Post # 1
I will try and make this short as possible. I have been with my fiance for about 3 years now. We met after I tragically lost my boyfriend. My fiance came into my life and has been my rock. He has supported me through every bad day. He is just amazing. I have never got a grocery out of the car since the day we met and thats not even close to the way he treats me, adores me, makes me feel beautiful and of course spoils me. My dream man…. Anyway We got engaged in November and things have been fun wedding planning and looking at many different ideas. We have our venue and my dress.
The past couple days things have seemed a little weird. He is from Brazil and we have started the process for his green card which has put a LOT of stress on our relationship. He doesnt want to go through the process because he doesnt want me to think that is why he is marrying me. so I am the one making him do this, for my own sanity against his will and for my comfort. Since I could tell there was tension and knew something was wrong, Yesterday, when I came home I sat down on the couch and asked him if he wanted to be with me, he paused (which felt like an hour) and his answer was “of course” (the hesitation scared me.) I came to bed early because I just knew something wasnt right. He came in our room and asked if we could talk. He proceeded to tell me that he loves me and wants the best for me but is not IN LOVE with me and is not sure if that is how love goes, Are you always IN LOVE with the person you marry? My answer was Yes. But I have never been married so I dont know how it all goes down in the future. He is scared at some point he may have to go back to Brasil (i say hell yeah lets go!) but he said he wants me happy and its a long expensive way away to come back and forth and does not was to feel responsible for my unhappiness and wants nothing else in the world but to see me happy.
I made the decision at 414 this morning when I woke up crying that its best that I end this relationship. The pain I am feeling is horrible. He got up and was making circles and asked me if I wanted him to stay with me (he goes to the gym every morning) and of course I am angry now and I tell him to Get out (not in those words, there were a few choice words) His calm self tells me, please dont be angry with me, I love u and respect u and just want whats best for u and cant live in a lie, I cant pretend.
So here I am, lying in bed typing this. I just received a call and he asked if we could talk when he gets home (I planned a shopping day with a girlfriend, yay) So NO i wont be home.
SO BEES, WHAT DO I DO? I LOVE THIS MAN WITH EVERY OUNCE THAT I HAVE, I AM STILL “IN LOVE” i WOULD DO ANYTHING,! HE SAID HE ISNT IN LOVE WITH ME BUT NOW WANTS TO TALK?? I WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS IN LOVE ME, I WANT HIM TO BE THE ONE WHO IS IN LOVE ME ACTUALLY. SHOULD I LET HIM TALK OR SAY, GO AWAY FOREVER? PLEASE HELP ME!!
Post # 3
Sorry you are going through this, sounds tough 🙁
He said he is not IN LOVE with you, it’s unfair on you or him to stay together. You cant force love like that, I think he did the best thing for the both of you, by breaking it off. What I dont understand is WHY ASK YOU TO BE HIS WIFE, if he is not IN LOVE with you? What has happened from that moment until now (7 months) for him to no longer BE IN LOVE? Do you think he has cold feet? Going through an emotional crises? Did you discuss the break up and why he feels he is no longer inlove with you? Perhaps you should meet and talk, to at least get some closure and clarifiation.
Post # 4
i have been in a similar situation, ild say talk to him, it can’t hurt, try not to get too emotionally out of control during the convo.. you cant change his feelings but see what he has to say,
i would think it is probably unwise to marry someone who is not in love with you but loves you as he may not ever be compleatly furfilled and this may effect the relationship,
maybe suggest couples cancelling and work through how you both really feel about each other and why,
get a professional oppinion and see if theres anything to selvage
Post # 5
Thats such a tough situation. I know there is always the whole love vs in-love situation but I think its more compicated then the answer always being “end the relationship” although that may be the right answer for you. I think it is normal for relationships to fizzle out of the “butterflies in my stomach” phase and develop into something more genuine and natural.. I think a lot of people don’t know what to do when that phase comes upon them because they thought that amazing new feeling would never go away so that gives them doubts. I don’t think couples can’t get back to that in love feeling when they have fallen out of love if they are committed and willing to work on things, a good open discussion can be good as well as counseling if you decide to work on things. But honestly, if my husband had told me something like that before we got married I would be heartbroken too. Take some time to clear your head and then hear him out. Talking could either make you feel better about your relationship or atlease give you some sort of closure so you can move on. Hang in there~
Post # 6
All of your comments are great! thank you. I know it was psycho of me but yesterday I took a picture of my ring and text it to him and said “just a reminder” Because like you said, what happened from November until now? I tried to talk to him about ‘IN LOVE” AND “LOVE”, and told him its not all butterflies and roses after the first couple years but there needs to be love. I am just beside myself and I appreciate all your comments. I will talk about counseling but I know him and know exactly what his answer will be, NO. ARGGGG. I hope everything comes together so I will let him come home tonight and tell me what he has to say. He did say that when he found out my dress was purcahsed it scared him. So I asked, is it the wedding, or your feelings because the wedding is an easy fix, your feelings arent.
Post # 7
You’re being really smart about this, I hope it works out for the best! Let us know what happens.
Post # 8
Talk to him….sit down together and calmly talk it through.
Post # 9
He can talk to you, but I don’t know what good it will do. He already told you how he feels, that he is not in love with you. You can’t really push someone to have those feelings for you and it really sounds like he dosn’t want you to go to Brazil with him and it dosn’t sound like he wants to marry you. I think you should move on.