I loved when engaged is simply not my fave ring anymore lol. But I loved loved loved my wedding band and it would never changed. It’s also more sentimental for me than the ering. Who knows you would love this ring later in life =))

Post # 47
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Sounds like he’s not very detail-oriented and lacks an interest in jewelry, but from what you say is not a bad guy overall. 🙂 If that’s the case, don’t sweat the small stuff, you may have to be resigned to the fact that only you can pick your own perfect ring.

Get a nice band to get married with, put the e-ring away for occasional wear (due to the softness of morganite – which is a beautiful stone!), and save up properly to treat yourself if you still feel like having a pretty ring in the future. It can still be special as the ring he proposed with, and one day you may look back and laugh at the whole fiasco.

Just remember that the marriage, your relationship is a whole lot more important than the engagement, wedding, and those superficial rites of passage. You’re getting married to him! You guys love each other enough to commit for life! Congrats! 😀 That’s already super huge!

By the way your ring sounds beautiful even if it’s not what you wanted – would love to see pics of it anyway!

Post # 48
569 posts
Busy bee

I’d get a standalone wedding band that I loved and wear that until I could afford my dream engagement ring. I’d wear the engagement ring as a RHR on occasion.  If this is the worst thing you weather together, I’d say you’re pretty lucky.

Post # 49
1918 posts
Buzzing bee

You’ve got a few options – either wear this ring as your e-ring until you marry and then transfer it to a right-hand ring, or look for a vintage ring that you really love and can afford to buy now (some of them are crazy cheap) or trade your current e-ring in as part-ex for a new ring that you love.

Whatever you choose, please don’t pick your wedding ring to suit an e-ring that you don’t love.  I love my e-ring, but I don’t wear it all the time now I’m married, and I can guarantee you will wear yours a lot less if you don’t like it – so it’s pointless to get a wedding ring to match it.  Much better to pick the perfect wedding ring and then you can look to get a replacement e-ring to match it.

By The Way, I would have a serious talk with your OH about listening to and respecting your views.  While he may have got confused by the stone types in the menu, he didn’t get ‘confused’ about picking the type of setting – he chose to get what he liked in preference to what you liked.  And even though he knows you aren’t keen on it, he still thinks he did a good job because he likes the ring.  This does concern me a little, so I think you need to have a conversation about this.  Yes, it’s great that he buys you lots of gifts, but if that’s what he wants to do…if you are going to have a healthy marriage, you each need to learn to concentrate on what the other person wants, not just on what you want, and right now, it doesn’t sound like he’s very good at doing that.

Post # 50
227 posts
Helper bee

OP, something tells me it’s not the first time you’ve had to sacrifice and end up settling for something or a situation you didn’t want while he is perfectly happy for putting you in the mess and gaslighting you into thinking this is OK. You waited all these years, basically gave him all your 20s, you proposed adding your own money, you reduced your expectations based on his budget, you gave him a list of the stone and style you wanted and he STILL went for all your dealbreakers at half the budget! My own (non-diamond) ring is within his original ballpark so I’m def not judging on the size of his budget. This is a microcosm of the life you are choosing OP. From the outside in, he totally takes you for granted. It might get worse, this disregard for your feeling,  after marriage. He might be a good guy but is he good FOR YOU? Good luck.

Post # 51
3507 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I would just get a simple band to wear with you engagement ring for now. Then you can save up the money to get what you want. It’s a waste of money to pay for a marching band for a engagement ring that you don’t like. 

Post # 52
8426 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’d buy the band of my dreams and wear that for the wedding and afterwards. Use the current ring as a right hand ring and replace it when I could.

I think the whole “men are clueless about jewelry” is bullshit personally. I mean this is supposed to be a once in a lifetime event, and they’re just like “meh too complicated”? I just can’t imagine a woman buying expensive tickets to a random game (for example) instead of the team their husband actually likes, and then expecting him to fawn over them.

Post # 53
1482 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2005 - A Castle

I never understand having a conversation about a ring and then blatantly disregarding the points of the conversation. Morganite and sapphire are not even remotely similar words, so I’d seriously question how that mixup happened. If you were after a specific style, he should have put all the traditional bs aside and let you choose what you wanted. I mean, it’s not really traditional to pay for your bf’s education either, but that seems to be okay for him. 

Echoing others, do not make a custom band for a ring you don’t like or intend to wear all the time. Get what you want now because it becomes harder and harder to justify spending that much money on yourself as your responsibilities grow. 

Post # 54
3089 posts
Sugar bee

Ok, long shot but… if the way the ring was advertised was really as confusing as you say, is there any chance that there’s a possibility of disputing the charge?  Like, does the reciept suggest it’s actually sapphire instead of morganite, or has diamonds instead of moissanite?

I also don’t like the fact that he disregarded your desire for a halo for a design that he found more visually appealing.  

Post # 55
58 posts
Worker bee

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@knotyet:  THIS!! You hit the nail on the head. 

Post # 56
58 posts
Worker bee

View original reply
@blues507:  you’re helping to pay for his education, yet he blatantly gave zero f*cks about getting the ring you specifically asked for? The ring that you already had compromised on to make sure it was in a more affordable ballpark? AND he was ballsy enough to brag about the cheap price and “not having to save more”? Nah. Nope. No thanks. Maybe I don’t have enough info….but this problem is deeper than just getting the wrong ring. He seems to be extremely comfortable with YOU making all of the sacrifices in order for HIM to be happy. Be careful with this one. I’d take a step back and look at the relationship as a whole…maybe talk to your family and trusted friends….and be sure that this guy is REALLY the one who deserves you. 

Post # 57
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

If it were me, I would buy a wedding ring you love that the two of you pick out together, wear the engagement ring as a right hand ring on occasion, and look forward to an engagement ring you design to celebrate an anniversary whenever the money becomes available. 

Post # 58
1812 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

You’re paying for his education, and he jumps on a ring he “doesn’t even have to save up for” AND he gets everything wrong.

This relationship sounds a bit one sided. Him getting you little gifts here and there doesn’t negate the fact that he completely blew the one gift that matters. This engagement ring was more to placate his ego on a budget than to make you happy.

You seem very happy in your relationship, which is great, but you’re coddling him to an extent that makes me wonder if you’re trying to justify a sunk cost.

Post # 59
5700 posts
Bee Keeper

And this is how red flags get ignored. Women make excuses for sub-par behavior. “The ad for the ring was confusing”, “He gets me presents all the time” – does he crow about how cheap they are too?

OP, ignore all this at your own risk. But someone who totally ignores your very reasonable requests and celebrates their cheapness (as you pay for their education) is a not someone I would recommend marrying. At the very least he should get you another ring, but obviously he can’t be bothered and prefers to regale people with his story of how perfectly he chose your ring. 

Post # 60
111 posts
Blushing bee

If it were me I would sell it on facebook marketplace or take it to a pawn shop and try to get something back for it’s value.  Have your fiance put $100 or $50 or whatever he can afford in a separate account for however long until he can afford something in the 800-1200 range that you want!!  Meanwhile I would buy a simple plain band for the wedding.  

Are you in the US?  Heck it may be a long shot but if we get another stimulus check have him take that money and buy your ring.  You deserve to have a ring you like especially if you’re paying for his education.  A relationship is a two way street and it sounds like he is the taker in your relationship.

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